Is disappointment part of every long-term relationship?

[Fran490]

I have been married for under a year. I have a continuous feeling of disappointment about the relationship. When we have looked at houses to buy, I feel sad imagining our future in them. I feel despondent and low when I think about our relationship (I hide it from my husband).

I'm not depressed (because I still enjoy other aspects of life - like seeing my friends).

Since we got married, my husband has been unkind towards my friends and family, which has meant I lost some respect for him and realised he's not who I thought he was. I realised he has the capacity to be mean when it's not deserved. He has also been controlling and bad-tempered towards me at times. At other times, he's affectionate and loving - and he cares about me.

I am not sure whether this feeling of disappointment is only due to problems in the marriage. Is disappointment part of every long-term relationship? Choosing one person means cutting off other possible lives, and perhaps some feeling of disappointment is part of being human? And part of real-life - rather than idealistic - relationships?

Is it normal to feel disappointed like this?

I am 36.

I'd say its your intuition telling you he isn't right for you. I ignored mine for years (been with STBXH for 10yrs now, married 4) about to leave and now the scales have fallen from my eyes. I thought I was depressed, but now I look back with new found clarity from research on emotional abuse, he has been the problem all along

It's very telling your Husband's behaviour has changed since you got married

Please read Lundy Bancrofts book "Why does he do that"

No, it's definitely not normal. I'm not saying people don't have unhappy marriages for various reasons but knowing your DH is intentionally mean to your loved ones is a huge red flag, along with the controlling aspect too. All abusive partners also have the ability to be loving and kind too, that's how they keep their partners.
I'm sorry you're so unhappy and despondent. You deserve to be happy. Please seriously consider if this marriage and man is for you. Whether you've been married for one day, one year or decades, there is absolutely no shame in realising the person you married is not the person they originally represented themselves as and wanting to leave.

No not normal, how long were you together before marrying?
Is there anything possibly going on to have made him change like this like stress at work?

No it's not normal.
I've felt similar in one relationship as it was just awful and I really disliked him.

With my DH, I'm so happy and never feel disappointed with the relationship.

I think maybe this marriage isn't working for you and you need to consider walking away.

Generally woman get tied up in wedding prep (for a long time) and then feel low for a long time afterwards.

Maybe you focused on the wedding more than the marriage? Any plans for children? Or do you want to leave?

It's not working and there's no point committing yourself to long term unhappiness. And don't think that having a baby will solve the problem because it definitely won't! Leave now.

Do you have children?

No, it’s not normal. Get out before you get pregnant.

Leave.
Mean to family and friends is a huge red flag.

If you are with someone for years it’s normal to be disappointed sometimes - nobody can be perfect always and there will be bad decisions, etc.

That said the way your husband is behaving isn’t good and you don’t have to put up with it. Definitely don’t have a baby, that will make it a million times harder to leave if you need to.

Expectation - Reality = Level of disappointment.
Its different for everyone depending on how close your situation is to what you hoped it would be, but clearly your life with your H is not living up to your hopes. For some people the answer is to adjust their expectations in line with reality. Others who have valid reasons for their feelings do better looking for something that better meets their needs. Personally I think your issues are valid.

No its not normal. My dh enhances my life, I look forward to spending time with him, now and hopefully if we live to be old together. We've been together for 17 years so far and it still feels good. If you feel like this now really don't buy a house with him, don't have children with him. Consider leaving, 'controlling and bad tempered' is not a phase. You don't have take that just to get 'affectionate and loving' at other times.

At one year into the marriage I'd be bailing if I was you, run while you still can, before your lives become so enmeshed it seems impossible to leave.

You haven't married a good man: mean, controlling and bad tempered are not good traits in a life-long partner - and they will only escalate from here!!!

Don't be worrying (if you are) what 'other people will think' if your marriage lasts only a year, it would be brave to leave now with your head held high.

We all make mistakes and it sounds like marrying this man is a big mistake but you can rectify it and move on.

Please don't subject yourself to a lifetime of misery - that's what's in store for you if you stay, your life is too precious 💐

This. If he's controlling he might want to push you for a child to make it harder for you to get away from him. And would you want him treating a vulnerable small child the way he treats you?

Perhaps you included your age in your post to suggest this may be your last chance at love or having children. It's not. Get out now and find someone who enhances your life. I've been with my husband for 12 years and I still think he's so wonderful and he does so much to bring joy to our lives. Good men are out there! You deserve one!

No it's not normal - certainly not after a year. I have been married over 30 years and although the honeymoon stage of being totally in love and wanted to spend every minute of the day together' is long gone we have settled into a 'comfortable' routine (aware that makes me sound a total old fogey) and I am sure we both have occasions when we wished things were different I don't think either of us feels 'disappointed' in the other.
I bailed out of my first marriage after 18 months, we were just not right for each other ... it sounds as though you and your DH are not right for each other.

I agree with getting out - I stayed with my ex-h far too long. I knew early on in the relationship/marriage that it wasn't right and ignored it.
It lasted 15yrs in total and he became abusive at the end.

It's only going to get worse so don't prolong it. Staying so long had a big impact on my confidence and personality.

End the relationship. Sounds like he is not for you. That disappointment is your friend! It's telling you to get the hell out.

Not in the way you describe. People aren’t perfect and they let you down sometimes but what you describe is beyond that.

I’m a little bit older than you and have been married for 15 years. Thinking about your question and I didn’t think I’ve ever been disappointed in my husband, or in how our relationship goes.

I did find the first year of marriage slightly hard. I’m not big into weddings but I think there was just a natural “oh, everything is the exact same as it was before” type of feeling. We lived together before getting married so, once the wedding is over, it was back to business as usual. My overall feeling though was one of being happy.

What you’re describing is very different, though. I never felt there was a change in my husband though. He was the same lovely person he always was. I wouldn’t tolerate someone being nasty to my family or friends.

In your case, I’d be asking myself if I want to prolong this.

Apparently the first year of marriage is the hardest.

@Fran490 - have you posted about this before? The meanness to friends and family rings a bell and the poster had married quite quickly. As PP have said - this isn’t normal at all. You should feel excited and happy. Sure, over decades of an LTR, there’ll be bumpy patches where you’re each a bit disappointed in each other but they should be rare and not happening yet in any case.

You feel disappointed because you’re discovering that you don’t like the man you’ve married very much. If he’s showing behaviour he didn’t show before, that’s a real red flag.

Given your age, I’m guessing you have married in anticipation of having children but this doesn’t sound like the right man for that. A poster said on another thread, pressure from the body clock can cause women to settle down with a suboptimal partner and it’s really unfortunate.

Your unhappiness is a sign that this marriage is wrong for you - it really sounds like you need to walk away from this marriage.

How long were you together before marriage? I’m the same age as you, been with DH for 12 years and married for 6. I don’t feel at all like this. Yes it’s annoying when he says he will do something then it gets put off. And he gets really irritated at me for leaving my socks all over the house, but we both see ourselves together at 60 or 70. We talk about our holidays when the kids are grown with excitement. We love being together and getting to know the versions of ourselves we are now compared to when we met.

How long have you been together? It may be that you’ve rushed into marriage before you really knew him. On the other hand if you’ve been together for a long time maybe you know him all too well and were hoping marriage would change things.

I don't think it's normal either. I've been married nearly 7 years (together 11) and not felt as you describe. I have a toddler and there are times when I think if we ever divorced I think I'd probably just stay single forever, I certainly wouldn't marry again. I would say the relationship feels content. I don't feel like I might be missing out on anything. If an amazing man who ticked all the boxes presented himself I'd still choose DH and the life we have over starting again with even the most perfect man (not that I believe in 'the one' or anything).

It sounds like he may not be right for you, OP.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. It's encouraging to hear from those who are in long-term relationships where your partner still brings you lots of joy and happiness after many years.

I am agonising over whether it is better to stay in a disappointing relationship (but which may possibly improve) or to leave and risk never finding anyone else. I am fearing the unknown.

I guess it's impossible to know both those things - whether things will improve, and how life will go when I'm on my own again - because I don't know the future.

We were together for a year before getting engaged, then we were engaged for 6 months.

We haven't yet tried for children. Sometimes I wonder if the joy of having a child will make up for my sadness and disappointment over the relationship.