Is disappointment part of every long-term relationship?

[Fran490]

I have been married for under a year. I have a continuous feeling of disappointment about the relationship. When we have looked at houses to buy, I feel sad imagining our future in them. I feel despondent and low when I think about our relationship (I hide it from my husband).

I'm not depressed (because I still enjoy other aspects of life - like seeing my friends).

Since we got married, my husband has been unkind towards my friends and family, which has meant I lost some respect for him and realised he's not who I thought he was. I realised he has the capacity to be mean when it's not deserved. He has also been controlling and bad-tempered towards me at times. At other times, he's affectionate and loving - and he cares about me.

I am not sure whether this feeling of disappointment is only due to problems in the marriage. Is disappointment part of every long-term relationship? Choosing one person means cutting off other possible lives, and perhaps some feeling of disappointment is part of being human? And part of real-life - rather than idealistic - relationships?

Is it normal to feel disappointed like this?

I am 36.

Don’t bring a child into it!

You rushed into the marriage before getting to know him properly. Now he’s just showing you his true colours.

Leave. But stay single until you work on your self-esteem.

It is not normal or acceptable for your partner to treat your friends and family badly and drive them away!!!

Why are you convinced you have to stay? What was your parent's marriage like, were they also resigned to being unhappy together?

Please don't have a child with this man, he's already shown he's wanting to control you (a form of abuse), what might he do once you have a child with him? A read of this board will give you some perspective on how much worse this could get.

I don’t think it sounds normal, no. I’ve been married for 20 years and we were together for 5 years before that. I have never found my marriage disappointing. A bit boring and mundane occasionally, yes. But certainly not in the first year of marriage! Or even the first 5 years.

No, not to feel that constantly or frequently. I think everyone goes through bad patches from time to time where they can feel a bit jaded and disillusioned about the relationship, but it's something that passes and you forget you even felt like that when things are back to normal.

Sorry, posted too soon! From what you've described what you're feeling is normal. Who wants to be with someone who treats them like that and the people who they care about. It's hurtful and embarrassing at the same time. The attentive, loving times will more than likely become less abs less frequent, as is often the case with men like that. If you don't have kids, get out while you can and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone who will treat you properly and not make you feel lonely in your own relationship...or be single, that sounds much better than what you're putting up with now.

We haven't yet tried for children. Sometimes I wonder if the joy of having a child will make up for my sadness and disappointment over the relationship.

Giving a child a father who you don’t rate as a husband is the wrong thing to do.

If he’s not good enough for you, he’s not good enough for a child.

Having a child with someone like this will not make you happier, far far far from it no matter how much you love the child.

I am agonising over whether it is better to stay in a disappointing relationship (but which may possibly improve) or to leave and risk never finding anyone else. I am fearing the unknown.

It's natural to fear the unknown, its a leap of faith that it will be better, but you aren't happy now and it sounds like he has some absolutely awful traits. Staying with him might feel safer as it's known, but it's known that you'll be miserable; hardly a good thing. Things won't get better.

No! Especially not a year in, OP.

DH and I are into our second decade of marriage. I would say momentary irritation is normal and reasonable but not feelings of despair and despondency.

This.

Get out now while you still can. Do not have children with him.