DH Alcohol

[AnonymousFemale2023]

Hi, sorry to put this on here. I suppose it belongs here and also the alcohol thread. I cant see that one is very busy, so I'm posting here.

So ill start off with that my DH has always been a big drinker. I can take it or leave it. More likely to leave it these days with having kids and being older. Honestly thought he would grow out of it as we got older. We've been together a long time. At the moment, were on the verge of splitting up. He knows im not happy but managed to stop drinking and convince me to stay. Will try to turn it around that im no fun/nagging etc. i feel really sad and lonely. My oldest girl is just turning into the teen years and becoming difficult. He deals with it by shouting, beer breath. Im more, trying to pick battles and talk. Its hard. Feel like im a single parent. Youngest is also difficult but starting to copy older sibling, which im trying to nip in the bud the bad behaviour. DH shouts, slams doors, sits upstairs in our bedroom drinking watching tv. It really gets on my nerves. He comes home, gets out of the way and i parent all night.

he did cut his drinking right down as id had a word. But this week hes had potentially one night off, i say potentially as hes getting extremely good at hiding his stash of drinks. He will have a supply on show but then they never hardly go down or i will see hes drank a different brand of alcohol beer instead in the recycle bin when i put rubbish out. Id say hes drinking around 60-70 units a week. Im trying not to track him anymore as it sends you crazy.

i just know we cannot carry on like this. When i have the conversation, he just makes me feel really guilty and tells me he loves me, i wont get anyone else who loves me as much etc etc. its not about finding someone else, its not having to deal with this shit constantly. Its lonely, sad and difficult alongside the kids.

*he managed to stop drinking mid week

Your husband is an alcoholic. He isn’t going to magically change permanently unless he is ready to change.
Only you can decide if you want to live like that but it will absolutely be having an effect on the children. He of course will absolutely guilt trip you into staying because then there won’t be a marriage breakup because of his drinking habits & he can continue to pretend he doesn’t have an issue…not really.

There is support for family members of drinkers but if you are already doing lone parenting you could just do it without the extra anguish, worry and shouting.
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

DF is an alcoholic, DM left him when we were early teens. Out of the 4 of us, 2 became alcoholics, though one now sober. It’s a horrible disease that destroys families and people.

i know this is going to sound strange, naive even but is he really an alcoholic? Ive said that word to him before and hes just laughed it off and said that his drinking is normal. It’s certainly normal in his family as all his siblings drink like this. When we first met we were 20s out every weekend so its what we did. It feels like since having kids, ive grown up and he hasnt.

im sick of seeing that pissed look in his eyes constantly whilst hes at home. He works full time (i do too). And the recycling building up outside. Embarrassing taking all the bottles to the public recycling bin. Cannot stand the sound of a can opening. Fills me with dread. When i go to bed at night, he will swap to sitting downstairs and carrying on drinking. Hes got a hidden stash somewhere but i cant seem to find it. He would argue that because hes only drinking lager/wine, hes not got a problem as its jot spirits sat on a park bench, can go all day without drinking, can take breaks from it (only a few days and come the weekend hes back on it)

I left my ex in similar circumstances - but probably things had deteriorated further than your situation. Really escalated over the last year. In the end the shouting and anger when drunk was too extreme to expose my son to and I left with him very suddenly.

The hiding of the drinking, elaborate attempts to deceive, are a sign things are very bad, probably much worse than you know. Towards the end, I found that there was gin stashed in the car and other places like the water bottle attached to his bicycle. When I look back I think this had been happening for a long time before I realised.

When I left he gave up all pretence and was drinking round the clock, lost his job, lost his driving license. Went to rehab after a year and did well for 10 months, back to work, but now drinking again. I am so thankful I left, I have never regretted it. Thinking of you. It will not get better sadly, it is a progressive disease.

Try not to get caught up in an official ‘diagnosis’ of Alcoholism ( although it is clear from your post he is an alcoholic) but think about the effect his behaviour has on you.
Dreading his drinking and behaviour is not normal and not OK. You need a partner and a lover from a marriage - not a beer breath lump of aggression. The children are seeing this modelled and it’s not a good life for them - you all deserve more.

Hey lovely! I’m in recovery from addiction and imo it sounds like your DH is an alcoholic.

Unfortunately there is absolutely nothing you can do but put in boundaries and try to protect yourself. There’s no helping an alcoholic until they want to stop.

Theres an organisation called Al-Anon, this is for the loved ones of alcoholics and addiction issues and attended by people going through similar things as yourself? Go to a few meetings and see if you can find any support in there. The support is for you - but it’s not somewhere to get advice on DHs drinking or getting him to stop, it’s more about how you can get on with life in your situation.

Good luck ❤️

The 3cs re alcoholism are
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Alcoholism can also be learnt and he comes from a family where such drinking has been normalised. His siblings are all likely to be alcoholics too.

All your words are what a relationship with an alcoholic is like and he is in complete denial.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. I would urge you not to keep raising them in such a household because if you notice these things, they will too. You two are providing the blueprint for their own adult relationships, they do not warrant an alcoholic for a parent in their lives.

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon like another poster has suggested along with seeking legal advice re separation and divorce. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and its likely never really been with you either.
Your own recovery from his alcoholism will not properly start until he has been removed from the marital home and your day to day life.

Where are you getting all of this from?

That’s so many assumptions, I know handfuls of addicts and alcoholics whose siblings are not ‘all alcoholics’ and ones with no addiction what so ever in the family.

These stereotypes are actually harmful.

It’s also harmful to suggest someone should leave when they are not ready or that’s not what they want. OP wasn’t looking for separation advice.

I agree not to label it, what matters is how you want to live, and what you want your kids to grow up seeing.
And yes, he will say that he will stop/cut down/loves you/will kill himself if you leave. He will try every trick in the book to make you stay. Don’t be trapped by him, be yourself.

He’s hiding alcohol so you can’t take it from him.
Having no access to alcohol, or the thought of not being able to drink, causes him such panic that he hides it so he never has to be without.

Call it whatever you like, but he has an alcohol problem and is in denial.

What are you suggesting the OP does then.

Those are not stereotypes and alcoholism can be learnt from seeing other family members drink heavily.

Relationships where alcohol features often go one way; downwards. I am not suggesting she leaves immediately but seeks legal advice re separation and divorce as knowledge here is power. It will also do her children no favours to see such a relationship example.

I’ve already made a suggestion, you read it because you mentioned Al- anon in your post.

They are absolutely stereotypes and like I said, harmful. I have seen examples of many people not getting help because they have not fitted with the description of a stereotypical addict or alcoholic or have the stereotypical upbringing.

I understand you’re trying to be helpful, I think that’s really kind. But when people talk about addiction when they don’t really know too much about it, that can be really dangerous. Even if you’ve experienced it in your family, you can never fully understand addiction unless you’re an addict yourself.

I’ve also seen many partners of recovering addicts and the emotional toll on them is immeasurable and the suggestions they should leave put a lot more pressure on them when they are already at breaking point trying to care for someone with a terrifying, life threatening disease.

Wether alcoholism/addiction is learnt or you were born with it is still a debate and it doesn’t help to make assumptions and present them as facts - that’s all I’m saying.

If he loved you he wouldn't say you'll never get anyone else who loves you. He'd be proud of being your husband.

Anyone who hides alcohol has a serious drink problem

You can only influence your own behaviour when seeking happiness. In this case it means being brave brave enough to split up. He won’t change so you need to make changes.

Hiding drink is an indicator that his drinking problems are serious. 'Alcoholic ' is unhelpful shorthand - what matters is whether his drinking is having a negative impact on his family and his relationships. It clearly is.

Having a problem drinker for a parent is also a risk factor for your DC developing the same issues in later life.

I am not going to tell you to leave, but I will say that I did, and that life without him was so much better for me and my DC.

Only you can decide what you should do, but do seek help from Al-Anon or SMART family and friends. It will help clarify things, teach you to set boundaries and eventually help you work out what you want your future to be.

Even if you/ him doesn’t think he has an alcohol problem it sounds like he is not coparenting effectively with you and the issue asides from his drinking is the lack of support you feel
Could you write him a letter/ email about how lonely you feel and the impact his behaviours has on you and your children

Tell him what he needs to do to change and that you’ll help support him

I was drinking too much (5-6 units but every night and sometimes more) and the thing that helped was DH sat me down, calmly when it was quiet and said he was concerned. That made me think what am I doing? I heard a quote ‘you can have alcohol or you can have everything else’ and that really hit home too.

Sit him down when the kids are out and say you’re worried, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but he needs to be honest with you. His reaction to this will be all you need to know. If it jolts him out of it, then great. If he continues to deny and not see the issue you need to evaluate things.

I should have added in my post above with regards supporting him around him changing his behaviour would be only in so much that by supporting wouldn’t further impact on you or your children's wellbeing or health
Its all well and good for me to say support him but you don’t ever have to support someone to the detriment of your own well being
You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm

Thank you for all the responses. I would like to end this. Honestly, i feel like ive given him enough chances to change but it all leads back to him bingeing more harder and getting worse with the whole hiding drinking. I did approach him about the hiding drinks and that his glass is never empty but he said he feels he has to as im always watching him/nagging him. Always turns it back to my fault and then i feel im in the wrong. Deep down i know im right. Hes got a serious problem. I do wonder if i left him, that it would tip him over and whether it would all start to slide downhill. I worry hes over the limit the following day. Last night he came home with a bottle of wine, 4 pint cans lager and i saw he drank a different brand of normal size can lager. That is 19 units. He probably drinks 60 units over Fri-Sun. Tbh im probably way off how many units hes drinking. It’s frustrating he cant see it for himself. Its going to take me standing up and saying no more for him to realise, but i doubt he will

Don’t focus on him, focus on you. You are in charge of your own destiny.

He won’t change. You need to decide how long you will put up with it.

You need to stop worrying about him and focus on you and your daughters.

My ex always blamed me for his drinking too. Once in desperation I remember asking - “What are you going to do about your drinking?” His response - “What are you going to do to make my life less stressful so I don’t have to drink?”

Since I have left I can see all the patterns and behaviour which all alcoholics seem to have in common. Self pity, inability to accept blame/responsibility, denial, dishonesty.

He probably will go over the edge if/ when you leave but this may be his chance to change. Mine did go to rehab when I left, never would have when we were together, although he’s now drinking again

You can only help your own self ultimately. Choose you and your kids.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.