DH Alcohol

[AnonymousFemale2023]

Hi, sorry to put this on here. I suppose it belongs here and also the alcohol thread. I cant see that one is very busy, so I'm posting here.

So ill start off with that my DH has always been a big drinker. I can take it or leave it. More likely to leave it these days with having kids and being older. Honestly thought he would grow out of it as we got older. We've been together a long time. At the moment, were on the verge of splitting up. He knows im not happy but managed to stop drinking and convince me to stay. Will try to turn it around that im no fun/nagging etc. i feel really sad and lonely. My oldest girl is just turning into the teen years and becoming difficult. He deals with it by shouting, beer breath. Im more, trying to pick battles and talk. Its hard. Feel like im a single parent. Youngest is also difficult but starting to copy older sibling, which im trying to nip in the bud the bad behaviour. DH shouts, slams doors, sits upstairs in our bedroom drinking watching tv. It really gets on my nerves. He comes home, gets out of the way and i parent all night.

he did cut his drinking right down as id had a word. But this week hes had potentially one night off, i say potentially as hes getting extremely good at hiding his stash of drinks. He will have a supply on show but then they never hardly go down or i will see hes drank a different brand of alcohol beer instead in the recycle bin when i put rubbish out. Id say hes drinking around 60-70 units a week. Im trying not to track him anymore as it sends you crazy.

i just know we cannot carry on like this. When i have the conversation, he just makes me feel really guilty and tells me he loves me, i wont get anyone else who loves me as much etc etc. its not about finding someone else, its not having to deal with this shit constantly. Its lonely, sad and difficult alongside the kids.

Yep, mine blamed me, the kids and his job for his drinking. Never took the slightest responsibility himself.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

And also this. Mine lost his wife, his kids, his house, his job and still kept drinking. So he also lost his life.

You need to focus on the things that you do have the power to change: your life, your kids' lives, your responses to his drinking.

What happens to him if you do leave him is not your responsibility, it's his.

Thanks for all the responses. Its given me something to think about

@AnonymousFemale2023 take your time getting your head clear. It took me a long time to get that clarity, but when I did it enabled me to act and be totally consistent. It's why I ended up standing firm in the face of escalating awful behaviour from him, right up until there had to be police involvement. Finding your inner strength really helps.

But do get support. You don't have to do this alone.

I’m in recovery from addiction… if you want to leave him you absolutely should it’s SO ok to put yourself first.

I really wish you all the best.

Please consider Al-anon for support x

@AnonymousFemale2023 The above was supposed to quote you x

An alcoholic won’t usually admit to being an alcoholic until they’ll go to AA or similar recovery programme.
He needs to keep you as his enabler— I know, I was horrified to be told I was my exh enabler. But I was, I paid the bills ( couldn’t have electricity or gas cut off, had to buy food) I drove him because he was constantly over the limit he drank so much.
Contact Al Anon for support for you. Suggest to your h he goes to an AA meeting. If he won’t you’ve done all you can and it’s time to move out, or he moves out, and you parent the children alone.
Good luck.

I am his enabler. The last couple of months hes been unable to pay me his full half of the bills. £100 short, even though he works full time. Still buys alcohol every day 🤦🏻‍♀️ this has to stop 😖

Im going to have (another) conversation with him today and really lay it out for him. He did stop mid week drinking for a month or so and said how great he felt, slept better etc. Its slipped and gone back to daily. Its funny because even though he has drank daily, although in secret and hidden the stash and his glass, when i confront him about that, he will swear blind he has been dry all week. Im sure theres a part of him that believes it too!

i was talking to a friend yesterday (who doesnt know about this - no one knows), and they were saying about day trips out, upcoming trips they have planned and i felt really sad. Like hes holding me back from booking these things because hes not giving me half the money fairly so i end up struggling each month whilst hes planning lads weekends, buying daily drinks and trips to the pub. This has to stop 🤬

Like so many posts of this type too, its mainly about the alcoholic.

You also need to get off the merry go around named denial. Apart from being his enabler you are also playing out the roles of codependent partner and provoker (because you never forget). Your own recovery from his alcoholism has not even started yet and won't until you and he are apart. Its a hard read but I would urge you to read the 3 act play that is alcoholism. A Merry Go Round For Femaile Alcoholic- final (1).pdf (cloversites.com)

How many people in your real life circle know about this? I was not all that surprised to read that no-one knows though I daresay although one or two of your friends may harbour their own private based suspicions about your H. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy; please find support for your own self here and start opening up to one or two trusted others in your real life circle.

Talking to him about his drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. Please do not do this; you will again hit his walls of denial and stonewalling. Apart from anything else it did not do anything last time around. Your time would instead be better employed helping your own self by attending Al-anon meetings along with planning your exit from this marriage. Your children are also seeing your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to this and they will pick up on all the vibes.

He will be unlikely to stop drinking without support (he does not want your help and or support and besides which you are too close to the situation) and additionally he is showing no indications at all of he wanting to seek help from the likes of AA or similar organisations.

I have to agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat - you are still trying to do the impossible. Until you accept that you are absolutely powerless to change his drinking habits, you will get nowhere. The only people you can help are yourself and your DC. It isn't selfish to put yourself first. It wasn't until I started doing exactly that that I started making progress. If you join a support group, you will find affirmation of this truth.

As someone who is in Recovery myself to me your DH is showing all signs of an Alcoholic. We think we are such good liars but we are not. Hiding the bottles etc totally remember doing that. He has to be made aware of the impact his drinking is having on the family. However he must want to stop for himself it's the only way. At the moment he seems in total denial. Take care of yourself and your children. X