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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family aaaarrrrgh!!!!!

30 replies

rockchild1117 · 21/04/2023 17:53

Hi bit of a background there was a falling out in my family a few years ago by my brother and parents and husband as my brother lived abroad and had come over on holiday over Christmas which he usually did every 2 years and we usually went up to my parents house around 2-3 times each time he came over. We were going through a lot of stress at the time with our then 5 year old son at school with him having meltdowns, getting phone calls from the school and him being isolated and later on being diagnosed with Autism some months later. It was really taking a toll on our mental health. A large family meal was organised, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins etc so they could meet up my brother. My husband opted not to come and have some downtime as he was off work over the Christmas holidays and struggling with mental health and some months later had a breakdown and was diagnosed with depresson and put on antidepressants.

At the meal my son was overwhelmed and was having a meltdown, I called my husband to come and pick up our son, my husband arrived unwashed, no socks on his trousers falling down as he had no belt on and just wanted to get my son and leave. This was talked about that he was ignorant that he never spoke to anyone even though he just wanted to get our upset child out, no time for chit chat with everyone whilst my son was having a meltdown.

Another family meal was organised at my parents house a couple of days later which my husband attended to see my brother. My husband was then told after that he had totally disrespected the family for not going to the first meal and that he was no longer welcome in my parents house and my brother said that if he ever seen my husband he was going to fight him. I explained about my son but all of my family at that point just believed my son was naughty and my parents just thought he needed disiplined by smacking him and that I was being to soft of a parent and not disiplining him properly as I wasnt smacking him.

This continued for a few years that my parents and my husband didnt speak, they are now on speaking terms and he is allowed back in their house.

My brother and my husband never got back on speaking terms and my brother said that if be seen him when here on another holiday he would fight him

What upset my parents is that when they said he had disrespected the family he said well you are not my family. This was not said in mallice and I think my husband is also Autistic so I think literal thinking. He classes me and our 2 kids as his family as well as his mum and dad and brother and sister. He does not class his brothers wife and sisters husband as family.

My husband has married someone who is Latin American and I dont know if its a cultural thing to call your Mother in Law and Father in Law Mum and Dad so because my sister in law does this it appears as if she respects them more. I dont think that seems that common here in the UK, at least I dont know anyone that calls the MIL and FIL mum and dad. I dont call my mother and father in law mum and dad because they are not my mum and dad as I only have 1 mum and dad and thats the way my husband sees things but it has been taken as a disrespect. Are we in the wrong. Why cant my family see things from our point of view without it being seen as disrespect? Should my husband have attended the meal even though his mental health was affected? The family meal wasnt even on Christmas Day either as we spent Christmas Day with my inlaws.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 21/04/2023 17:57

Your family sounds like hard work and like they have to have things their way or not all.
Why do they think they're more important?

Babysharkdoodoodood · 21/04/2023 18:00

Your family sound like twats.

Nevermind31 · 21/04/2023 18:02

I would not set foot into your parent’s house again. Fighting someone for disrespect???

Speakingofdinosaurs · 21/04/2023 18:04

I would say it’s very unusual for people in the UK to call in-laws Mum & Dad and it’s definitely not a mark of disrespect.
I thinks it’s something that was more common in previous generations.
Is your husband a good man? Is he a help with your son and good with him?
If the answers to those questions are yes then I think you should be supporting your husband against your family.
And to be honest your brother sound ridiculous and immature.

Charliecatpaws · 21/04/2023 18:05

Your brother will fight your husband if he sees him??? He sounds about 12, it's about time he grew up. I feel sorry for you and your husband

Original poster
rockchild1117 · 21/04/2023 18:07

Also to add my brother was gaslighting me at the time and saying he had spoken to a friend that said if her husband did this she would divorce him, so it was being suggested I divorce my husband for him disrespecting the family. Also trying to say to me that I needed to get my husband help as this was not normal behavior.

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 21/04/2023 18:08

It doesn't sound like a proper conversation has happened since all this occurred.
Your family were being unreasonable, but, also their pov came from some fundamental misunderstandings.
Once these are cemented it is hard to mend without both sides getting together and properly listening to each other.

My ILs did something in a similar vein which was pretty heinous, we have got over it but only because we had a 'summit meeting' where time was given for all parties to say their piece and be heard (and due acknowledgement and apologies given). If people had not been willing to do that, they wouldn't be in our lives now

I get the impression it's all been a bit swept under the carpet or avoided, so it'll hang between you forever and new dil will seem comparatively easier.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 21/04/2023 18:09

But if your family are unreasonable gas lighting arses, then you might have to reduce your expectations of what kind of relationship is reasonable with them. 😒

maddening · 21/04/2023 18:12

Your family sound awful, your poor Dh and Ds

PappedOot · 21/04/2023 18:12

Your brother wants to “fight” your husband? For being disrespectful? He sounds like a complete twat. Who does that?

AdoraBell · 21/04/2023 18:25

YANBU. Your brother threatening to fight your DH is completely outrageous regardless of his wife being Latin American. I lived in Latin America and my experience is that the husband’s family come first.

A good friend once told me she was sad because she never sees her mum at weekends because her husband wants to visit his family. Every weekend, because weekends are family time. It’s just they way it is over there.

That isn’t relevant in your situation. I would tell them that if your DH isn’t welcome then they have chosen to exclude you and their GC. The ball is in their court.

Also, I was never allowed to address my PIL’s by their fist names and if I wouldn’t call them mum & dad I had to call them Mr & Mrs X. After almost 30 years with DH I have addressed them directly.

Ponderingwindow · 21/04/2023 18:27

Your brother threatened to assault your husband. Your family insulted your husband and delayed him while he was trying to focus on a child in distress.

the correct response is to tell
your family that their behavior is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate this kind of treatment. If your brother continues to threaten violence he should be excluded from all future family gatherings. If they don’t apologize and do better, they won’t be seeing any member of your immediate family, including you.

Curseofthenation · 21/04/2023 18:48

I think I would go NC with my DB for threatening to beat up my DH on multiple occasions. He sounds crazy.

Blizzard23 · 21/04/2023 19:00

It’s astonishing given your dh’s extremely poor mental health and your child’s diagnosis that your family could not muster the merest hint of empathy and compassion for your situation, and choose to attack your poor husband, and threaten him with violence.

Can you not see how deeply damaging that is to your child and husband?

How is it ever acceptable op? To have your child labelled naughty and punished for autism and your husband threatened repeatedly. Why didn’t they offer to help? That is a normal reaction when you see someone else in distress.

I think you need counselling to understand your deeply dysfunctional family and to learn how to put some boundaries around your dh and ds before they are mistreated further.

I would not have anyone around my autistic child that could not and would not understand his condition, and felt they should punish him no wonder ds had a meltdown. Please keep them away from him, and protect both dh and ds from your abusive family.

Original poster
rockchild1117 · 22/04/2023 13:41

After my husband not attending the meal help with my son was withdrawn from my family. We were told we were just making excuses for my husband not attending the meal. My son was diagnosed with Autism just 3 months later. My brother started putting bullying comments on to Facebook so I had to then delete him. My brother and Dad told everyone that they seen about the situation and tried to make out as if we are very selfish people.
My brother also caused another family fued a couple of years later which has now left a lot of the family not speaking. He threatened my cousins husband publicly on Facebook trying to appear the big man.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 22/04/2023 13:47

If all of this is true then you should have walked out with your husband, when your family told him he's no longer welcome.

Hankunamatata · 22/04/2023 13:48

Is your brother 12. Who on earth threatens to fight bil

LaMaG · 23/04/2023 09:51

YANBU. Your family especially brother sound ridiculous. Actually in a way I feel your parents are worse for letting this to happen and not reaching out.

So maybe your H was a bit rude under extremely stressful circumstances, surely they can cut some slack. What I find remarkable is the lack of support regarding your son, they should support you even if they genuinely don't like your H for whatever reason. I had similar experiences with my son and still am hurt by my families response of indifference on 1 side and comments on parenting or discipline on the other. Not the same thing I know but I feel for you and am so sorry about this xx

pfftt · 23/04/2023 20:04

my brother said that if he ever seen my husband he was going to fight him.
Are you hillbillies? Or Sicilian gangsters?

Original poster
rockchild1117 · 23/04/2023 20:14

pfftt we are of Italian descent and yes my brother seems to think he is a Sicilian gangster! Hence the whole you have disrespected the family!

OP posts:
Comtesse · 23/04/2023 20:17

Your brother is a fool. Not sure I would want anything to do with him whilst he is making stupid threats.

Seas164 · 23/04/2023 20:29

Your brother wants to fight your husband, and your wider family want to smack your child.

I'd be absolutely giving them a very wide berth from now on, let them make out you are selfish people, be at peace with that from a distance.

growgrowinggrown · 23/04/2023 20:49

Sorry but you sound like a bad wife in all of this. Why on earth wouldn't you support your husband and stand up to your family/brother against this bullshit?

I wouldn't be surprised if this had been a huge influence in his depression.

Get your act together and present a united front with the father of your child against your frankly batshit family.

Your own parents don't believe your child's diagnosis, advocate smacking and withdrew their support. That is not a good family.

Natty13 · 23/04/2023 22:58

Peiple like this really fuck me off. The rate of suicide in men is through the roof. Yet when someone is struggling instead of being supportive and understanding they shun him and threaten to fight him! If your husband had not got help for his MH and had done the unthinkable, I bet your bloody family would have been all "I wish he'd have said".

Personally I wouldn't have anything to do with people who behave that way and want my marriage to fail.

Deathraystare · 24/04/2023 11:46

So your Brother thinks he is a big man, the Godfather. If your family cannot accept your husband's mental health and your son's prognosis (if that is the word!) then perhaps you may have to consider seeing them less or not at all.

They are being very silly.