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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family aaaarrrrgh!!!!!

30 replies

rockchild1117 · 21/04/2023 17:53

Hi bit of a background there was a falling out in my family a few years ago by my brother and parents and husband as my brother lived abroad and had come over on holiday over Christmas which he usually did every 2 years and we usually went up to my parents house around 2-3 times each time he came over. We were going through a lot of stress at the time with our then 5 year old son at school with him having meltdowns, getting phone calls from the school and him being isolated and later on being diagnosed with Autism some months later. It was really taking a toll on our mental health. A large family meal was organised, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins etc so they could meet up my brother. My husband opted not to come and have some downtime as he was off work over the Christmas holidays and struggling with mental health and some months later had a breakdown and was diagnosed with depresson and put on antidepressants.

At the meal my son was overwhelmed and was having a meltdown, I called my husband to come and pick up our son, my husband arrived unwashed, no socks on his trousers falling down as he had no belt on and just wanted to get my son and leave. This was talked about that he was ignorant that he never spoke to anyone even though he just wanted to get our upset child out, no time for chit chat with everyone whilst my son was having a meltdown.

Another family meal was organised at my parents house a couple of days later which my husband attended to see my brother. My husband was then told after that he had totally disrespected the family for not going to the first meal and that he was no longer welcome in my parents house and my brother said that if he ever seen my husband he was going to fight him. I explained about my son but all of my family at that point just believed my son was naughty and my parents just thought he needed disiplined by smacking him and that I was being to soft of a parent and not disiplining him properly as I wasnt smacking him.

This continued for a few years that my parents and my husband didnt speak, they are now on speaking terms and he is allowed back in their house.

My brother and my husband never got back on speaking terms and my brother said that if be seen him when here on another holiday he would fight him

What upset my parents is that when they said he had disrespected the family he said well you are not my family. This was not said in mallice and I think my husband is also Autistic so I think literal thinking. He classes me and our 2 kids as his family as well as his mum and dad and brother and sister. He does not class his brothers wife and sisters husband as family.

My husband has married someone who is Latin American and I dont know if its a cultural thing to call your Mother in Law and Father in Law Mum and Dad so because my sister in law does this it appears as if she respects them more. I dont think that seems that common here in the UK, at least I dont know anyone that calls the MIL and FIL mum and dad. I dont call my mother and father in law mum and dad because they are not my mum and dad as I only have 1 mum and dad and thats the way my husband sees things but it has been taken as a disrespect. Are we in the wrong. Why cant my family see things from our point of view without it being seen as disrespect? Should my husband have attended the meal even though his mental health was affected? The family meal wasnt even on Christmas Day either as we spent Christmas Day with my inlaws.

OP posts:
HowRatherGolly · 24/04/2023 14:11

That meal must have been so hard. I understand where you are coming from as my GS is also on the spectrum, so any sensory overload is difficult for him to navigate, he is 2 and half. Your family sound like they are not really supportive of your choices what you do and feel is right with regards to your DS upbringing, and how you approach parenting. It sounds like you are doing great.
Sometimes its just not possible to explain your needs to someone who is not willing to hear you out, who are responding to things being said that is so not helping and then leaving you to make choices that are both hard and inflict sadness. specially if you have to stop contact due to family´s lack of support and understanding.
Remember, you need to be confident in what you feel is right for your family. You need to voice is over and over regardless of you not being heard. Put down the boundaries and you are doing that. Smacking is not raising good kids. Its abuse.
Your brother is not helping by making threats and your DH is right in cutting that out completely. Your DH has every right to turn up any way he likes to pick up your DC, what is not right is to expect someone who is going through hard times to bow to their needs and ignore his. Unfortunately we cant raise adults, saying something to someone who only hears their own voice is also a waste of time for now. You do you as you know what is right for your little family. That is what matters now seeing the family is not there supporting you when things are tough.

Original poster
rockchild1117 · 16/09/2023 09:17

Well the saga continues. I've still not spoken to m brother. I feel there has to be accountability on his part of trolling on social media. Bitchy messages that were sent around the family before most of them stopped speaking to him. I feel I am owed an apology but my Dad has now said I am being spiteful by not just letting evertything go and keep dragging it on. To add myself and my husband and kids have quite happily been getting on with our lives for the last few years but my brother is the one that kept on posting messages on social media and tagging my mum I believe looking for a reaction. Not sure if it was all just attention seeking behaviour on his part.
I had travelled to the country my brother lives in for a holiday in April but not to meet him, he lives hours away from where I was visiting but then happened to be in the same place at the same time. He apparently wanted to meet up, think it was more his wife than him. I had said to my mum I had wanted an apology for all of the bullying over the past 7 years and was assured he would apologise. I messaged him saying my Mum said he wanted to meet up to make amends and apologise and did not receive any response.
A call later with my Dad he started shouting to me that my brother had put out an olive branch and was not going to be grovelling to me with an apology. So I think to sum it up I'm expected to meet with him and just act like nothing ever happened because he is putting out an olive branch.
I do not think it is unreasonable after 7 years of abuse to expect an apology.
I feel like myself and my husband are being gaslighted to believe that we are in the wrong and we are preventing everything from being resolved.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 16/09/2023 13:35

rockchild1117 · 16/09/2023 09:17

Well the saga continues. I've still not spoken to m brother. I feel there has to be accountability on his part of trolling on social media. Bitchy messages that were sent around the family before most of them stopped speaking to him. I feel I am owed an apology but my Dad has now said I am being spiteful by not just letting evertything go and keep dragging it on. To add myself and my husband and kids have quite happily been getting on with our lives for the last few years but my brother is the one that kept on posting messages on social media and tagging my mum I believe looking for a reaction. Not sure if it was all just attention seeking behaviour on his part.
I had travelled to the country my brother lives in for a holiday in April but not to meet him, he lives hours away from where I was visiting but then happened to be in the same place at the same time. He apparently wanted to meet up, think it was more his wife than him. I had said to my mum I had wanted an apology for all of the bullying over the past 7 years and was assured he would apologise. I messaged him saying my Mum said he wanted to meet up to make amends and apologise and did not receive any response.
A call later with my Dad he started shouting to me that my brother had put out an olive branch and was not going to be grovelling to me with an apology. So I think to sum it up I'm expected to meet with him and just act like nothing ever happened because he is putting out an olive branch.
I do not think it is unreasonable after 7 years of abuse to expect an apology.
I feel like myself and my husband are being gaslighted to believe that we are in the wrong and we are preventing everything from being resolved.

I don't know why you have anything to do with any of your family to be honest.

WonkyDesk · 16/09/2023 15:10

Toxic is what it is. I don't have time for that sort of bollocks. I'd be ignoring them and keeping my distance. Focus on what's important, you and your little unit.

Codlingmoths · 16/09/2023 15:22

Well the good news is I expect everyone knows your brother is an aggressive bigmouth jerk. Say to your dad thanks but I need to manage my own life, if I let him back into it he’d just start abusing me again. Do you want your daughter tj be abused? If you want us to talk so badly then you make him apologise.

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