From Perfect Match to Friendzoned

Sproutycakes18 · 2023-04-21T09:15:51+00:00

Hoping someone can make sense of the this situation because it's done my head in... I'm a 32 year old female, at the end of January I went on a date with a lovely guy who made out that I was everything he was looking for... I've never had any luck with relationships and really thought I'd found 'The One' with him, I've only ever had one relationship and that was abusive... February time I asked if I could be his girlfriend and he replied that he didn't have time for a relationship right now. I explicitly asked him if there was a future for 'us' and gave me the impression there was. We carried on in a FwB setup, me thinking this was the sort of compromise until he had the time for something more. Fast forward to the weekend just gone and he's dropped the bombshell that he's been dating someone else and only ever saw me as a friend but apparently still fancies me. The stress of dealing with this has made me ill on and off all week because I genuinely cannot see how what we had can be described as just a friendship and why I went from being his perfect match to suddenly unsuitable. I then went about FB stalking the new woman (I know... Should't have gone there) however, he first took her on a date on the 11th March, a day or two after that I'd had a pregnancy scare with him. His response to that scare was 'It's not the right time to bring a child into our situation.' The horror of realising he was dating someone else while still sleeping with me and not exactly saying I don't want a baby with you, has completely messed with my head. He's refusing to discuss why I suddenly went from perfect to friendzoned so I feel like I can't get the closure to move on. The one thing we both always said about what we had, that we both loved, was that we were open and honest with each other. But after all this I feel completely deceived and almost like I don't know who he really is anymore.

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 21/04/2023 10:31

You can be the closure... cut him off and dont look back. You will never get the answers and all it will do is drive you insane and quite frankly i wouldnt give him the satisfaction of giving him any head space..i mean, do you really want this man in your life? Hes been feeding u a load of bull to sleep with you, all while searching for someone else.
Im sorry he has done this to you but all you need to know is he is an arse hole. Dont be his back up plan either if he splits with the OW

CallieQ · 21/04/2023 10:48

You sound a little needy if you don't mind me saying

LiliLil · 21/04/2023 11:03

@CallieQ that was unnecessary.

The OP has a history of abusive relationships so her self esteem must be on the floor.

OP, there are a lot of red flags here that you maybe didn’t see, or made excuses for.

The instant connection - look up lovebombing. While that instant connection being genuine is possible sometimes, a relationship is built slowly over time as you get to know someone.

Him telling you he didn’t want a relationship - you have compromised your own needs here because that’s what you wanted. It’s fine to be in a different place regarding what you want but at that point you should have walked away, not waited around for crumbs hoping he would change his mind. You are worthy and don’t need to settle - he doesn’t want a relationship? Fine, but you’re not sitting around waiting for him!

Please take some time to work on yourself, you have done nothing wrong here and he’s treated you appallingly but you won’t get closure from him. The closure is him showing you who he really is. Respect yourself enough to never contact him again, and wait for someone to treat you the way you deserve. No games, no second guessing, no anxiety. He’s done you a favour I promise, and this is from someone who’s been exactly where you are right now x

Newusername21 · 21/04/2023 11:08

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

You siad you were open and honest with each other - but actually neither of you were.
He was obviously dating others and didn't tell you However - you agreed to move forward with him in a FWB situation - but actually what you really wanted was a committed monogamous relationship.

Unfortunately I don't think you're going to get any closure from this man. stop any contact with him. Take some time to recover and then next time you date be honest with yourself and future dates about what you want and don't settle for anything less

LowFlyingDucks · 21/04/2023 11:09

This guy is manipulative.

He probably knows all the right things to say and do to make women think he ‘could be the one’ - just enough to get them shagging him and trying to please him, but also holding back - just enough to get an easy exit when he moved on to the next.

He is on some level probably very chuffed with his own ability to get women eating out of his hand.

He’s a charmer.

You can’t get closure.

How many went before you?

How many will come after you?

Ofcourseshecan · 21/04/2023 11:12

LiliLil · 21/04/2023 11:03

@CallieQ that was unnecessary.

The OP has a history of abusive relationships so her self esteem must be on the floor.

OP, there are a lot of red flags here that you maybe didn’t see, or made excuses for.

The instant connection - look up lovebombing. While that instant connection being genuine is possible sometimes, a relationship is built slowly over time as you get to know someone.

Him telling you he didn’t want a relationship - you have compromised your own needs here because that’s what you wanted. It’s fine to be in a different place regarding what you want but at that point you should have walked away, not waited around for crumbs hoping he would change his mind. You are worthy and don’t need to settle - he doesn’t want a relationship? Fine, but you’re not sitting around waiting for him!

Please take some time to work on yourself, you have done nothing wrong here and he’s treated you appallingly but you won’t get closure from him. The closure is him showing you who he really is. Respect yourself enough to never contact him again, and wait for someone to treat you the way you deserve. No games, no second guessing, no anxiety. He’s done you a favour I promise, and this is from someone who’s been exactly where you are right now x

I agree. OP, he was never honest or open. He used you. You deserve so much better.

Suzi888 · 21/04/2023 11:15

Would you honestly want him? He sounds horrid.

The woman he’s been dating probably has no clue about you and she may not be the only one either, there could be more.

He’s a user, will always be on the look out for something else.

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 21/04/2023 11:16

Fuuuuck me OP. You met him in January, it's not even the end of April.

I say this kindly. Please talk to someone professionally and try to learn how to have boundaries and not dive into things so fast. There's nothing here to analyse, he's just a twat.

Take care of yourself x

LowFlyingDucks · 21/04/2023 11:18

I think the only way you could get closure OP would be to gather up everything you have that reminds you of him and burning it, whilst deleting all evidence of him from your phone, etc and blocking him everywhere.

Have a ‘burn ceremony’.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/04/2023 11:19

He wanted to have sex with you, then once he had achieved that he started looking for the next woman to have sex with. He may not be averse to having sex with you occasionally if you make it easy for him to do so while also having sex with other women. He is not really interested in having a relationship apart from the sex.

You can do better.

Original poster

Sproutycakes18 · 21/04/2023 11:26

LiliLil · 21/04/2023 11:03

@CallieQ that was unnecessary.

The OP has a history of abusive relationships so her self esteem must be on the floor.

OP, there are a lot of red flags here that you maybe didn’t see, or made excuses for.

The instant connection - look up lovebombing. While that instant connection being genuine is possible sometimes, a relationship is built slowly over time as you get to know someone.

Him telling you he didn’t want a relationship - you have compromised your own needs here because that’s what you wanted. It’s fine to be in a different place regarding what you want but at that point you should have walked away, not waited around for crumbs hoping he would change his mind. You are worthy and don’t need to settle - he doesn’t want a relationship? Fine, but you’re not sitting around waiting for him!

Please take some time to work on yourself, you have done nothing wrong here and he’s treated you appallingly but you won’t get closure from him. The closure is him showing you who he really is. Respect yourself enough to never contact him again, and wait for someone to treat you the way you deserve. No games, no second guessing, no anxiety. He’s done you a favour I promise, and this is from someone who’s been exactly where you are right now x

I am aware of lovebombing... I made a point of understand how abusers work after the last relationship hoping I'd never end up in the same situation... He wasn't necessarily romantic as such but we just got on from the get go.

He said he didn't have time for a relationship... Thinking we had a special connection and that a relationship was on the cards in the future. I guess I was just prepared to compromise because I'd never had such a connection with a guy before.

I have realised that now no contact is going to be the way to go.

Thanks for the advice x

OP posts:

LiliLil · 21/04/2023 11:27

Well done OP, no contact is hard but it’s the only way.

He doesn’t deserve you.

Original poster

Sproutycakes18 · 21/04/2023 11:31

Suzi888 · 21/04/2023 11:15

Would you honestly want him? He sounds horrid.

The woman he’s been dating probably has no clue about you and she may not be the only one either, there could be more.

He’s a user, will always be on the look out for something else.

No, I don't...

I guess my point of the post was asking how to get over/deal with such a mind f**k...

OP posts:

Inthesamesinkingboat · 21/04/2023 11:34

He sounds like he’s pretty expert at manipulating people to me. He got you on the hook by overwhelming you initially and then expertly moved you into a FwB role that let’s be honest you weren’t looking for. move on you can do so much better

LowFlyingDucks · 21/04/2023 11:35

I'd never had such a connection with a guy before.

Beware of this feeling. There are some charmers out there who are extremely adept at making you believe there’s a special connection. In fact, there’s a guy on here who seems to have fallen for a woman who knows the same trick and has been stringing him along too.

Real connection is different, there will be some tension as you try to get the measure of each other- and there is no way someone who feels a genuine mutual connection with you, would give you mixed signals about it, talking about ‘not ready for a relationship’ whist shagging you. If they were genuinely confused , they would ‘let you in’ to discuss what it was, and would try to find a way forward with you.

Original poster

Sproutycakes18 · 21/04/2023 11:39

AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 21/04/2023 11:16

Fuuuuck me OP. You met him in January, it's not even the end of April.

I say this kindly. Please talk to someone professionally and try to learn how to have boundaries and not dive into things so fast. There's nothing here to analyse, he's just a twat.

Take care of yourself x

I respect what you're saying and yes maybe I was an idiot but being a hopeless romantic and suddenly meeting someone that felt like 'The One'... I couldn't help it. I've had a rough few years and he felt like the happy ending but clearly not.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sproutycakes18 · 21/04/2023 11:41

LowFlyingDucks · 21/04/2023 11:35

I'd never had such a connection with a guy before.

Beware of this feeling. There are some charmers out there who are extremely adept at making you believe there’s a special connection. In fact, there’s a guy on here who seems to have fallen for a woman who knows the same trick and has been stringing him along too.

Real connection is different, there will be some tension as you try to get the measure of each other- and there is no way someone who feels a genuine mutual connection with you, would give you mixed signals about it, talking about ‘not ready for a relationship’ whist shagging you. If they were genuinely confused , they would ‘let you in’ to discuss what it was, and would try to find a way forward with you.

Thank you... It's definitely been a lesson learnt.

OP posts:

topmypencil · 21/04/2023 11:47

I am sorry you're going through this.
I got great advice on here some months ago and it was this....
When you encounter such people of poor quality, instead of Ruminating about what went wrong and
Your part in it and shaming yourself for feeling so deeply , be thankful that he revealed himself nice and early .

You don't want poor quality . You want high quality and deserve high quality.
In fact that's all you deserve .... only high .

Leave the low hanging fruit for those who will tolerate these behaviours , shoulders back and head up now !

MMmomDD · 21/04/2023 11:56

OP - write it off as a bad experience.
and think about it - you only know him for a few months! It’s not that you ‘don’t know him anymore’ - you don’t YET know him.

No one knows they are perfect for each other when they just meet. It takes actually having a relationship and spending time with each other to figure things out.
Pregnancy scare two months in - and him
saying ‘not quite the right time’ - is not an indication he doesn’t want to have a child just yet.

I think you aren’t really ready for a relationship at this time. If you can - a bit of counselling may not be a bad thing for you.

Original poster

Sproutycakes18 · 21/04/2023 11:57

topmypencil · 21/04/2023 11:47

I am sorry you're going through this.
I got great advice on here some months ago and it was this....
When you encounter such people of poor quality, instead of Ruminating about what went wrong and
Your part in it and shaming yourself for feeling so deeply , be thankful that he revealed himself nice and early .

You don't want poor quality . You want high quality and deserve high quality.
In fact that's all you deserve .... only high .

Leave the low hanging fruit for those who will tolerate these behaviours , shoulders back and head up now !

Beautiful words of advice. Thank you so much x

OP posts:

Original poster

Sproutycakes18 · 21/04/2023 11:59

MMmomDD · 21/04/2023 11:56

OP - write it off as a bad experience.
and think about it - you only know him for a few months! It’s not that you ‘don’t know him anymore’ - you don’t YET know him.

No one knows they are perfect for each other when they just meet. It takes actually having a relationship and spending time with each other to figure things out.
Pregnancy scare two months in - and him
saying ‘not quite the right time’ - is not an indication he doesn’t want to have a child just yet.

I think you aren’t really ready for a relationship at this time. If you can - a bit of counselling may not be a bad thing for you.

I've had counselling before after leaving the abusive relationship and didn't really find it much use.

OP posts:

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/04/2023 12:00

To be fair, he told you exactly what he wanted back in Feb. You wanted a relationship, he wanted a FwB. You clung onto that hoping it would become more. You can't be mad at him for dating someone else when he's not in a relationship with you.

Move on OP, and next time someone tells you that they're not looking for a relationship, believe them.

Original poster

Sproutycakes18 · 21/04/2023 12:04

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/04/2023 12:00

To be fair, he told you exactly what he wanted back in Feb. You wanted a relationship, he wanted a FwB. You clung onto that hoping it would become more. You can't be mad at him for dating someone else when he's not in a relationship with you.

Move on OP, and next time someone tells you that they're not looking for a relationship, believe them.

He didn't say he didn't want a relationship just that he didn't have time... Hence why I waited thinking there would come the time when he did.

I should have mentioned that he said we were exclusive hence being gobsmacked that he was now dating someone else...

OP posts:

Tidsleytiddy · 21/04/2023 12:06

He’s a nasty user OP. As a PP said be grateful you found out sooner rather than later. I’m sure there are some very nice chaps out there. Just don’t jump in too quickly next time. X

MMmomDD · 21/04/2023 12:07

@Sproutycakes18

Counselling takes time and effort. And a good counsellor too. It can help you figure out what makes you enter in unhealthy relationships and how to avoid it.

If you don’t want to do it - you at least need to think about what you can learn from this experience.

Do you have friends that can help and support you?