An emotional abuser uses your emotional reaction as a release, is that right?

[Justwondering3]

I always looked at it like he was emotionally abusing at all times. But I’ve been thinking lately and it appears that your emotional reaction to something they have created is what they are looking for.

So they build up something within themselves then attack by making you react emotionally and it makes them feel better temporarily.

There lack of emotion means they don’t care about what they do or say to get your reaction. They only care about feeling better themselves. There is something they feel bad about themselves and they can’t fix it so need you to.

All the other stuff they do is to destroy your self esteem and escape so they can keep you so they can keep using you?

Does this sound right?

Yes OP, you have got it right. Those are typical narcissistic patterns. Have you seen any of Ross Rosenberg's youtube work? He explains it well. It's called "induced conversations ". They try to get you aroused and then play the victim when you react.
Try not to get into conversations. Use straightforward direct factual answers. Don't say "I feel bad when you keep me waiting then don't show up on time." They have no empathy for your feelings. Say, " I will wait for you till 5:00 then I will leave for the restaurant whether you arrive on time or not. " There is no room for a discussion.

Better yet, avoid these people completely if possible. They only bring trouble and madness.

Dated one for far too long…avoid!!!

Why do you need to pull apart the mentality, @Justwondering3 ? There are better things you could be doing with your time than psychoanalysing someone you've left behind, aren't there? Why is this worthwhile?

@Watchkeys because currently I want to.

There was a thread recently where people spoke about their exes getting turned on when they cried. (The men actually admitted this )

I only asked because I spent ages doing it, and it was a massive waste of my time. I wasn't attacking you, I'm sorry if it came across that way.

The basis of understanding is that you accept that you won't understand, and you don't need to, because a) you're not like that and b) you won't accept that sort of behaviour in your life again, so it's irrelevant. Like spending your time analysing why people put kittens in bin bags and throw them in the river. Answer? They're just shitty people. Understanding them better helps nobody.

I wonder what value you think it will add to your life if you suddenly 'understand' him? Again, not a challenge, just an encouragement to check in with yourself.

@Watchkeys i don’t believe it was a waste of time but a passage we must take in order to move on.

Hope it doesn't take too long to get out the other side, then. Good luck

NPD. Nasty.

The brain needs to make sense in a way it’s satisfied is enough. I guess when this satisfaction is reached for each of our individual brains then that will be the time it moves on. Currently I’m like an onion, as I heal more layers are revealing and I’m learning about my experience. I only just realised @Watchkeys that emotional abuse was the tool used and not the consequence if that makes sense. He chose to manipulate my emotions instead of it just being a coincidence and me having wrong responses which is what he made me believe and what I told myself. He has intention.

Yes, that all makes sense. And whilst you are working your way through this, he is still manipulating your emotions, still in charge of your thought processes, still taking up your time.

Yes my experience does take up some of my time @Watchkeys but currently it needs to and I choose to because I’m in control of what I want to know. He is of no significance to me but my experience is. I need to integrate it into who I am. If that makes sense.

I’m not currently sure where out the other side is. I’ve been abused my whole life so finding which parts are actually my own voice is challenging.

Makes total sense @Justwondering3

It was helpful to me to learn that love from a narcissist is the same as a child has love for a teddy. He'll hold it close, love it tenderly, and it will be the sole focus of his attention. Then, at some point, he'll chuck it in the corner of the room, and go out to play with something more interesting. Then at a later point, he'll come back in and love the teddy again, and expect no repercussions: it's his possession, it's not supposed to judge him or have emotions of its own. He simply doesn't care about the feelings of the teddy.

Some people get a kick out of making other people upset.

In a nutshell, that's it really. They do it because they like it, and it gives them power over you.

No need to analyse why they enjoy it.

That's an excellent description of how a narcissist 'loves'.

@Watchkeys yes I know how he loved me. I was just more interested in the face I understood that manipulating me was his tool and it’s how he got what he wanted. I don’t really care about why he needed it. My support worker years ago at the time I left said she doesn’t know how I didn’t have an emotional breakdown. I’ve never understood what she meant. Up until a few weeks ago I’ve been numb, not feeling much at all really. Back then I was completely switched off. I now understand that has been a protective measure. He attacked my emotions and I shut them down to keep myself safe unconsciously. Now I feel them and they feel alien to me but I’m coming to grips with the fact they are my emotions. I was right in my memories to feel the way I did back before I shut down. I need my emotions to guide me through life.

I can completely understand why the OP needs to analyse it. For some people it's part of the healing process.

@redboxer321 yes its how my particular brain works. It’s piecing my experience together which has been fractured. Bit by bit as it gets overwhelmed otherwise. I’m not someone who can just forget until they are satisfied.

I'm a bit the same. It seems like dwelling on it to some people but for me it feels necessary. Hope you can work it out so you don't have to think about it any longer in the end (that's how it feels to me anyway).

Thank you for this thread OP. I am trying to make sense of something like this. An added layer in my case was that his provoking a reaction from me was not seen the same way by other people. He did not only provoke me directly but also talked to two others behind my back at the same time, discrediting me. So I found myself feeling surrounded almost by clones of him, amplifying what he was doing, though they did not know that was what they were doing. It sounds paranoid, but I think at long last, I did not care. If it's making you feel bad, that's enough to take action. When I finally exploded, it was terrible, and directed at all of them -- calling out him directly for what he was doing and the others for colluding. Now it is all over, one of the three has come down in my corner. Not him! You find out who your friends are. I still do not know what his end game was, but I have come to the conclusion that these people are skilled enough to get the end result they want. The result is that we are broken up with no hope of return, so I can only assume that is what he wanted.

Thanks@redboxer321 Ive fully researched him and done with all that now. I’m happy he’s messed up for whatever reason, I’m not interested. I’m just figuring out me now and what happened. For example why I didn’t think the way I felt was important, how did I get so numb. What effect he had on me. I stopped having empathy, I couldn’t see my children. As it’s come back I’m trying to accept what the effect of abuse had on me without feeling shame. I was unable for a while to meet the emotional needs of my eldest because I was shut down. I feel terrible for that but I can only move forward with forgiveness to myself. In forgiveness to myself I feel again for others, I’m not so angry. I’m not sure if that makes sense at all.

Unpicking why my narcissistic ex treated me the way he did has been the most important part of me moving on. We share dc so knowing how to deal with him and understanding how his mind works is essential to be able to keep him at arms length and not get sucked back into the chaos.

My ex comes across as confident, humble, free spirited, happy go lucky, and down to earth. In reality, he's angry, jealous, bitter, spiteful, and miserable. He desperately wants to be the first guy, but doesn't know how and cannot stand anyone that is actually happy and content with their lives. He'll get close to you, then gradually break you down. A comment here, a criticism there, escalating to ranting monologues, blaming, gas lighting and intimidation. He's so empty and insecure inside and feels jealous of people that are not. It makes him feel better to destroy those types of people (or at least talk shit about them behind their back) and see them upset and hurting the way he is.

It all seems so obvious when you break free and look back. When you are in the thick of it they are clever at pushing you away, then reeling you back in, giving you a glimmer of hope, then stamping all over it. It's an absolute head fuck.

@Captainfairylights if I’ve come to learn one thing that is what they want only they know. It is of no relevance. Mine also had everyone fooled. His mum rang and begged me to take him back when I left as she worried about his mental help. My own daughter who is 7 begs me to take him back even now after many years. Everyone they have in their lives are there for a reason. It’s an organised stage of actors.

@Grimeduster we also share a daughter. I know the way he loves her is the same way he loves everyone. I have to encourage the relationship as best I can but in the background I’m teaching her to be emotionally strong and aware. She knows I will always be here for her when and if he discards her also. She will always have me but sadly she needs to experience him. I spent a long time and a lot of money at court trying to keep him away from her.