An emotional abuser uses your emotional reaction as a release, is that right?

[Justwondering3]

I always looked at it like he was emotionally abusing at all times. But I’ve been thinking lately and it appears that your emotional reaction to something they have created is what they are looking for.

So they build up something within themselves then attack by making you react emotionally and it makes them feel better temporarily.

There lack of emotion means they don’t care about what they do or say to get your reaction. They only care about feeling better themselves. There is something they feel bad about themselves and they can’t fix it so need you to.

All the other stuff they do is to destroy your self esteem and escape so they can keep you so they can keep using you?

Does this sound right?

Yes, the numbness is a real thing isn't it? I feel like I have been only half present in my life for many years, and there is something lacking in me probably forever. It was as if my reactions to him became most of my personality. I was always preoccupied, always anxious. And everything about him became supercharged. Just his name coming up on email sent a shock through me. I think there's a flaw in my personality that he slotted into. Now he is gone, all my anxiety is gone, which is wonderful. But, maybe like a drug withdrawal, I am tired, and a bit flat, and I feel overwhelmed by all the reality he was an escape from. I had a sibling who was a heroin addict. When he kicked the habit he said the worst part was all the feelings that came back, all of them that had been suppressed with the drug. It doesn't destroy them, it just moves them to one side.

@Captainfairylights I feel exactly the same. I developed chronic fatigue syndrome just after leaving him. I am hardly anxious at all though which is nice. It does feel very odd getting used to a world without the adrenaline. I guess it takes times to regulate this. I am unsure whether I will ever feel normal again, whatever that is anyway. It’s just time now for me to deal with what I have always run from unconsciously. My childhood was a narcissistic mum and a dependent dad. I have large voids which I need to come to terms with. I have come to the conclusion and I try and view it in a positive light that I was put on this earth with this crap set of cards because I am strong enough to stop this cycle for my children.

You sound like such a brave and insightful person, OP. Yes, I think certain childhood set ups make for a vulnerability to this. I had a mother who began by being just very young and traumatised by being abandoned by my father, but became cruel and alcoholic over time. Probably she was narcissistic, it's hard to tell. Anyway I was in thrall to her, until I broke it off and I have not seen her in many years. My father was absent all my life when I finally met him as an adult, he was the ultimate narcissist charismatic and completely empty, and delighting in cruelty. He is the one against whose standard I have held all the others!! He died after I had known him very painfully for a few years, and I have to say it was a relief. I don't think I could have withstood him for a whole lifetime. From your posts I can see how useful it is to spend time not just recovering, but trying to understand. I have tended to avoid thinking about it too much, afraid of what too much insight will reveal. It has made me tentative with my own child, afraid that I am a damaging person. I know myself so little and have known such extreme people, that I am afraid some of what they are may have got into me. I am terrified of hurting people, and of being hurt.

I get what @Watchkeys is saying. I put a lot of effort into trying to understand narcissistic people because I felt it would keep me safe in future. Like scanning the environment for danger. If I understand the emotional danger ‘out there’ I can avoid it.

But what actually keeps me safe is getting to know myself, being strong in my feelings and needs, and saying no to anyone who isn’t compatible with me. Like putting an emotional shield on - it doesn’t matter who you meet because you’re protected.

I don’t think narcissistic people on the whole have a conscious or malicious plan or strategy. They’re just living their lives in a way that got them attention or kept them as safe as possible childhood without realising what they’re doing and the impact it has on others. (Not talking about diagnosable NPD or psychopathy etc - but the average emotionally abusive man you hear about on MN).

It does feel very odd getting used to a world without the adrenaline. I guess it takes times to regulate this.

Yep. I slept (napped and went to bed early) for years early recovering from abusive relationships. I don’t need to do that anymore. I think you will stabilise with time and rest.

@Heroicallyfound I understand what you are saying but I find it hard to believe they aren’t aware and don’t have a plan. When their partner is broken and crying and they do the same thing and bring up the same things again and again knowing the outcome on the other person their must be a plan. They may not be aware of the long term consequences but they understand that what they are about to do will inflict pain on the other person as it worked precious and it is the intended outcome.

I understand what you are saying but I find it hard to believe they aren’t aware and don’t have a plan

You will never know, @Justwondering3

As @Heroicallyfound says, the learning to do is about yourself. What signs did you miss, what did you overlook and forgive, what stopped you leaving? Those are the things that will protect you. Trying to work out their inner workings is like trying to work out what kind of match lit the fire that burned your house down. It's really hard, you'll never know if you're right, and it's pointless information.

The intended outcome isn’t about you. It’s about them getting their needs met.

Can I ask, Justwondering, what has happened to this person? Did they keep trying to reel you in and you had to put a stop to it? or did they discard you finally? In my case, I think he felt he was losing control of the situation, and that I was probably going to leave, and he engineered a pre-emptive strike. He provoked me in all the ways he knew, as I described earlier, so that I exploded, appeared thoroughly crazy and then he could be the sane one who could no longer deal with me. Which is true in its way! He got out of it, whilst being in control. Rather than me simply leaving as I might have done some time later.

@Heroicallyfound yes I know it’s about getting their needs met. The things they say to get these needs met are not random. They use arguments that have worked in the past. They have an intention as they tailor what they say. Mine always repeated the same argument from a decade back as he knew it worked. It was my vulnerability mirrored back.

@Captainfairylights in the end I think he knew he’d lost control of me and very nearly lost control of himself more then he wanted. He pushed me out of the house and told me that he’d do something we both regretted if I didn’t go. He tried to Hoover me back in with promises to change, therapy, suicide etc. He had got to obvious in his hatred of me for me to realise I never wanted back. At that point though I thought it was my fault that he treated me that way because I was damaged. I worded it that I had to leave so he could meet someone better who didn’t bring out the worst in him. He emptied bank accounts and subscribed to online dating quicker then a flash. Within a year moved in and the lady was pregnant.
I was so numb at the end all I could do was grey rock him. He messaged and left emails calling me all sorts of things. The last voicemail was him telling me he would make sure our daughter knew the truth about me. He is living up to that but he is meeting me at the old version of me. Not the stronger one I am now. What once hurt me does not anymore.

@Captainfairylights It’s so good you got out. No matter how it happened it did because you were not controllable so he lost. The big drama doesn’t matter, let him have that as now you are free of him. Those who side with him sod them also. All that matters is your own truth. That’s why researching I feel helps you to own your truth and see how being away from them is the best thing ever. Not everyone gets to be free of them.

The things they say to get these needs met are not random. They use arguments that have worked in the past. They have an intention as they tailor what they say. Mine always repeated the same argument from a decade back as he knew it worked. It was my vulnerability mirrored back.

That’s not vulnerability - it was your ability to be manipulated. He’s manipulated you to get his needs met, because he learned that worked (and in all likelihood he did that with you because his parents didn’t have good emotional boundaries and allowed him to manipulate them in childhood). His driver is getting his needs met, not harming you. Now you can’t be manipulated because you’ve listened to your feelings that were telling you this was off, and you know better. So do you see how you’ve put on your shield and there’s no need to delve into his motives, because now you know it’s about him, not about you? It’s narcissistic to think he has/had motives centred around hurting you.

Yes @Heroicallyfound I do understand. I was very vulnerable though and things happened that put me in an incredibly vulnerable position early on. They made me easy to manipulate. Those things still hurt if I think about them, but I don’t have contact so he can’t use them directly. He did tell our daughter the first time he got her unsupervised and she came back and said it to me and yes it hurt. But I’m only human I suppose.

Thank you for your thread.

Thank you for this. It really helps to hear you say this.