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Original poster

Is it reasonable to holiday with friends and not your partner?

41 replies

Livelifelaughter · 20/04/2023 09:43

So for context. In my 50s and so was my now ex. I want to learn from the relationship breakdown and what could have worked better.
One aspect I found challenging was his very close friendship with a man 25 years older, gay and who was a priest at his university and he met when he was 20. In our 10 month relationship I never met this person as he lived in Paris, but he would invite my boyfriend over frequently sometimes they would meet just for dinner sometimes for the weekend, I would say every 5 weeks on average. He didn't come to London and my boyfriend explained that I would have met him if he had.
Also my boyfriend would go a weekend break 3 times a year with this person, and a relative of the person and wife; I felt as it was a trip with a couple I should have been invited but later just thought to leave them to it.
Towards the end of our relationship my ex mentioned that he and this were going on holiday to Thailand for 2 weeks later in the year. My boyfriend had taken me on two lovely weekend breaks and had joined me on a weekend that I planned. But he hadn't discussed a holiday at all. I was NOT objecting to his trip to Thailand but I said I felt he should have discussed it with me and not dropped into conversation.
He said when discussing our break up that he felt we had moved to fast and the relationship was too serious and felt like marriage at times (we didn't live togethe, saw each other 2/3 nights a week, but spoke every day); he said if we were married it would not have been right for him to go away with his friend but it was ok because we were dating - I agree he shouldn't need to ask "permission" but I explained it was more to do with him spending so much time with someone who I did not know at all when he didn't really make plans for us and I felt he should have discussed the idea with me.

I want to learn from the break up so would like to know if I was too demanding?

By the way this wasn't the reason we broke up...

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 20/04/2023 09:45

completely reasonable to go away with friends

very suspicious to choose Thailand

samestyle · 20/04/2023 09:50

I'd say it can be normal to holiday with friends without your partner however when they holiday with a gay priest in Thailand, it would certainly spark some sensors off, also him saying if you were married he wouldn't do it, which is questionable, if so innocent why would he say that.

You're not demanding, he's bi-sexual and wants no commitments.

mindutopia · 20/04/2023 09:51

It's absolutely fine to go on holiday with friends (and also your partner, separately). Dh goes away with friends probably 5 times a year (like for a weekend break, not to Thailand) and I also go away a few times but usually for a bit longer. We also have a holiday as a family (young dc), but almost never as a couple (because: young dc), obviously different stage of life.

But I think you clearly know that this relationship sounds quite enmeshed for a heterosexual and a gay man in their 50s/60s. Once a year with that friend, perfectly normal. Every 5 weeks or so, plus long stints overseas in places with quite a bit of sex tourism, I assume you have also raised your eyebrows at it. The only other person I know who has done similar is an uncle of dh's who is outwardly heterosexual (married for 30+ years to a woman and several children) who is away at least a weekend a month with a younger (gay) former colleague and a couple longer European breaks a year. It's been the status quo for probably 7 years now. It's obvious to everyone that it is almost certainly not a platonic relationship (and it wouldn't have been the first time).

mindutopia · 20/04/2023 09:54

But that said, when dh and I were still dating and seeing each other 2/3 times a week, no I wouldn't have discussed my holiday plans with him unless he was coming along. I'd obviously mention I was going before I went in conversation (as would he), but we had no commitments together, no dc, no house or pets to look after, so no really a big deal. I think you're focussing on the wrong issue to avoid dealing with the really big one.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 20/04/2023 10:00

Can I just add...
I agree it's reasonable to go on holiday with a friend, but is reasonable to make plans without discussing with me ? The reason I felt put out was because my boyfriend hadn't made any plans for us to have a holiday..

The friend is in his 70s now. I certain there's nothing sexual in the relationship.

The reference to Thailand isn't true I just picked a long haul destination to preserve some anonymity in the post.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 20/04/2023 10:01

I go on holiday with friends sometimes. & Sometimes with my partner. Your ex going away without you to visit this man so regularly is definitely sus. Your boyfriend had a boyfriend so you're better off without him tbh. Being in a 3 person relationship is no fun unless you've agreed to it and are into that kind of thing.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 20/04/2023 10:03

samestyle · 20/04/2023 09:50

I'd say it can be normal to holiday with friends without your partner however when they holiday with a gay priest in Thailand, it would certainly spark some sensors off, also him saying if you were married he wouldn't do it, which is questionable, if so innocent why would he say that.

You're not demanding, he's bi-sexual and wants no commitments.

I think he just meant when you're dating it's fine just to plan trips without discussing with your girlfriend...
I had planned a long weekend with my friends but I wouldn't have planned a 2 week holiday without my boyfriend.

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 20/04/2023 10:04

How long were you together?

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 20/04/2023 10:07

mindutopia · 20/04/2023 09:54

But that said, when dh and I were still dating and seeing each other 2/3 times a week, no I wouldn't have discussed my holiday plans with him unless he was coming along. I'd obviously mention I was going before I went in conversation (as would he), but we had no commitments together, no dc, no house or pets to look after, so no really a big deal. I think you're focussing on the wrong issue to avoid dealing with the really big one.

Fair enough. I would agree when I was dating in my 30s I would do the same as you. I think I wrongly thought that when you are with a 55 year old man they would be less inclined to go on 2 week holidays with one male friend.

OP posts:
Plantgeumstoday · 20/04/2023 10:09

It’s normal to holiday with friends but not exclusively to the point your life partner never gets to go on a proper holiday with you.

This set up doesn’t sound right.

I suspect he’s having a sexual relationship with this priest so he’s bisexual.

Even at 10 months into a relationship, I’d expect there to be some sort of discussion with partner about holidays.

ShandaLear · 20/04/2023 10:09

Your ex is going on holiday to Thailand with his gay priest friend?

Your BF is in a closeted relationship with this priest.

NeatCompactSleeper · 20/04/2023 10:10

Livelifelaughter · 20/04/2023 10:00

Can I just add...
I agree it's reasonable to go on holiday with a friend, but is reasonable to make plans without discussing with me ? The reason I felt put out was because my boyfriend hadn't made any plans for us to have a holiday..

The friend is in his 70s now. I certain there's nothing sexual in the relationship.

The reference to Thailand isn't true I just picked a long haul destination to preserve some anonymity in the post.

I don't get the relevance of him being gay?

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 20/04/2023 10:12

baileys6904 · 20/04/2023 10:04

How long were you together?

8 months. It felt like an emotionally intimate relationship, so while I appreciate not long it always felt like a serious relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 20/04/2023 10:16

NeatCompactSleeper · 20/04/2023 10:10

I don't get the relevance of him being gay?

Show quote history

Maybe there isn't any? I do feel his friend treated my boyfriend as though he was not in a relationship at all of any sort. I would say the relevance of being a gay priest is that this person has never had a relationship at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 20/04/2023 10:17

Plantgeumstoday · 20/04/2023 10:09

It’s normal to holiday with friends but not exclusively to the point your life partner never gets to go on a proper holiday with you.

This set up doesn’t sound right.

I suspect he’s having a sexual relationship with this priest so he’s bisexual.

Even at 10 months into a relationship, I’d expect there to be some sort of discussion with partner about holidays.

I am pretty certain there's no sexual element to it...

OP posts:
atotalshambles · 20/04/2023 10:18

Big red flag!!! I am part of a friendship group with a gay couple. My friend's husband is very good friends with one of the couple. I can't see a situation where her husband would go on holiday without inviting the partners first (although maybe they would go if the partners didn't want to go). The fact that you never met this person and were not introduced makes me think that they had or used to have a romantic involvement. I think as you get older you have less time for BS.

OrangeBicycle · 20/04/2023 10:22

“Also my boyfriend would go a weekend break 3 times a year with this person, and a relative of the person and wife; I felt as it was a trip with a couple I should have been invited but later just thought to leave them to it.”

It sounds like this was a couples trip. Your boyfriend and the priest then the relative and their wife.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 20/04/2023 10:27

OrangeBicycle · 20/04/2023 10:22

“Also my boyfriend would go a weekend break 3 times a year with this person, and a relative of the person and wife; I felt as it was a trip with a couple I should have been invited but later just thought to leave them to it.”

It sounds like this was a couples trip. Your boyfriend and the priest then the relative and their wife.

That's what I said, that the friend was treating my ex as his plus one....but when we discussed it further it was more because my boyfriend felt it would be difficult for him to spend quality time with both of us and his friend might feel put out. Honestly, I think the friend wasn't used to a knowing my boyfriend with a partner he really cared about and had just been used to always seeing him alone...

OP posts:
EggInANest · 20/04/2023 10:30

My first thought was ‘have you seen Brokeback Mountain?’.

But in general, it depends. 10 months isn’t a very long relationship, and it’s fine to go away with friends. But it’s ODD not to have brought this up in conversation at least.

And it does sound as if he keeps Paris Friend very separate from the rest of his life.

In the end there are no set rights and wrongs. If you don’t feel comfortable about something, you don’t.

HarpendenHarpendenHarpenden · 20/04/2023 10:33

Tricky one. I've been in a similar situation where a previous partner has surprised me with the amount of holidays with friends. I wish I hadn't had a problem with it, but I have to admit it made me feel jealous and left out. He took me away a reasonable amount too, so I don't feel entirely justified in how it made me feel. But I'm glad I no longer have to deal with those feelings anymore.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 20/04/2023 10:40

EggInANest · 20/04/2023 10:30

My first thought was ‘have you seen Brokeback Mountain?’.

But in general, it depends. 10 months isn’t a very long relationship, and it’s fine to go away with friends. But it’s ODD not to have brought this up in conversation at least.

And it does sound as if he keeps Paris Friend very separate from the rest of his life.

In the end there are no set rights and wrongs. If you don’t feel comfortable about something, you don’t.

When we first started dating I had explained that I had a pre booked holiday for 2 weeks to America but if we had been dating at the time I booked it I would have still gone but for less time.
I agree there's no rights or wrongs. I think ultimately on this aspect he felt he shouldn't need to account to his girlfriend for how he spends his time with his closest friend. I felt that he should have explained to me why he wanted to needed to have such an exclusive relationship with one friend. My gut feeling is that his friend is possessive and had some incredible control over my ex. Apparently he had barely any relationship with my ex former wife of 25 years...

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 20/04/2023 10:58

HarpendenHarpendenHarpenden · 20/04/2023 10:33

Tricky one. I've been in a similar situation where a previous partner has surprised me with the amount of holidays with friends. I wish I hadn't had a problem with it, but I have to admit it made me feel jealous and left out. He took me away a reasonable amount too, so I don't feel entirely justified in how it made me feel. But I'm glad I no longer have to deal with those feelings anymore.

Agree it made me feel jealous, although to be fair he had holidays with other groups of friends and I genuinely had no problems with that at all. I had met the other friends and they went for weekend breaks.
So I would say my issue was the frequency and length of breaks including a major holiday which I would see as a major experience with someone other than me. I know I would have loved and been so excited to plan a big trip. I was jealous he chose to do that with this one person. A week on a beach and I would not have cared.

OP posts:
HarpendenHarpendenHarpenden · 20/04/2023 11:04

Livelifelaughter · 20/04/2023 10:58

Agree it made me feel jealous, although to be fair he had holidays with other groups of friends and I genuinely had no problems with that at all. I had met the other friends and they went for weekend breaks.
So I would say my issue was the frequency and length of breaks including a major holiday which I would see as a major experience with someone other than me. I know I would have loved and been so excited to plan a big trip. I was jealous he chose to do that with this one person. A week on a beach and I would not have cared.

Show quote history

Yeah, I completely get that. Mine would go with more than one person, but other friends would take their partners but he wouldn't take me. So there was also an element of feeling snubbed for me.

My ex didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing. I didn't aim to make him feel guilty, but it was clear he thought his behaviour was completely reasonable. Maybe it is, but it didn't make me feel great.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 20/04/2023 11:52

HarpendenHarpendenHarpenden · 20/04/2023 11:04

Yeah, I completely get that. Mine would go with more than one person, but other friends would take their partners but he wouldn't take me. So there was also an element of feeling snubbed for me.

My ex didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing. I didn't aim to make him feel guilty, but it was clear he thought his behaviour was completely reasonable. Maybe it is, but it didn't make me feel great.

Show quote history

I agree. To be fair his other friends travelled just as a male group of friends. I honestly think my ex had a blind side to his relationship with his friend. Even if he thought it was reasonable he failed to see why others might not.
Ultimately I didn't want to be bossy and controlling but something about the situation with the friend made me feel very insecure.
I struggle with this because as between us, he was incredibly caring and made me feel safe and protected but his reluctance to plan ahead with me when he was pretty much bossed around by this friend made me really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
jojobud · 20/04/2023 14:17

i am going away abroad for 2 weeks with my friend i booked it and didn't tell my partner as he was at work until a few days later, i already have a holiday booked with him and know he wouldn't be able to get more leave so didn't see the need to discuss it with him beforehand, i am even away for his birthday, he isn't even slightly bothered other than i leave meals for him batch cooked in the freezer, i couldn't think of anything worse than having to run things past one another at our age me 40's him nearly 60, we have a great relationship purely by trusting one another and doing what we want when we want