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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ED issues… what to do

37 replies

ThisIsaNiceDress · 19/04/2023 18:56

I don’t mean how or where to seek professional help. I mean what to do to make your partner feel comfortable… or as comfortable as they can be. It’s a new relationship and we are both quite crazy about each other but there is this issue and I don’t want to try too hard so as not to create the pressure for him to ‘perform’, but on the other hand if I don’t try to extra hard chances are it won’t happen… 🤷
it’s a very delicate balance, and I’d really appreciate some opinions… also from male users on the site please!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisIsaNiceDress · 19/04/2023 19:06

Anybody here able to offer any insight please?

OP posts:
motherofkevinnotperry · 19/04/2023 19:11

Take the pressure off all together and just enjoy each other's bodies. Massage, foreplay and touching are all great ways of getting interested.

Also remember the build up needs to take days of flirting, playfulness kissing and physical touch.

You could also consider meds to really remove pressure. If it's psychological remove pressure and expectation. If it's physical seek out meds.

motherofkevinnotperry · 19/04/2023 19:12

I also think you need to ask your partner what he needs from you. We can all guess but unless he tells you for certain it's just guessing and that's not ideal.

Original poster
ThisIsaNiceDress · 19/04/2023 19:19

Yes thank you I do understand the point about asking him rather than a bunch of strangers 😂
and I did, and I will again, but in the meantime I though getting a little extra insight wouldn’t harm if anyone is willing to share what worked for them…?

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 19/04/2023 19:25

Has he tried Viagra yet? Miracle pill 🙂.

Suprima · 19/04/2023 19:27

Has he gone to see the doctor….himself, off his own back?

Suprima · 19/04/2023 19:27

Bat*

Seas164 · 19/04/2023 19:33

Contrary to popular belief, an erect penis isn't absolutely essential for an excellent sex life... ask any lesbian.

Original poster
ThisIsaNiceDress · 19/04/2023 19:45

Aaa thanks everyone but I’d really like someone to answer my question 😂 do not direct me to doctors, medications or alternative ways of achieving orgasm.. I’m asking how to behave to make things easier for him … maybe this distinction is only clear in my head, if so, my apologies!

OP posts:
motherofkevinnotperry · 19/04/2023 19:56

ThisIsaNiceDress · 19/04/2023 19:45

Aaa thanks everyone but I’d really like someone to answer my question 😂 do not direct me to doctors, medications or alternative ways of achieving orgasm.. I’m asking how to behave to make things easier for him … maybe this distinction is only clear in my head, if so, my apologies!

Only he can tell you that op.

Suprima · 19/04/2023 19:58

ThisIsaNiceDress · 19/04/2023 19:45

Aaa thanks everyone but I’d really like someone to answer my question 😂 do not direct me to doctors, medications or alternative ways of achieving orgasm.. I’m asking how to behave to make things easier for him … maybe this distinction is only clear in my head, if so, my apologies!

Why?

if he cared about having a full sex life with you, he’d be up at the doctors

but PIV is a non negotiable for me and I would have little time for a lover however amaaaaazing he was, who didn’t help himself

ChrisTrepidation · 19/04/2023 20:03

What @Suprima said.

It's not your job to fix his issues. What is he doing about it?

I'd also want to get to the bottom of what is causing his ED. Is it a physical issue? Is it nerves? Is he porn sick?

Seas164 · 19/04/2023 20:04

Behave as if you believe that an erect penis isn't absolutely essential for an excellent sex life! Make it a non issue and let him deal with it, his dick isn't really your responsibility.

Original poster
ThisIsaNiceDress · 19/04/2023 20:06

Suprima · 19/04/2023 19:58

Why?

if he cared about having a full sex life with you, he’d be up at the doctors

but PIV is a non negotiable for me and I would have little time for a lover however amaaaaazing he was, who didn’t help himself

Show quote history

Please you are fixating on your own point of view. Mine is different and I didn’t ask for it to be questioned. I asked for advice from those who can provide it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisIsaNiceDress · 19/04/2023 20:08

I’m not trying to fix anything. I’m trying to make things easy in the process of it bout rushing things or demanding instant solutions. Is that really so difficult to understand?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisIsaNiceDress · 19/04/2023 20:09

@Seas164 @motherofkevinnotperry your responses are helpful thank you xx

OP posts:
ChrisTrepidation · 19/04/2023 20:11

So is PIV sex important to you or not op?

Because your last post has just contridicted your first, in which you said there will be no preforming unless you make it happen.

I don't think anyone is having a go at you. We just don't want to see a woman twist herself in knots trying to fix an issue which is ultimately her boyfriend.

Seas164 · 19/04/2023 20:18

if I don’t try to extra hard chances are it won’t happen…

I think this might be confusing posters OP. Faced with ED, I think that trying extra hard is possibly the worst thing you can do.

IMO (and I'm not him, nor a penis owner) believe it's not an issue, and that it will resolve itself, and talk to him lightly, when you're not in bed and ask if there's anything on his mind, or going on for him and believe his answer, don't press.

It's dead normal, it happens to most men sometimes, and it's either a physical reason, such as medication he's on, or it's a between the ears reason, such as stress at work, something he's got on his mind etc.

Don't over think it, or try to come up with some extra special way of dealing with it. It's just a willy.

Original poster
ThisIsaNiceDress · 19/04/2023 20:18

@ChrisTrepidation yes it is but it’s not a deal breaker.
im not twisting myself in knots I’ve just asked for some advice and out of all the people on this thread only two people so far I’ve actually offered an answer to my question, and not to a question they think I should be asking 😳

OP posts:
Mahanii · 19/04/2023 20:26

I have some experience in this and the outcome was good. I basically ignored the problem, made it clear how much I wanted him, told him it didn't matter when it happened (because he was extremely keen to please in other ways) and kept things light hearted and playful. It helped that we couldn't keep our hands off each other and after a few months he started to feel comfortable and it resolved itself.

Obviously none of this may help but at least I've answered your question 😅

Bluebells1970 · 19/04/2023 20:29

Remove all pressure and expectations, and be lead by what he's comfortable with. Gentle conversation about what works for both of you? And not making an issue out of it.

I always roll my eyes at the Viagra comments because a lot of men can't take medications due to them interacting with existing medication. It's not the holy grail of sex for all men and yet it's the 1st thing that everyone suggests.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 19/04/2023 20:38

Can I ask how old you both are? I think depending on age, it may not just be physical thing but maybe psychological.

Have either of you approached sex therapy or even talk therapy to try and help?

ChrisTrepidation · 19/04/2023 21:29

@OneMoreCookieMonster If you're having to suggest therapy of any sort for a new relationship then that relationship is doomed.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/04/2023 21:31

The problem is that asking strangers how you should best approach it with him assumes that all men with ED would like to be approached the same way. But it's not one-size-fits-all and what might be best for one man might send yours down a rabbithole of embarrassment!

In general terms I'd say
Adjust your thinking to make sure you're not holding a belief that his erection, or lack of, is anything to do with you. The last thing you want is to be feeling like his penis is finding you not sexy enough when the problem lies solely in his body and/or mind.
Take any expectation of PIV off the table and concentrate on oral and fingering. If PIV happens it's a nice bonus.
Have condoms easily at hand so if he does get hard enough to fuck, you can whack one on quickly and get into it before he has a chance to get in his own head and fail.
If you start PIV and then he loses it, don't wait for his penis to fall out of you with a sad squelch, say "shall we finish with oral/whatever" and just be really matter of fact.

When it comes to what might help him get and stay hard, he's going to have to tell you - and maybe it's something you can both find out together! Dirty talk might really help, or you both might find it total cringe. Likewise roleplay or some mild dom/sub stuff. As long as you approach it as a fun experiment and not an embarassing, awkward chore, it could be really great to bring you closer together. Good luck!

Original poster
ThisIsaNiceDress · 19/04/2023 21:33

@Mahanii yes you did, thank you very much I appreciate it and happy to know that things worked out for you!

OP posts:
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