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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My parents are permanently offended by me

33 replies

TheDisappointmentDC · 19/04/2023 13:13

My parents divorced when I was a teenager. I chose to live 50/50 across both homes until my mum moved to Australia when I was 15 and I stayed in the UK with my dad. My sibling chose a different arrangement, went to Australia with my mum but then flew home 6 months in and lived with dad and I until I went to University.

Things that have offended my parents recently:

  • I don’t like driving and don’t own a car, I drive if I have to but am perfectly happy to get public transport to wherever I need to be – I won’t let either of them buy me a car as I just don’t want one – they tell me I need to build my confidence up and force myself to drive otherwise I’ll never want to do it – that’s the point I don’t want to do it and don’t expect anyone else to help me out with my choice hence getting buses or trains or taxis whenever I need to
  • I passed my driving test first time despite the above – both my parents took 3 attempts and my sibling took over 10 times to pass which I know offends them
  • I’ve never driven long distance either, my journeys when I do drive are 15-30 minutes max – dad insists I need to drive further and if offended when I say no
  • I let DC choose to go to Ex-MILs house on Easter Sunday apparently, I should of put my foot down and forced DC to stay home
  • On the above I let Ex-MIL see DC outside of ExHs contact and apparently that’s unnecessary
  • I also admit I still quite like Ex-MIL as a person which seems to offend both my parents
  • I don’t talk to my sibling as often as they want me to – we speak 2-3 times a month via phone and text maybe twice a week, we’re both happy with it
  • Mum moved back to the UK during my pregnancy but I refuse to go on holiday with her with DC to Australia because it’s not somewhere I want to go
  • On the above I didn’t visit her while she was in Australia despite my dad asking me if I wanted to go repeatedly
  • I don’t ask them to babysit, ever – I don’t need a babysitter ever, I arrange my social life for when DC is with ExH or at school/activities
  • I want to work and have said even if I came into a lot of money I’d still work – apparently, they never wanted to work and would have retired – personal choice but I love working
  • I have more money than they did at my age (I don’t know how they know this because I never discuss finances with them)
  • I don’t want any more children, apparently, I’m not only depriving my DC of a sibling but also depriving them of more grandchildren as my sibling has none
  • I don’t hold the same political views as them (again not sure how they know this I don’t discuss politics with anyone not even my best friend)
  • I don’t want to join in their hobbies and interests – I take an interest when they talk about stuff but I have my own hobbies and interests so no need to join theirs – I have plenty of friends

All their reasons are ridiculous but they’re permanently offended, I open my mouth to speak about anything and they let out a big disappointed sigh like I’ve let them down. They patronise me in front of DC telling me I’m wrong and not allowed an opinion on something.

Honestly feels like I’m a disappointment in all aspects of my life. They weren’t even proud when I got a big promotion at work.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 19/04/2023 13:16

They are nasty and unpleasant OP.

Reduce your and most definitely your DC's contact with them.

Aylestone · 19/04/2023 13:21

Have you ever tried pointing out what they are doing op? It doesn’t sound like they bring anything positive to your life. I’d be worried about them poisoning your dc with their constant put downs, and having them think you’re not good enough. I’d try talking to them about it, and have a few responses ready for when they start huffing and puffing at you. Even ‘STOP CRITICISING ME’!! should draw attention to what they’re doing. If they carry on then I’d be questioning whether I even wanted them in my life.

Original poster
TheDisappointmentDC · 19/04/2023 13:31

Aylestone · 19/04/2023 13:21

Have you ever tried pointing out what they are doing op? It doesn’t sound like they bring anything positive to your life. I’d be worried about them poisoning your dc with their constant put downs, and having them think you’re not good enough. I’d try talking to them about it, and have a few responses ready for when they start huffing and puffing at you. Even ‘STOP CRITICISING ME’!! should draw attention to what they’re doing. If they carry on then I’d be questioning whether I even wanted them in my life.

@Aylestone If I point it out they tell me I'm wrong, mum will say things like "How can you know you don't like Australia when you've never been?" I didn't say I didn't like it, I said I didn't want to go, there's a difference but apparently saying I don't want to do something is saying I don't like it.

Same with the driving, when I say to dad "I don't like driving" he tells me I've hardly done it so how can I know.

OP posts:
Isheabastard · 19/04/2023 14:08

It’s not that they’re offended, more like they don’t like you having your own boundaries, it’s more controlling than offended.

Good parenting allows the child to become their own person, with their own likes and dislikes. They are forgetting you are an adult and treating you like you are still living under their wing.

Perhaps you can find a phrase or saying to repeat back to them that reminds them you are an adult, and old enough to know your own mind, and it’s not about wether you’d like Australia or not.

Beelips · 19/04/2023 15:44

It sounds like your parents are very damaging/harmful to you and chances are this is how they parented you when you were a child. Controlling and invalidating. It’s likely this would have negatively affected your development, and one of the many outcomes of such childhood emotional neglect may be struggling to set healthy boundaries with them now in adulthood.
Based on the little info you’ve shared, chances are your parents won’t react well/won’t be open to you communicating to them how their actions have/are still affecting you. And so you may be left with focusing on protecting yourself now as an adult from further harm from them, eg reducing contact with them, learning assertive boundary setting etc.

Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 15:59

It doesn't matter what they think. If you don't like the way they speak to you, tell them. If you've tried that and it didn't help, stay away from them. And stay away from anybody else who doesn't respect you. You'll have a much happier life.

mathanxiety · 19/04/2023 16:00

Sometimes it's easy to see why some people are divorced.

I recommend you stop handing yourself to your overbearing father on a plate.

Stop talking about driving, politics, where your DC goes, etc.

Cut down contact considerably. Stick to topics like the weather if you do have contact.

Gymmum82 · 19/04/2023 16:10

So you let your ex mil babysit but not them? I can see how that would be hurtful and offensive. The rest is your choice and they are free to disagree with your choices

TempNCforthis · 19/04/2023 16:25

They seem quite united in their opinion of you - makes you wonder why they divorced!

tailinthejam · 19/04/2023 16:38

It appears that they still view you as an extension of themselves, and should therefore be the way they expect you to be. They are therefore going to be perpetually disappointed in whatever you do that doesn't coincide with their 'perfect' image of what you are supposed to be like.

They don't appear to have realised that you are an adult in your own right with your own likes and dislikes.

My mum was a bit like this, but she passed away a long time ago.

Terrribletwos · 19/04/2023 16:39

You don't have a car so where are you driving?
Why do you tell your dad where you're going?
Don't tell your parents 're everything to do with child care, why would you?
How do your parents know how much you talk to your sibling?
You don't want any more kids, that's your choice.
Really, stop discussing stuff with them!!
I thought that you are in UK and they are in Australia?

Original poster
TheDisappointmentDC · 19/04/2023 16:40

Gymmum82 · 19/04/2023 16:10

So you let your ex mil babysit but not them? I can see how that would be hurtful and offensive. The rest is your choice and they are free to disagree with your choices

@Gymmum82 No Ex-MIL does not babysit, I let her see us and spend time with us outside of ExHs contact time, and if DC chooses or asks to go to Ex-MIL/ExH I arrange it with them and DC goes. I would have hated being restricted as a child to only seeing my family on a set routine so I let DC choose. We have a set routine of course but if there's something going on or DC wants to change and it can be arranged why not?

OP posts:
blacksax · 19/04/2023 16:43

Have you ever tried saying: "I AM ABSOLUTELY SICK AND TIRED OF YOU FINDING FAULT WITH EVERY SINGLE THING I DO OR SAY. IF YOU DON'T STOP IT, THEN I WON'T COME AND SEE YOU ANY MORE, BECAUSE I HAVE HAD ENOUGH"?

Original poster
TheDisappointmentDC · 19/04/2023 16:45

Terrribletwos · 19/04/2023 16:39

You don't have a car so where are you driving?
Why do you tell your dad where you're going?
Don't tell your parents 're everything to do with child care, why would you?
How do your parents know how much you talk to your sibling?
You don't want any more kids, that's your choice.
Really, stop discussing stuff with them!!
I thought that you are in UK and they are in Australia?

@Terrribletwos Sibling tells them how often we speak.

I don't necessarily tell them but for example if I go to the office for work and they ask if I'm in the office I'll tell them and then they say "you need to get a car it'd be much easier".

I borrow a car, either my neighbours or family members (yes sometimes parents if they offer) when I or DC have appointments that can't be reached on public transport, or sometimes I work at another office for work and it's easier to drive to it rather than remember another route on trains/buses as it's literally 2 or 3 times a year. I'd say I drive maybe once a month or once every other month, but didn't drive at all in lockdown as I had no need to.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 19/04/2023 16:45

My parents had a permanent air of disapproval with me too. I found the best way to manage it was to tell them nothing. Then they couldn't pass judgement.

I'd go and see them but they didn't meet my friends, come to my house, know the details of my job or my salary (they were offended that I earned more than my dbruv 🙄)

There's no pleasing some people. Just get on with your life and take no notice of them.

Terrribletwos · 19/04/2023 16:47

Oh I see, thank you for the clarification.

mathanxiety · 19/04/2023 16:48

You're not at all unreasonable to allow DC contact with his grandmother.

I see you engaging in debate here on this thread with a poster who questioned this decision of yours.

Do you have the same pattern of trying to justify yourself when your dad criticises you? Think about this.

If you do have the habit of trying g to explain and justify, you need to stop immediately. You need to practice shrugging and saying nothing'.

Most of all, you need to stop sharing details of your life with your father. If he asks, ask him why he wants to know. Refuse to answer. If you're volunteering the information, lose this habit. Ask yourself why you have been doing this when you know so well how it will end.

LexMitior · 19/04/2023 16:49

It's jealousy masquerading as concern. They are worried that if you don't match their choices, you are criticising them.

Your mother sounds very thin skinned about her own choices. I'd view it like that and engage less.

Chocchops72 · 19/04/2023 16:52

TheDisappointmentDC · 19/04/2023 16:45

@Terrribletwos Sibling tells them how often we speak.

I don't necessarily tell them but for example if I go to the office for work and they ask if I'm in the office I'll tell them and then they say "you need to get a car it'd be much easier".

I borrow a car, either my neighbours or family members (yes sometimes parents if they offer) when I or DC have appointments that can't be reached on public transport, or sometimes I work at another office for work and it's easier to drive to it rather than remember another route on trains/buses as it's literally 2 or 3 times a year. I'd say I drive maybe once a month or once every other month, but didn't drive at all in lockdown as I had no need to.

Show quote history

Why are you explaining anything to them (or to us)?

…and then they say "you need to get a car it'd be much easier".

And you say ‘Probably’. And shrug. You don’t need to justify anything to them.

mathanxiety · 19/04/2023 16:52

Next time they ask if you're in the office, ask them why they want to know. Keep on prodding them amd don't be deflected.

Don't answer yes or no, meekly.

You're a grownup! They are too! They don't need to know where you are, and you don't need to tell them.

ChaToilLeam · 19/04/2023 16:56

They see you as an extension of themselves. Every different choice is perceived as a criticism. My mum does this a lot and is then huffy because my sister and I don’t tell her everything.

Gymmum82 · 19/04/2023 17:15

TheDisappointmentDC · 19/04/2023 16:40

@Gymmum82 No Ex-MIL does not babysit, I let her see us and spend time with us outside of ExHs contact time, and if DC chooses or asks to go to Ex-MIL/ExH I arrange it with them and DC goes. I would have hated being restricted as a child to only seeing my family on a set routine so I let DC choose. We have a set routine of course but if there's something going on or DC wants to change and it can be arranged why not?

Show quote history

But you said you sent your DC there on Easter Saturday. Presumably that meant alone. Do your parents have your DC alone? I would class that as ‘babysitting’ regardless of if the child asked or not. I would be hurt if my daughter felt MIL could babysit my grandchild but I couldn’t. Regardless of whether you see it as babysitting. Having the kid for the day is babysitting

Giggorata · 19/04/2023 17:18

As a lifelong disappointment to my parents, I empathise with this.
The way I dealt with it was by not dealing with really, I just closed down more and more of my real self and became this bland generic daughter person when I was around them.
It was the easier option because nothing would ever have convinced them that anything they thought or believed could possibly have an alternative viewpoint.
It meant that we could interact to a degree, talk about the grandchildren, the garden, etc.

It was a sort of Beige Rock treatment, rather than Grey Rock, really.

Original poster
TheDisappointmentDC · 19/04/2023 17:27

Gymmum82 · 19/04/2023 17:15

But you said you sent your DC there on Easter Saturday. Presumably that meant alone. Do your parents have your DC alone? I would class that as ‘babysitting’ regardless of if the child asked or not. I would be hurt if my daughter felt MIL could babysit my grandchild but I couldn’t. Regardless of whether you see it as babysitting. Having the kid for the day is babysitting

Show quote history

@Gymmum82 Yes DC went alone, I went to my grandparents on my mum side, but I didn't see it as babysitting, I didn't ask Ex-MIL to have DC so I could go out, DC asked to go.

OP posts:
ily0x1 · 19/04/2023 17:35

My Dad is exactly like your parents, overbearing and controlling, I haven’t seen him in four years because of it.