My parents are permanently offended by me

[TheDisappointmentDC]

My parents divorced when I was a teenager. I chose to live 50/50 across both homes until my mum moved to Australia when I was 15 and I stayed in the UK with my dad. My sibling chose a different arrangement, went to Australia with my mum but then flew home 6 months in and lived with dad and I until I went to University.

Things that have offended my parents recently:

• I don’t like driving and don’t own a car, I drive if I have to but am perfectly happy to get public transport to wherever I need to be – I won’t let either of them buy me a car as I just don’t want one – they tell me I need to build my confidence up and force myself to drive otherwise I’ll never want to do it – that’s the point I don’t want to do it and don’t expect anyone else to help me out with my choice hence getting buses or trains or taxis whenever I need to
• I passed my driving test first time despite the above – both my parents took 3 attempts and my sibling took over 10 times to pass which I know offends them
• I’ve never driven long distance either, my journeys when I do drive are 15-30 minutes max – dad insists I need to drive further and if offended when I say no
• I let DC choose to go to Ex-MILs house on Easter Sunday apparently, I should of put my foot down and forced DC to stay home
• On the above I let Ex-MIL see DC outside of ExHs contact and apparently that’s unnecessary
• I also admit I still quite like Ex-MIL as a person which seems to offend both my parents
• I don’t talk to my sibling as often as they want me to – we speak 2-3 times a month via phone and text maybe twice a week, we’re both happy with it
• Mum moved back to the UK during my pregnancy but I refuse to go on holiday with her with DC to Australia because it’s not somewhere I want to go
• On the above I didn’t visit her while she was in Australia despite my dad asking me if I wanted to go repeatedly
• I don’t ask them to babysit, ever – I don’t need a babysitter ever, I arrange my social life for when DC is with ExH or at school/activities
• I want to work and have said even if I came into a lot of money I’d still work – apparently, they never wanted to work and would have retired – personal choice but I love working
• I have more money than they did at my age (I don’t know how they know this because I never discuss finances with them)
• I don’t want any more children, apparently, I’m not only depriving my DC of a sibling but also depriving them of more grandchildren as my sibling has none
• I don’t hold the same political views as them (again not sure how they know this I don’t discuss politics with anyone not even my best friend)
• I don’t want to join in their hobbies and interests – I take an interest when they talk about stuff but I have my own hobbies and interests so no need to join theirs – I have plenty of friends

All their reasons are ridiculous but they’re permanently offended, I open my mouth to speak about anything and they let out a big disappointed sigh like I’ve let them down. They patronise me in front of DC telling me I’m wrong and not allowed an opinion on something.

Honestly feels like I’m a disappointment in all aspects of my life. They weren’t even proud when I got a big promotion at work.

My mum can be quite like that. I think it's from her low self esteem (took me years to realise as she comes across as quite bolshy and bossy). But I think she actually sees it as a rejection that I've chosen to live my life differently to her. The disappointed sighing sounds very familiar! I wish she would just accept that we are different, we can both be happy and try to enjoy each others company when we meet up, rather than all the nit-picking and cat's bum mouth expressions.

My mother only accepts decisions if they are the same as she would have made. They very often aren't. Now I just say " Yes mum but I am not you and my life is not your life" Then I do exactly what I had planned to do. Repeat until the message is received. She has stopped pointing out that I am wrong recently. I dare say she is still appalled but I find that I no longer give a fuck.

@TheDisappointmentDC Look up JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain), and then see whether you can train yourself to stop doing it.

OP I don't think you understand fully what the word 'offend' or 'offended' means. It doesn't mean what you think it does

Stop explaining and justifying.

If this is how you get sacked into conversations with your father, then you are handing yourself to him on a plate.

You are not owning your decision to let DC go to his grandmother's home at Easter. Your father can smell weakness.

Adults don't have to do things if they don't feel like it. You don't want to go to Australia and that's a whole argument, it's freaking FAR AWAY. Anyone who has ever travelled by plane can gauge how awful flight to Australia would be.

You don't need to try to climb Mount Everest to know you don't want to do it based on experience of going up a hill in winter.

I'd suggest mot engaging - when they start again, just cut the conversation short. Say you don't feel like doing something or talking about it again. Worst case scenario they stay offended quietly ;)

Personally, I reckon you ought to provide them with a real reason to be offended. I'd go NC for maximum offense... 😎

My sympathies Op. Ignore the rude comments and go forth making your own choices with confidence

Reminds me of this little gem