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Original poster

Ex. husband and adult children

38 replies

Meg321 · 18/04/2023 19:33

Any advice on keeping ex. husband away without causing problems with adult son and adult daughter.
We divorced 22 years ago and I've enjoyed a separate life away from him except for the odd times for the children, birthdays etc.
His live in girlfriend left him about 10 monthes ago and he seems to think he can keep coming around to my home.
Since my daughter moved to Scotland 3 years ago I've visited on my own or with my son several times.
My ex. visited her with our son for first time after his girlfriend left.
He now wants to visit her all together.
Although I said I want to visit on my own due to the fact I'm not too healthy, so will want to do different things, he is still is insisting.
Browbeating is one of his things.
I just don't want to get entwined with him. Fed up of him telling me what to do, belittling me, coming to me with his problems he's caused.
I feel sorry for him and I don't want to cause any upset with the children.

OP posts:
AgrathaChristie · 18/04/2023 19:47

Could you meet him in a neutral place — cafe probably- and just tell him you’ve been divorced living completely separate lives for 22 years and you want to keep it that way. Don’t elaborate or give explanations, just tell him the bare facts and wait for his reply. Then repeat what you said.
If you don’t want to meet you could write to him.
if your son and daughter have accepted their divorced parents for 22 years, they’re hardly likely to expect to see you together now.

OliveToboogie · 18/04/2023 19:48

Tell him NO. He is is not your problem anymore. You are divorced tell him go tell someone who gives a shit. Don't let him manipulate you. Cheeky sod.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 18/04/2023 20:57

“Sorry, what? We got divorced 22 years ago, for very good reasons. Go away.”

5128gap · 18/04/2023 21:27

Do you feel so sorry for him that you want him to be happier at the expense of your peace of mind? You can feel sympathy without needing to solve the other person's problems, especially when it adds to your own. He is not all alone in the world, he has his children, he doesn't have to have you too against your wishes. He's just floundering around to fill the gap left by his GF. Using you essentially.
Keep your distance, guard your boundaries and tell him that you don't want to visit together.

Snoopyandthemuppets · 18/04/2023 21:27

Peapodburgundybouquet · 18/04/2023 20:57

“Sorry, what? We got divorced 22 years ago, for very good reasons. Go away.”

This

AmandaHoldensLips · 18/04/2023 21:37

"Your life is absolutely none of my concern. Stop contacting me. Stay away from my home."

Bayleaf25 · 18/04/2023 21:40

Peapodburgundybouquet · 18/04/2023 20:57

“Sorry, what? We got divorced 22 years ago, for very good reasons. Go away.”

Definitely this. Don’t even tell him when you’re going.

clpsmum · 18/04/2023 22:52

Peapodburgundybouquet · 18/04/2023 20:57

“Sorry, what? We got divorced 22 years ago, for very good reasons. Go away.”

This

LadyEloise1 · 18/04/2023 23:41

As @AgrathaChristie says "... Tell him you've been divorced years living completely separate lives for 22 years and you want to keep it that way. Don't elaborate or give explanations........."

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2023 23:47

he is still is insisting

Op. Come on now. He cannot insist upon ANYTHING.

Tell him to fuck off and to attend to his own affairs. You will NOT be travelling with him and that's the last you'll speak of it.

Roundandnour · 18/04/2023 23:51

When you’ve laughed in his face and told him to do one, block him.

I wouldn’t waste my time or energy meeting this person as suggested.

I wouldn’t feel sorry for him either. He’s not your problem

BellaBlossoms · 18/04/2023 23:52

I feel sorry for him and I don't want to cause any upset with the children..

You divorced him 22 years ago! 22 YEARS! Stop feeling sorry for him, live your life and tell him NO! Stop allowing him to manipulate you for goodness sake.

Roundandnour · 18/04/2023 23:55

Oh and when he comes to your home tell him he’s not welcome. If you don’t feel safe opening up the door, tell him from a window. Tell him he’s trespassing and if he doesn’t buggar off you will be getting legal advice about him harassing you.

The adult dc’s can do as they wish when it comes to having contact with him. Just let them know you aren’t getting involved.

ShippingNews · 19/04/2023 00:02

He just wants to pull you in because his girlfriend is out of the picture. Stop engaging with him ! I'm sure the kids will be fine about it, they are obviously adults and will understand.

ComputerWifeKaren · 19/04/2023 00:17

Block all contact with him. Why haven't you done this already? You're not beholden to him after your divorce and your kids are adults. Stand up for yourself! Their relationships with him are entirely separate. You have no need to have anything to do with this man and haven't for a bloody long time.

Original poster
Meg321 · 19/04/2023 11:36

Thank you all for your response. It's good to hear and have some agreement on how I feel.
I may not be as direct as some comments but will tell him politly to go away.
I know he won't go without trying his best to aggravate me. He will use the children to get at me. I'm not worried about my daughter as she understands well. My son is a bit different as he is more likely to believe what his dad may say.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 19/04/2023 11:52

What's his dad dad going to say realistically? My ex wife is being mean to me?

Son your dad and I are divorced and just because his girlfriend has dumped him it doesn't make him my problem I'm not his mum

pikkumyy77 · 19/04/2023 12:03

Right:I agree with Cat above me. If the concern is that he poisons the relationship with your son then that is where the work lies and that is where you put your focus.

Be honest with your son and be direct. It is important that your son learn that when a woman leaves a man she can not be forced, or extorted, or shamed, or badgered into taking care of him. Your ex is abusing you and ignoring your autonomy. Your son needs to learn that no means no.

sonjadog · 19/04/2023 12:06

What is he going to say that would upset them so much? You divorced for a reason a long time ago. You don’t have to do things with people you aren’t married to. I am sure your adult children can cope with that idea.

Duckingella · 19/04/2023 12:26

You've been divorced for 22 years and your kids are adults and capable of having an independent relationship with him.

Tell him to leave you alone then block him across every platform.

forrestgreen · 19/04/2023 12:32

I sent mine a text after I kept getting bum dials ....

'This text isn't sent in anger but as we've been divorced for years and our children are capable of organising their own time with you, I'll be blocking your number / not replying any more on this number. Wishing you all the best'

And block. Why give him your headspace?

JassyRadlett · 19/04/2023 12:45

I 100% agree on no explanations.

You: 'That won't work for me. Enjoy your trip.'
Him 'No, it will be good for x y z. You need to tell me why it won't work!'
You: 'No, it won't work for me.'
Him: 'Why not?'
You: 'Because it doesn't work for me.'
Him: 'But why? You need to give me reasons.'
You: 'The reasons aren't relevant. It doesn't work for me.'

If your son is an adult can you be quite open with him? 'I know your dad really wants us to visit Scotland together. But we've been divorced a long time and my family unit is you and your sister and I want to prioritise that when we visit. I know that this isn't what he wants to hear, but it's important to me to set these boundaries.'

DPotter · 19/04/2023 12:50

Meg321
I may not be as direct as some comments but will tell him politly to go away

Please don't worry about being polite. IME there are a breed of men who interpret women being polite as foreplay to saying yes. And I'm getting the vibe that your Ex falls into this category. Don't be polite - be forthright.
for example

Stop contacting me, rather than please stop contacting me

And head him off at the pass with regard to your children - get your explanation in first; kids your father keeps contacting me about us all meeting up. I feel very uncomfortable about this and have told him to stop contacting me. I'm asking you to respect my decision.

Mrsjayy · 19/04/2023 12:57

It isn't your problem he's lonely and wants you around to make him feel "wanted and cared he is missing female company his ego is dented. Tell him to get lost or do you like having him around?

crazylady121 · 19/04/2023 13:07

My kidz were upset after 20 years divorced that I told them I didn't want my ex husband having my new number.I told them straight,he's your Dad but I divorced him for good reason,I don't need or want to be his friend.If we have to socialise any time I'm just amicable for families sake and that's it.

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