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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex. husband and adult children

38 replies

Meg321 · 18/04/2023 19:33

Any advice on keeping ex. husband away without causing problems with adult son and adult daughter.
We divorced 22 years ago and I've enjoyed a separate life away from him except for the odd times for the children, birthdays etc.
His live in girlfriend left him about 10 monthes ago and he seems to think he can keep coming around to my home.
Since my daughter moved to Scotland 3 years ago I've visited on my own or with my son several times.
My ex. visited her with our son for first time after his girlfriend left.
He now wants to visit her all together.
Although I said I want to visit on my own due to the fact I'm not too healthy, so will want to do different things, he is still is insisting.
Browbeating is one of his things.
I just don't want to get entwined with him. Fed up of him telling me what to do, belittling me, coming to me with his problems he's caused.
I feel sorry for him and I don't want to cause any upset with the children.

OP posts:

maddy68 · 19/04/2023 14:17

Your children are adults. They make their arrangements to see their dad. Nothing to do with you

Original poster

Meg321 · 19/04/2023 15:40

JassyRadlett · 19/04/2023 12:45

I 100% agree on no explanations.

You: 'That won't work for me. Enjoy your trip.'
Him 'No, it will be good for x y z. You need to tell me why it won't work!'
You: 'No, it won't work for me.'
Him: 'Why not?'
You: 'Because it doesn't work for me.'
Him: 'But why? You need to give me reasons.'
You: 'The reasons aren't relevant. It doesn't work for me.'

If your son is an adult can you be quite open with him? 'I know your dad really wants us to visit Scotland together. But we've been divorced a long time and my family unit is you and your sister and I want to prioritise that when we visit. I know that this isn't what he wants to hear, but it's important to me to set these boundaries.'

I love all these responses thank you. Certainly helping me to put my head together.
JassyRadlett, thanks for a great example of giving no reasons

OP posts:

OneMoreSecondChance · 19/04/2023 15:47

“No - I’m not interested in doing that, I make my own arrangements that I’m happy with”

Rinse & repeat. Annoying arse.

Original poster

Meg321 · 19/04/2023 15:56

pikkumyy77 · 19/04/2023 12:03

Right:I agree with Cat above me. If the concern is that he poisons the relationship with your son then that is where the work lies and that is where you put your focus.

Be honest with your son and be direct. It is important that your son learn that when a woman leaves a man she can not be forced, or extorted, or shamed, or badgered into taking care of him. Your ex is abusing you and ignoring your autonomy. Your son needs to learn that no means no.

Pikkumy77, thank you. I was getting myself in a bit of a tis. Glad I posted as it's been a great help to see things clearly with some sound advice.

OP posts:

Pinkfloyd69 · 19/02/2024 23:20

Can anyone advise please
I am at my witts end, I really am
Married to my husband for 6yrs together 11yrs,
So a year ago my husband has now paid his morgage in full after i think a 25yr morgage
Which he once shared with his ex girlfriend...
She still lives in the home which is in both there names with there 3 adult children ages
25, 22,19,
Up until recently when questioned about the home
He said he has no plans to do anything as his children live there, we're as before we were married he discussed selling the property
I get that he's thinking of them
But there adults, but to think that his ex girlfriend is also living there
Hes also supporting her and looking out for her surely... bearing in mind her boyfriend has also lived with her for 2yrs, and the boyfriends son,
I'm just finding it extremely difficult to carry on in this situation
As in 11yrs together we have never had a holiday married for 6yrs & no honeymoon
Because all he says is with what we can't afford it, I'm now finding this difficult to except
And I know there will be no communication from him about this to brush it under the carpet,
Is this normal as I feel as though he is also protecting his ex girlfriend
Or should I be thinking about asking him to leave my home I feel hurt & cheated
Thankyou for reading xx

Meg165 · 20/02/2024 10:38

Hi Pink floyed69
Only you can make the decision to stay and accept that he will prioritise his children or end things by asking him to leave your home.
The fact that you're thinking about it indicates the situation is difficult for you.
Before I divorced I visited Relate which helped me to untangle my thoughts; I would recommend that.

Pinkfloyd69 · 20/02/2024 11:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Fraaahnces · 20/02/2024 11:42

“Look, I’m happy you have a positive relationship with our kids (🤮) but I want to spend some quality time with them on my own too. Let me know your plans and I will work around them.”

Nanny0gg · 20/02/2024 17:38

Meg321 · 19/04/2023 11:36

Thank you all for your response. It's good to hear and have some agreement on how I feel.
I may not be as direct as some comments but will tell him politly to go away.
I know he won't go without trying his best to aggravate me. He will use the children to get at me. I'm not worried about my daughter as she understands well. My son is a bit different as he is more likely to believe what his dad may say.

Why can he contact you?

Your kids are adult. They can navigate the relationship without you being involved.

Block

Nanny0gg · 20/02/2024 17:40

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Try and get this moved to your own thread (report your post)

You'll get more answers that way

Andthereyougo · 20/02/2024 17:54

@Pinkfloyd69 better for you to start your own thread as the original is an old ( hopefully resolved) one.
You’ll get lots of helpful advice that way.

ChicDreamer · 02/05/2024 19:03

5128gap · 18/04/2023 21:27

Do you feel so sorry for him that you want him to be happier at the expense of your peace of mind? You can feel sympathy without needing to solve the other person's problems, especially when it adds to your own. He is not all alone in the world, he has his children, he doesn't have to have you too against your wishes. He's just floundering around to fill the gap left by his GF. Using you essentially.
Keep your distance, guard your boundaries and tell him that you don't want to visit together.

This.

BirthdayRainbow · 02/05/2024 19:07

Only read OP.

Just say no.

I separated from h in July and my son wanted me to spend Christmas Day with my MIL, my DC, STBEH and his brother. My son said it is only one day. Do it for nanny. I said no.

You're a grown woman. He only gets to brow beat you if you let him.

Your kids will have to accept you are your own person and there comes a point where you have to put yourself and well being first. They aren't toddlers who can't understand .

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