We feel like friends

[Tulip630]

I am 6 months pregnant and been in a relationship for 3 years with a wonderful man who is always there for me.
We aren’t living together at the moment as otherwise his work is a 2 hour journey. We are in the process of finding somewhere in between before the baby arrives.
It’s come to my knowledge that our relationship is lacking in typical relationship things such as intimacy, sex, romance, passion and quality time.
We have a great bond on the surface, same humour, we get on well and can tell each other anything, I love spending time with him. To me this feels like a very close friendship and not the basis of a healthy relationship.
The lack of sex really hurts me but he has hormonal issues which are difficult to control so I am understanding and patient. I guess I just want to feel desired and loved.
Now we have a baby on the way it scares me because I know a baby can create issues within a relationship and sex naturally lacks for some time. I want to get this sorted before the baby arrives but I’m not sure what else to do.
I have told him how I feel which upset him deeply. He can’t make himself dominant and romantic. He can’t make himself have sex with me when he can’t maintain an erection. I am scared when we live together it will feel worse like we are room mates and not a family.
My mind tells me we’re incompatible as I’ll never be happy with our platonic relationship, but I owe it to my baby to try and give him a family as we are both from broken unhappy homes.
How do I approach this with my partner and what suggestions can I make to help us have a romantic bond before we go our separate ways?

I'm sorry to read this OP. My sense is that you need to get your priorities straight, and soon. Your priority now is to your unborn child - you need to find a way of moving in with this man and making a good go of family life. Once you have that in place, you can start to think about increasing the romance in your relationship - but your child needs to come before a romantic ideal.

Thank you, yes you’re right I should focus on the baby. I just have this emptiness where I know something is missing and it makes me feel really low most days. My midwife said it’s normal during pregnancy but I know it’s not pregnancy related. My partner thinks everything is perfect which makes me feel worse that I can’t see the positives.

I really feel for you, OP - I’m in a similar situation with my BF (though without a baby involved), and agree about the emptiness - that constant ache of feeling like you’re not really loved by someone.
It’s difficult, but if you think things are worth trying then I would try to look to the positives, maybe talk to your partner about how you envision life together as parents and as a family - and try to look forward to some of those amazing experiences you’ll share - it may bring you closer together?

@Tulip630

I am scared when we live together it will feel worse like we are room mates and not a family. My mind tells me we’re incompatible as I’ll never be happy with our platonic relationship

OP your post has so many doubts in it, but this ^^ phrase jumped out at me.

In your position I would not give up my current home with so many issues up in the air. Can you take things a bit slower, stay in your current homes whilst you wait to through your relationship over the next year or so? Your partner could come and spend the weekends with you to be with you and the baby whilst not saving a long commute during the week.

Giving up your home and moving into his whilst you have so many questions is too risky for you I think. What happens if you rent/buy together in a rush before your child is born, or very soon after and co-habit but now you need to find somewhere for you to live? 🌹

I could not disagree more with this. OP, you seem to know that this relationship can never work for you. You know an intimate life is absolutely essential to a relationship for you.

I would put my energy into moving things to an amicable split and co-parenting relationship. Your baby will thrive having two separated parents who both love him and get along well to co-parent him/her.

Unhappy parents in a doomed relationship will do your baby no favours at all.

Thank you for the responses. It’s very hard because I love him deeply and couldn’t imagine us being over. Despite that I feel like I will always wallow over the things we don’t have rather than appreciate what we do have. Pregnancy and a newborn is a trying time without unrelated resentment brewing. He knows how I feel and promises to try harder to make me feel secure and loved but nothing makes a difference. I still struggle to make the final step to split because I always hold out hope one day he’ll whisk me off my feet and become more passionate and affectionate.

You need to have had some sex to get pregnant so the relationship is hardly platonic! Is the issue that you fancy him and want more sex but he isn't forthcoming or that you don't fancy him at all?

Staying in an unhappy relationship isn't prioritising the child. Family life doesn't have to be 1 man + 1 woman + child(ren).

OP, the best thing for your child isn't to stay in an unhappy relationship. I'm with @Comeohsavinglight ... you love your partner, and having a child together will bond you forever, so that's good. But you don't have to stay in a romantic relationship with him.

I still struggle to make the final step to split because I always hold out hope one day he’ll whisk me off my feet and become more passionate and affectionate

How many years are you willing to wait for this? That's a genuine question. Until your child is 1? 5? 18? Try to answer, if you can. Think about how it will feel in x number of years, if nothing has changed.

It only took one time to fall pregnant and it was the first time in 2 months then nothing again until I was 4 months. He used viagra too.
Thing is I’m not willing to wait anymore. I’m almost sat here wasting the days hoping things will change while knowing they won’t. It’s a form of torture where I feel I don’t deserve the full package. My ex was abusive but we had a lot of sex. My current relationship is perfect but we rarely have sex. I know we can’t have it all but I feel like this is a dealbreaker for me. But how do you leave someone for a lack of sex and intimacy? How do you confess that reason to family when they ask? When I see my points written down it makes me feel like I am having a tantrum for not getting sex on demand, in the sense a man posting that would be rightly ripped to shreds. I know I’m very fortunate in every other way, I just feel awful about myself for not experiencing desire and love, it must be something wrong with me.

Listen to your gut, OP. When you wake up in the morning and think of your bf, without your filters on, what do you feel?

While you could soldier on in this relationship you will never feel happy or fulfilled. The fact he is ignoring the issue is very telling, too.

I wouldn't give up my home to live with someone who made me feel like that. Maybe he'll be a fantastic and reliable father to your child - it does sound as though he will be - but he's not right as a partner for you.

@Tulip630 You say you're leaving because you don't feel you're compatible, and you're not happy.

If you think you're an awful person for needing physical intimacy in your romantic relationship, then what are you saying about the rest of us? Most people have a need for physical intimacy. Are we all awful?

Aren't there other ways of meeting your sexual needs within your relationship? Or does he not want intimacy at all? There's a difference between ED and simply not caring that you want an intimate relationship.

There are plenty of posts from men in this situation, and the majority of posters do not ‘rip them to shreds’. They get told what you are. That this relationship will make you unhappy, that you deserve a full relationship and that you should leave. It’s absolutely normal to want sexual intimacy in a relationship, and it’s normal to feel like you do without it.

In all honesty I feel deflated. It feels like a friendship not a relationship so I don’t allow myself to feel romantic thoughts.
I’ve recently felt like I’m a sex pest for flirting and trying to seduce him in hope it triggers something in him. Each time I am rejected.
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to imply people with a healthy desire are bad people, it’s how I have developed in feeling in myself due to the knock backs. I’ve never been with a man with a low libido or lack of passion before so it’s easy to blame myself.
There isn’t foreplay or touching so he doesn’t attempt any alternatives with me at all. I do have sex toys but I feel depressed when I use them as they don’t come with the emotional connection I need from real sex.
I do wonder about the Madonna whore complex I have often seen on here. He was very into sexting and dirty photos in the early days but after we got together it stopped. Then possibly due to my pregnancy he sees me as a mum not a lover.

I would suggest you dont move in if your relationship is like this already. Do you live near family/friends ?

This relationship will never be what you need. The resentment will just grow. You can be wonderful co- parents without being together.

I’ve recently felt like I’m a sex pest for flirting and trying to seduce him in hope it triggers something in him. Each time I am rejected

Hang on. He knows you have an issue with him not wanting sex. You are still trying to seduce him. He thinks everything is perfect.

Things aren't adding up here.

What does he say when you tell him you need physical intimacy in your relationship?

Haven't read the full thread, so sorry of you've covered this.
If he wants sexual intimacy but a medical issue prevents, there are solutions. Easier to solve than disinterest I think.
A family member of mine has a serious spine problem which means they can't maintain an erection, he has an injection which he uses when he wants to have sex. It gives him an erection for long enough to enjoy some intimacy and he and his wife have been enjoying a healthy sex life this way for years.

Yes, I think the question to ask is, is it in the main a medical issue or is it disinterest? From what you have written, you are attracted to him and want sex, so there are no issues on your side. On his side, if it's medical, there are solutions. For example, why can't he take viagra every time you have sex? Many men do. If it's disinterest, though, you're probably better off breaking it off now as that's unlikely to change.

The viagra makes him dizzy and feel sick. I have asked him to see a doctor to try something else but he doesn’t want to. He thinks everything’s fine because it’s medical and not intentional so it’s the mindset of ‘tough shit’ I get from his reaction. He knows I’m not happy or satisfied but says it’s not his fault he has medical issues. I understand that as I don’t want to pressure him or make him do something he hasn’t consented to, but it’s really getting me down and makes me cry often.

@Tulip630

He thinks everything’s fine because it’s medical and not intentional so it’s the mindset of ‘tough shit’ I get from his reaction. He knows I’m not happy or satisfied but says it’s not his fault he has medical issues.

No it's not his fault he has a medical problem which is affecting your sexual and overall lives together, but perhaps it is his fault if he doesn't care enough about you to do anything about it. After this situation suits his needs. 🌹

That’s what I don’t understand because surely everyone wants to enjoy sex. I know there are people who hate it and that’s fine, but it’s not fair to assume someone will be happy without it just because they are. This is what he doesn’t understand. I’ve grown distant from him over time because of this elephant in the room. I don’t think I’m far from being repulsed by the thought of sex with him and once that happens we know the ick destroys it all. I don’t know how to play happy families while being so unhappy and unsatisfied in all aspects.

I don’t think I’m far from being repulsed by the thought of sex with him and once that happens we know the ick destroys it all.

Then moving in together should be the last thing you should do. 🌹

How do you thing your sex life will be like in 5 years time if you continue this relationship? You know the answer.

Please, don't stay with him just because he's nice in other ways - it'll destroy you inside.

This