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Original poster

Anonymous letter

74 replies

WinterGold · 17/04/2023 15:48

Reasonably amicably separated from DH, but trying to keep things currently on an even keel to bring things to a tidy conclusion.

I’ve been seeing a work colleague for a couple of months, keeping things very discrete, our paths don’t cross in the office and we meet well offsite. I’ve confided in 4 close girlfriends who appear very happy for me although one does seem to be very keen on the drama and can’t resist messaging me and offering unasked for advice. I particularly asked her not to tell her DH as he has already weirdly said that until I am legally divorced, he would not be prepared to ‘cover or lie’ for me and if my DH ever contacted him, he would tell him everything he knew - which rang a few alarm bells.

Unfortunately, this week my DH received a typed anonymous letter telling him I had been having an affair with a work colleague for 6 months + which he did not react to at all well and as I knew it would, has set back our negotiations. The letter has left a really nasty taste in my mouth if it was sent by someone else in my department that I work with daily, however it didn’t actually name the man I’m seeing.

My random question is; surely someone who actually knew who it was and was motivated enough to write to DH would have specifically named him - and there is no way my friend’s DH would have any idea of his actual identity? I’m now wondering if she did tell him and he’s felt some perverse moral obligation to reveal all, or do you think I am barking up the wrong tree and blaming an innocent man?

OP posts:
BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 17/04/2023 15:54

To be fair, it's not all that discrete if you've told FOUR people!

AgrathaChristie · 17/04/2023 15:58

Why is your stbxh bothered if you’re separated? I think the anonymous letter suggests the “friend” who likes drama.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/04/2023 15:59

Was there an overlap between relationships?

MsPavlichenko · 17/04/2023 16:04

If you want to be discreet tell no one. You told more than one person. Not to mention someone in your work might have picked something up from your/his behaviour.

Either way it’s out there now, and it’s a waste of your time worrying about who said what to whom. Going forward if you want to keep something quiet keep it to yourself.

ZekeZeke · 17/04/2023 16:04

If you are separated what does it matter?
You can date whoever you want.
PS why are you calling him your DH ?
He is hardly your Darling Husband now is he

Original poster
WinterGold · 17/04/2023 16:05

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 17/04/2023 15:54

To be fair, it's not all that discrete if you've told FOUR people!

Fair point! Three of the four women I told go back a long, long way with me and have stood by me through previous relationships and none of them work with me.

The drama loving friend has been on the scene for about 3 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
WinterGold · 17/04/2023 16:11

ZekeZeke · 17/04/2023 16:04

If you are separated what does it matter?
You can date whoever you want.
PS why are you calling him your DH ?
He is hardly your Darling Husband now is he

DH was just easier to type.

Even though the relationship is over, I’m still trying to be sensitive to his feelings within reason. He’s still a good guy and having assured him there was no one else (at the time) I don’t want him to thinking I’ve lied - particularly as he’s being very reasonable and cooperative - and always has.

OP posts:
sladys · 17/04/2023 16:18

If there was no overlap, its none of his business? I presume you're living separately and only discussing practicalities. If so, id kindly tell him that your private life is exactly that and you don't wish to discuss it with him.

Londontoderby · 17/04/2023 16:19

Does the 6 months overlap?

AgentJohnson · 17/04/2023 16:27

You told four people! The likelihood of this remaining on the DL when four people know, especially when one of four loves drama, was slim. The cats now out of the bag and you’ve been kidding yourself that your interactions with STBEX have been amicable.

Original poster
WinterGold · 17/04/2023 16:28

Londontoderby · 17/04/2023 16:19

Does the 6 months overlap?

No. I’ve only been seeing the new man two months. Not sure where the letter writer got those particular dates from.

I’m quite likely being far too sensitive to my stbx’s feelings, but my issue is more that someone I possibly know (and maybe trust) took it upon themselves to write an anon letter in the first place. It’s not going to happen, but the writer doesn’t know that we might have just been taking a break or even talking about reconciliation and by doing this, they’ve certainly removed any chance of that. It’s the interference in the scenario that has unsettled me most.

OP posts:
Original poster
WinterGold · 17/04/2023 16:30

AgentJohnson · 17/04/2023 16:27

You told four people! The likelihood of this remaining on the DL when four people know, especially when one of four loves drama, was slim. The cats now out of the bag and you’ve been kidding yourself that your interactions with STBEX have been amicable.

Yep. Sadly too trusting. Learnt a harsh lesson there.

OP posts:
Quveas · 17/04/2023 16:30

WinterGold · 17/04/2023 16:05

Fair point! Three of the four women I told go back a long, long way with me and have stood by me through previous relationships and none of them work with me.

The drama loving friend has been on the scene for about 3 years.

Show quote history

That said, I have lost count of the "discrete" "secret" office relationships that "everybody knew about"!

HerrickForever · 17/04/2023 16:31

Make up
a “fact” that you only tell her; that your new man is a secret millionaire or something. You
know like how Colleen outed Rebecca Vardy!

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2023 16:32

I particularly asked her not to tell her DH as he has already weirdly said that until I am legally divorced, he would not be prepared to ‘cover or lie’ for me and if my DH ever contacted him, he would tell him everything he knew - which rang a few alarm bells.

The biggest red flag in the world yet you still continued to confide in this woman. She was telling her husband absolutely everything.

Sabretoothedgerbil · 17/04/2023 16:32

Yeah, it’s not nice to think that someone would go behind your back like this. Worse that it might be a friend. You’ll possibly never know, so just ignore it, reassure your stbex (if necessary) that it didn’t overlap and hopefully no damage done.

Londontoderby · 17/04/2023 16:33

When did you and ex split up? Was that less than 6 months ago or did the writer pull 6 months out thin air?

Id be annoyed about it but I’d say nothing to no one about it, pretend it didn’t happen, don’t tell anyone anything else though.

HellonHeels · 17/04/2023 16:34

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2023 16:32

I particularly asked her not to tell her DH as he has already weirdly said that until I am legally divorced, he would not be prepared to ‘cover or lie’ for me and if my DH ever contacted him, he would tell him everything he knew - which rang a few alarm bells.

The biggest red flag in the world yet you still continued to confide in this woman. She was telling her husband absolutely everything.

Yep, of course she was going to tell her weirdo husband.

It's the drama-friend.

Original poster
WinterGold · 17/04/2023 16:35

HerrickForever · 17/04/2023 16:31

Make up
a “fact” that you only tell her; that your new man is a secret millionaire or something. You
know like how Colleen outed Rebecca Vardy!

Haha! That did cross my mind, only because I want that person to know I know, but as @AgentJohnson said, the cats out of the bag now so I’ve just got to live with it.
If nothing else, at least it’s out in the open now so I don’t have to worry about discretion!

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 17/04/2023 16:35

You are assuming your now OH hasn't told anyone at work or outside? What if he's told 4 people?

It could be a jilted ex/current partner? Or you could have been seen by anyone...

Beesandhoney123 · 17/04/2023 16:37

Could be any of your friends, they might have other best friends . I'd say your entire office knows the secret anyway and is watching you both skulk about with interest

What an odd thing to do though, anonymous letters.

Turfwars · 17/04/2023 16:41

Oh one of those who don't have secrets from their DH Hmm
I bet it's her.
Her weirdo DH's outrage is way over the top, it would make me instantly wonder what he's hiding himself.

TheBugWife · 17/04/2023 16:43

Very odd of him to take it upon himself.

Does the 6 month change it from new relationship to affair territory?

CocktailsAndSunshine · 17/04/2023 16:43

I'd tell the drama friend that you were pregnant, and see what happens.

Original poster
WinterGold · 17/04/2023 16:43

Beesandhoney123 · 17/04/2023 16:37

Could be any of your friends, they might have other best friends . I'd say your entire office knows the secret anyway and is watching you both skulk about with interest

What an odd thing to do though, anonymous letters.

Very true.

It’s just the fact that someone was petty and spiteful enough to sit down, type out a letter and send it when it was nothing to do with them. Just makes me feel very uncomfortable.

OP posts:
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