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Original poster

Anonymous letter

74 replies

WinterGold · 17/04/2023 15:48

Reasonably amicably separated from DH, but trying to keep things currently on an even keel to bring things to a tidy conclusion.

I’ve been seeing a work colleague for a couple of months, keeping things very discrete, our paths don’t cross in the office and we meet well offsite. I’ve confided in 4 close girlfriends who appear very happy for me although one does seem to be very keen on the drama and can’t resist messaging me and offering unasked for advice. I particularly asked her not to tell her DH as he has already weirdly said that until I am legally divorced, he would not be prepared to ‘cover or lie’ for me and if my DH ever contacted him, he would tell him everything he knew - which rang a few alarm bells.

Unfortunately, this week my DH received a typed anonymous letter telling him I had been having an affair with a work colleague for 6 months + which he did not react to at all well and as I knew it would, has set back our negotiations. The letter has left a really nasty taste in my mouth if it was sent by someone else in my department that I work with daily, however it didn’t actually name the man I’m seeing.

My random question is; surely someone who actually knew who it was and was motivated enough to write to DH would have specifically named him - and there is no way my friend’s DH would have any idea of his actual identity? I’m now wondering if she did tell him and he’s felt some perverse moral obligation to reveal all, or do you think I am barking up the wrong tree and blaming an innocent man?

OP posts:
Original poster
WinterGold · 17/04/2023 16:46

Turfwars · 17/04/2023 16:41

Oh one of those who don't have secrets from their DH Hmm
I bet it's her.
Her weirdo DH's outrage is way over the top, it would make me instantly wonder what he's hiding himself.

That’s her exactly! They’re very wrapped up in each other and he doesn’t seem to have any male friends.

OP posts:
Marzipangirl3 · 17/04/2023 16:47

You say it was sent to your stbxH - at work or at his home address?

You’ve got to consider who would know your DH well enough from your workplace to know where to send the letter to. If no one at work knows where you live, then it’s likely to be a friend or someone close to you ….

Original poster
WinterGold · 17/04/2023 16:57

Marzipangirl3 · 17/04/2023 16:47

You say it was sent to your stbxH - at work or at his home address?

You’ve got to consider who would know your DH well enough from your workplace to know where to send the letter to. If no one at work knows where you live, then it’s likely to be a friend or someone close to you ….

Sent to his work address.

If it was one of mine and OH’s colleagues, I’m pretty sure his name would have appeared in the letter. After all, if the writer is willing to expose a relationship, they might as well use his name too.

My three long-standing GFs have been so loyal and steadfast over the years and seen me through so much, I honestly can’t see them being so judgmental to do something like this.

Yes, I’m being swayed towards either the drama friend or her weirdo partner. Unfortunately, without hard evidence, I can’t accuse although I might casually say that whoever sent it did me a massive favour as we don’t need to creep around anymore and stbx has had to face the fact that we are moving on.

OP posts:
KittyAlfred · 17/04/2023 17:01

You’re being very magnanimous about the drama friend. If it was me, I’d tell the friends how upset I was, how hard it’s made things for me, how needlessly upset my ex is, how the dates are wrong and it’s caused unnecessary misery all round. Maybe even cry a bit. So she at least feels a bit shit about what she did.

Acornsoup · 17/04/2023 17:03

I think someone from OH's work has seen you and they want him to know.

whatshouldidoorsay · 17/04/2023 17:06

Well you need to make up a lie in front of the suspected friend and see if it gets passed back to your STBXH

donthaveaname · 17/04/2023 17:07

Acornsoup · 17/04/2023 17:03

I think someone from OH's work has seen you and they want him to know.

This!

BellePeppa · 17/04/2023 17:08

You can’t tell four people your secret and expect it to go no further 🤷‍♀️ if you can’t keep your own secret how can you expect others to?

ThatFraggle · 17/04/2023 17:12

KittyAlfred · 17/04/2023 17:01

You’re being very magnanimous about the drama friend. If it was me, I’d tell the friends how upset I was, how hard it’s made things for me, how needlessly upset my ex is, how the dates are wrong and it’s caused unnecessary misery all round. Maybe even cry a bit. So she at least feels a bit shit about what she did.

All of this

Marzipangirl3 · 17/04/2023 17:23

I think that the lack of name and the incorrect length of the relationship with new man could be a red herring. Friend or friend’s partner could have been intentionally incorrect in the info they’ve given because they would know that giving the correct info would link back to them (or one of your other friends).

Either way, it’s out there now and you’re just going to have to deal with it. Don’t tell anyone else your business unless you’re willing to also tell STBXH whilst you’re going through the divorce process.

Acornsoup · 17/04/2023 17:25

BellePeppa · 17/04/2023 17:08

You can’t tell four people your secret and expect it to go no further 🤷‍♀️ if you can’t keep your own secret how can you expect others to?

Wine
Zanatdy · 17/04/2023 17:26

Why would he think it was 6 months if was him? Wouldn’t it be more likely to be someone at work speculating and not knowing length of time? Your friend knows. Can’t believe anyone is that invested to send the letter when you’re no longer with your soon to be ex DH.

Original poster
WinterGold · 17/04/2023 17:37

Zanatdy · 17/04/2023 17:26

Why would he think it was 6 months if was him? Wouldn’t it be more likely to be someone at work speculating and not knowing length of time? Your friend knows. Can’t believe anyone is that invested to send the letter when you’re no longer with your soon to be ex DH.

That’s what is so unsettling. Why on earth is anyone even that interested or bothered to send this type of letter? I guess I just need to let it go now. It’s out there now, there isn’t any further damage the writer can do anyway.

@Marzipangirl3 You could be right, a double bluff by the writer.
And yes, a hard lesson learned by me about trusting others with confidences.

OP posts:
Iyjd · 17/04/2023 17:43

Your soon to be ex will be telling the truth about the letter I’m guessing? If he was suspicious and thought this would help his side of the divorce he wouldn’t have created it himself would he?

BringtheJury · 17/04/2023 17:49

I don't know a single man who would be so invested in someone else's relationship that they'd send an anonymous letter.

Original poster
WinterGold · 17/04/2023 17:59

Iyjd · 17/04/2023 17:43

Your soon to be ex will be telling the truth about the letter I’m guessing? If he was suspicious and thought this would help his side of the divorce he wouldn’t have created it himself would he?

He actually had it in his hand and showed it to me briefly but didn’t want me to read it fully, but tbf it wouldn’t be his style to manufacture a scenario like this. When I asked where the post mark was, he looked at it and was forthcoming with that info.

The drama friend’s OH works from home but goes once a week to his office in the county which is the same as the postmark. However, my office is also in the same county, so nothing conclusive there.

OP posts:
DRS1970 · 17/04/2023 18:00

You say it is discrete, but have told several people about it. Doesn't sound very discrete, so I think you have been asking for trouble.

Original poster
WinterGold · 17/04/2023 18:01

BringtheJury · 17/04/2023 17:49

I don't know a single man who would be so invested in someone else's relationship that they'd send an anonymous letter.

That’s the odd thing. The drama friend’s OH a man in his late 20s, not the ‘usual’ suspect for an anonymous letter - but his initial comments tweaked my senses.

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 17/04/2023 18:06

What would anyone at work gain from writing this letter?

A colleague who resented you/wanted to get you out of the way professionally (because they want your job or want to get you fired or whatever) would usually try to sabotage you in the office and undermine your professional credibility.

Unless there is a work policy that says you cannot date colleagues, what would be their end game? they would have sent it to your boss/HR instead if you were breaking work rules...

Ultimately you are no longer with your husband and therefore free to date whoever you like.

Rather it sounds like this is personal and comes from a spiteful woman (not the type of thing a man would do I would say as I don't think they would be that bothered).

It is one of the female friends you spoke to and I think you already know which one...

They did not name the man they are saying because somehow it is not relevant to the poison letter writer: this was done purely to hurt you.

I would do a serious clean up of your friendship group because this is a seriously twisted individual who has done this.

Mamapiggywig · 17/04/2023 18:13

Distance from your drama friend pronto. She is bad news and so is her dh.

Original poster
WinterGold · 17/04/2023 18:19

Greenfairydust · 17/04/2023 18:06

What would anyone at work gain from writing this letter?

A colleague who resented you/wanted to get you out of the way professionally (because they want your job or want to get you fired or whatever) would usually try to sabotage you in the office and undermine your professional credibility.

Unless there is a work policy that says you cannot date colleagues, what would be their end game? they would have sent it to your boss/HR instead if you were breaking work rules...

Ultimately you are no longer with your husband and therefore free to date whoever you like.

Rather it sounds like this is personal and comes from a spiteful woman (not the type of thing a man would do I would say as I don't think they would be that bothered).

It is one of the female friends you spoke to and I think you already know which one...

They did not name the man they are saying because somehow it is not relevant to the poison letter writer: this was done purely to hurt you.

I would do a serious clean up of your friendship group because this is a seriously twisted individual who has done this.

I think you’re absolutely right - you’ve summed it up very succinctly, thank you.

There is no policy in my workplace forbidding relationships and it had no impact on our performance because of the nature of the business, we operate totally separately within the building, so correct, nothing to be gained by reporting us to senior management.

Thinking back, I had a very, very minor spat with drama friend about 10 days ago. Really trivial and just asking her politely to back off a bit with the advice, that I was fine and whilst I appreciated her concern, I would ask for help if I needed it. She muted me for a day or so, which was fine as we both needed space and I thought no more about it. It was actually so irrelevant at the time, that your post has only just reminded me about it.

I’m quite disturbed if it’s potentially her as I’ve been very supportive to her too.
Wow!

OP posts:
Daffodil18 · 17/04/2023 18:32

I think drama loving friend is probably exaggerating things to her OH by the sounds of her personality. As you think he’s a little weird then he’s probably got his back up thinking you are not a nice person and has decided to expose you. Would make sense him getting mixed up with the 6 month thing. I don’t think she would have done it because she obviously is someone you trust so writing a letter when you have done no wrong would be extreme. Not her fault but be careful what you tell her in future or if you feel comfortable then maybe tell her you think it’s her OH given his comments.

HelloTreacle9 · 17/04/2023 18:39

Hi OP, this must be so weird and unpleasant for you! Have you told the drama llama about the letter? Her reaction might be very telling.

LAMPS1 · 17/04/2023 18:41

If it’s drama friend, she will be wanting to know what repercussions her or her DH’s cowardly interference has caused.
Presumably, you haven't told anybody that your STBEX received the anon letter so all you need to do is wait to see if she reveals herself by probing or hanging around waiting for you to share the latest bit of news to feed her drama appetite.

sonjadog · 17/04/2023 18:46

It does sound likely to be from her and/or her husband, but honestly, secret work relationships never are. Everyone will know.