Do you think men love damsels in distress so they can be the hero?

[Whatsbetter]

When I met my husband I was a damsel in distress, although I didn’t realise at the time.

I unfortunately met a mentally unstable man who just loved that I needed saving because he loved being the saviour. Unfortunately he liked it too much and kept me as one. He got off on being the hero and getting my praise all the time.
He became aggressive when he didn’t think my level of praise was enough. And I’m pretty sure he created situations that made me weak and needy. I was never allowed to become too confident or independent.

I believe he was just on the extreme and slightly damaged end but do all men like the feeling of being the hero?

No.

Certain type of men like vulnerable women. So they can take advantage of them, use them, maybe even abuse them.

Very few men want to see any trouble to gain a woman, easier the better.

Some men seek out vulnerable women for reasons both noboe and not so noble.

Some women seek out men to “save” them.

imho the healthiest option is for everyone to stand on their own two feet.

What happens when the woman is no longer vulnerable? Will he need to save someone else?

The men that like that type of woman are red flags walking. Normal healthy thinking men want a woman capable of being strong in herself and not a 'drama' lover. I think most men just want a nice drama hassle free life to be honest and the ones that don't are the ones to keep away from.

@Nounoufgs in my case they made sure you stayed vulnerable.

I’m sure some do, in the same way that some women like a man who needs looking after (for some reason lol). Some men also like a woman who is the exact opposite. I know DH finds it funny if I try to act all in distress but I doubt he finds it attractive.

I was in distress at the point I met him but it shouldn’t have been a permanent position like he kept me. He wouldn’t allow me to grow and be confident. I’m out of that for a while and with another man now for a few years who doesn’t seek to be a hero and I do not need saving. He says he’s with me as he finds me “sexy” lol I don’t think that but it’s much better then damsel!

Not particularly. Maybe a minority of men like weakness in a women so they can feel in control. I think most men would be put off by a damsel in distress. My DH certainly would!

I just can’t see it.
So many men are just so lazy when it comes to relationships.
So it’s so unlikely they’d see the trouble and effort to help or save a woman.

I have seen and know there are many women who do that for men, though.
Women seem more likely to take up on these work in progress type of partners / relationships.

I think this can be the case, yes. I was pursued by someone I trusted when I was in a very vulnerable place. We ended up in a relationship. It became apparent to me that he liked me distressed, he got off on it. He literally got an erection when I cried. He loved to tear me apart and be the one to console me when I crumbled. He was both abuser and rescuer. I was a shell of myself by the end. I’m sorry this happened to you.

Abusive and controlling men like vulnerable women.

Women don't need to fall for it, i get tired of the excuse women don't know their own brains and these big bad men are meanies

Women need to take responsibility for their choices of partner, thry have just as many brain cells as me so use them

I read it all the time in sayings like my better half or you complete me. I’ve a few friends who go on about what there husbands have done for them, worked so harm for them, given them the perfect life instead of being equal.

So hard not harm

I was going through a very vulnerable time while in the midst of the pandemic (like most people), felt lonely, isolated, and making little money due to work being affected by lockdown. In the midst of this mess I met someone, it turned out to be the most toxic relationship of my life. He was an abuser (had a police restraining order from his ex which I found later). Because I was a vulnerable mess I decided to overlook the obvious red flags at the begining. Luckily we only lasted 5 months but it’s taken a long time for me to heal from that mess. I believe toxic men and abusers smell vulnerability from a mile away.

Some men certainly do. Or some like my ex want an independent, confident woman like I was so they can spend all their time looking after their mum. He used to justify never being there/doing anything to look out for me as "oh but you're so capable i didn't think you'd need it".

Yeah apparently even me needing to get a biopsy checking for cancer didn't require him there (coz I'm so capable), so he chose to go to the theatre with his mother..

Some do. I've seen men fall for their DW/DP's best mate after she became single

They're vulnerable. That's the entire point.

Not all women are.

I think that's just being opportunistic.

I was just thinking back to the cave men who hunted and the cave women who looked after. Do men really like confident women or do they still have this need to be the provider deep down. All abusers seem to want the same thing and to be in control, it’s like they have gone back to there primal self and seek out easier prey.

I believe most of us like to feel “needed” in a relationship, at least to some extent, I mean who wants a partner who doesn’t need you and is always engaged in work/hobbies/friends while you feel abandoned? That’s one thing, but then there’s those “damaged types” who search for “damissel in distress” vulnerable types they can control.

I think that some men have this mentality but not all. My ex-husband was also one of these guys, he was a firefighter and had a real hero complex. It wasn't just with me, he did it with everyone, he would make out like people were incapable of doing things themselves and that they needed him to sort it all for them. At the beginning I thought he was just a really thoughtful and helpful person but he would tell me things like I would never be able to look after myself without him, despite me having lived myself for years before I met him. He didn't go to the extremes that it sounds like yours did and he wasn't aggressive, but I think in his own mind he genuinely thought that only he would be capable of doing anything properly and so he had to do everything for everyone else. Even his colleagues, according to him, weren't capable of doing the job and he was constantly having to keep everything in line (in his mind and what he would say) to keep people safe at work.

I don't know where it stems from for guys like this but I know how difficult it was to live with...

No they're too lazy. A real damsel in distress is a new mum and most don't appear to give a shit

Yes. But only where the distress is very short lived, can be easily fixed by their manly intervention, and is followed by disproportionate amounts of praise and gratitude from the damsel. Otherwise they get bored of it pretty quick.

I was very vulnerable when I got together withy ex husband. He is definitely a 'saviour' type! And, tbh, I needed it at the time 🤷🏻‍♀️

There are things I can't take away from him - he supported me wiyh childcare and emotional support through university as a single parent etc.

What I found was that he created scenarios afterwards where he was the rescuer unnecessarily. It wasn't until we split up amd he was still trying to do it that I realised just how much he did it.

He is now in a relationship that is very codependent but it appears to suit them both. As my adult son said, "Dad wants someone to rescue and X wants to be rescued".

Their whole life now seems to be a series of crap they have to 'deal with'. Most of it is nothing to do with them - like a neighbour having some building work done that doesn't really affect them at all but it seems to be something that they need to support each other through. There was a time when he couldn't have the children because he had to take her to A&E. She sprained her anle and didn't really need to go to A&E but he had to go to 'keep her company'.

It sounds tiresome to me!

A healthy relationship includes support but not a situation where one person needs to be constantly reached by the other.

I'm pretty sure I remember after 9/11 firemen were given the task of taking care of a dead colleague's wife, in terms of making sure paperwork was done, funeral arranged etc. Many of those firemen left their own wives and families to be with the bereaved families.