Do you think men love damsels in distress so they can be the hero?

[Whatsbetter]

When I met my husband I was a damsel in distress, although I didn’t realise at the time.

I unfortunately met a mentally unstable man who just loved that I needed saving because he loved being the saviour. Unfortunately he liked it too much and kept me as one. He got off on being the hero and getting my praise all the time.
He became aggressive when he didn’t think my level of praise was enough. And I’m pretty sure he created situations that made me weak and needy. I was never allowed to become too confident or independent.

I believe he was just on the extreme and slightly damaged end but do all men like the feeling of being the hero?

Yes mine was definitely a rescuer but it was transactional. I wanted to help him also but didn’t want anything in return, well apart form to be treated better I suppose so I guess it became co dependant but not intentionally. I guess he was also the abuser also so that’s a bit of a head f++k. He used to get angry at me for not wanting to have a baby, he’d always ask what did I want in return. Eventually I got pregnant and he said about time I’ve got you a house and a car what more do you want. I wanted a little baby keepsake like a handprint pendant and he offered to buy me a car for giving him a baby. I declined.

I know because we share a child that he got together with a lady 15 years younger over lockdown and he moved in. We were in child court and she as he put it “was his absolute rock”. Seems they share this rescuer relationship also. I feel sorry for her.

Definitely some men like a vulnerable woman BUT she also must have something else about her. She's usually pretty, has a sexy body, young(er), reminds him of someone important in his life like his mum (I know I know!) or first love or a deceased sister.

When the woman tries to break free it changes the dynamics and he loses control. It threatens his core. If he can't be a rescuer anymore, then who is he?
The ultimate thing for a man is to be the hero. And what do heroes do? They rescue the less able, the weak. When she's no longer weak, it threatens his identity and everything he sought to be. It might also irritate him because he doesn't believe she is capable just delaying the inevitable fall. They see your rejection of your role as a victim is a rejection of their role as your hero and that you could do a better job in fixing your life than they did for you, that you don't appreciate what they have done for you. They think they have given you the best type of love, the truest and the most honourable there is and yet you reject it and you reject them even though they are objectively doing 'better' than you and you should be grateful they took pity on you.

Really toxic nasty stuff.

Some men do, I am sure of it. My best mate was one. Then his DW discovered that she wasn't in distress anymore and left him. But saying it's "all men" would be a step too far.

My XH is a covert narcissist. I was co-dependant for various reasons and he definitely latched on to me. I had a difficult time soon after we got together and there was definitely a trauma bond between us. I reached a point where I felt very dependent on him and he kept it that way (he’d tell me not to do things, he could do it better himself). It took me a long time to see him for who he really was. He eroded my self-confidence over time. He trained me gradually to be dependent on him and think I couldn’t manage without him.
The relationship broke down in the end. I’ve been amazed at what I can do myself when I put my mind to it (and watch YouTube videos!). I’ve met someone else now (about a year after I split from XH, I worked a lot on my self-esteem in that time). He said today how he loves that I will do DIY myself and have a go.
I’d say there are definitely some men who seek out vulnerable women and try to keep them that way…but I don’t think you can assume all men are like that! Course they’re not all like that.

Not all men, a minority I think. But absolutely this applies for those men.

I do think that some men can come along at a difficult time, give you a hand up and then watch you regain your feet and soar, quite possibly without a relationship involved. But they're fundamentally kind, compassionate but also very healthy people. They'll have a healthy sense of their own value and good boundaries. They tend to be very quiet about their support and never expect a quid pro quo - the support is freely given.

Anyone who rides up like a White Knight on a galloping horse is automatically highly suspect. People who are transactional aren't in it for your wellbeing, but their own.

I'm sure some men absolutely love to feel the hero, swooping in to rescue the poor crying woman. It makes them feel incredible.

My ex certainly did. Except he never rescued me even when I was crying.

He was selective over who was worthy of his heroics.

Unfortunately for his targets, he will always need another weeping woman and will indulge in extra curricular activities.