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Original poster

I'm 32, he is 54 - feeling like he is not that sexually attracted to me anymore

43 replies

threeplusmum · 17/04/2023 03:28

Just looking for advice really, not looking to leave him.

I've just given birth to my third child (his second) and though I'm not as big as I was with my second child, I just have a feeling he would be more sexually interested in me if I was slimmer and looked different. In the past even if I broach this subject with him, he reassures me he is in love with me and finds me attractive but his actions speak louder, I have a high sex drive and have had multiple sexual partners in the past and so has he, so I don't understand why there is a lack of sexual chemistry between us. For the last stages of my third pregnancy- he said it was best we didn't have sex as he didn't want to cause any complications or pain to me and though I was slightly miffed and relieved I admitted I missed our intimacy - he is English, so can sometimes come across as quite cold and brief - he hardly kisses and hugs me and I hardly kiss and cuddle him cause I'm scared of him pushing me away.

He does a lot for me and the kids, even the child that isn't his biologically and on paper he is a great boyfriend but sex is important to me when we do have it, I enjoy it.

What I'm trying to say is my partner probably could happily go months and months without intimacy with me and use excuses. I know he is not cheating because he is in love with me, but I don't think he lusts me. He is usually tired as one would expect from running a house, looking after kids and working.

I have no idea how to feel going forward.... he is a great guy, partner and friend but the lack of sex is making me feel insecure and unattractive. He says I'm the love of his life, but from past conversations I know he has done sexual stuff with exes that he hasn't done with me. Again excuses.....

Have I made that mistake of dating an older man?

OP posts:
Emilia35 · 17/04/2023 06:29

People's sex drives decline the older they get, so it's not really that surprising that at 54 he isn't wanting sex all the time.

No one can say though if it's an attraction issue, another problem or whether he's just getting too old for regular sex. Have you asked him/had an honest discussion with him about how you feel?

PaterPower · 17/04/2023 07:53

Everyone’s different, but I’m male and in my early 50s, and I have definitely felt a massive drop in energy over the last few years.

I’ve got a young DGC and a step DGC a year older. They’re great fun, but I’m knackered after a couple of hours of running around with them. The thought of caring 24/7 for a new baby, at my age, would bring me out in a cold sweat!

I don’t think your DH has fallen out of lust with you, but family life will be taking a lot more of his ‘oomph’ than I think you realise.

IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 17/04/2023 08:01

How old were you when you started dating?
Perhaps you age out his preference. Lits of creepy men out there who want very young/much younger women than they themselves are.
Age gap is a huge red flag most of the times.

Xrays · 17/04/2023 08:02

Someone will be along in a minute to tell you it’s nothing to do with age and they’ve got a 60/70 plus year old lover who wants sex 8 times a day. It always happens on these sorts of threads. But the fact I’ve seen a lot of these sorts of threads show it’s a lot more common than not - peoples sex drives do decline as they age. Men and women. Especially when they have young children and busy family life. I think if the rest of the relationship is otherwise good I think perhaps unfortunately it is just a change in his sex drive.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 17/04/2023 08:13

He's 54 with three kids in the house, at least 2 of whom are very young.

He's knackered.

That's what the 50s looks like for a lot of people.

Or, indeed, you're now too old for him <vomit>

Sorry.

Somanysocks · 17/04/2023 08:32

He's 54 and knackered, 22 years age gap is massive and makes a hell of a difference in energy levels.

Surely you must have expected this when you got together with a man old enough to be your father.

DustyLee123 · 17/04/2023 08:33

My DH had started with ED by this age, it was the beginning of the end of our sex life.

Naunet · 17/04/2023 08:44

Mate, he’s 54! He’s slowing down now, it’s probably just that, maybe self conscious/concerns about not getting as hard as he used to etc too.

Im honestly a, a little staggered at the age gap, as soon as the kids are old enough to be independent, you’ll be careering for him! Are you planning to get married?

MermaidEyes · 17/04/2023 08:55

I had a baby at 32 and still had boundless energy despite the sleepless nights. I'm now heading for 50 and even the thought of having young children now tires me out. Your body and sleep patterns change as you age. Also the 'cold and brief' bit is nothing to do with him being English, that's obviously just his personality. Plenty of English people are warm and affectionate.

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 17/04/2023 09:19

The fact is, you've chosen to have children with someone who is in a typical age range for becoming a grandparent. I'm not being mean- it's just a fact, illustrated well by PaterPower's post. It's too old to have children. How did you imagine it would pan out?

It's a huge age gap that in most instances doesn't result in long-term compatibility and happiness. He's old enough to be your parent. Completely different life stages.

No one here can comment on the attraction side of things. I suspect it really is more that he is too old to be a parent to three young kids and he is knackered.

Was the age gap not a concern for you when you got together? Did you not anticipate that the very different life stages you are both at could cause these kind of issues?

Also 🙄 at the 'cold English' comment.

80s · 17/04/2023 09:38

he is English, so can sometimes come across as quite cold and brief
This may be the explanation you have found for him being unpleasant, but please note that it's not the correct explanation.

Whadda · 17/04/2023 09:49

I’ll get flamed for this, but…

OP, I recognised your name as you posted a lot on a very recent thread I was also on and your name has stuck out because of the unusual circumstances in which you live.

You have three very young children and, along with your boyfriend, the 5 of you live on a one-bed studio flat. It sounds stressful, cramped, and uncomfortable.

How do you even desire sex in that situation? Surely there can’t be much space or opportunity for it? Maybe he’s afraid of another pregnancy and adding a sixth person to your living space?

AncientToaster · 17/04/2023 10:17

Everyone slows down as they age. DH and I are that age range and are fit for our age. We did a walk in the Peak District of 7 miles last week, proper ups and downs. When we were 30 we managed to walk 20 miles in the Peaks a few times. he still runs 5k weekly and his time is good for his age but no where near what it was when he was young.

KillerSandy · 17/04/2023 10:17

Maybe it's suddenly dawned on him that he won't be able to retire at 60.

PaintedEgg · 17/04/2023 10:32

He may be just genuinely tired and it has nothing to do with you or how you look! he's in his 50s with young children...

talk to him about your insecurity, but at the same time take into consideration that people are not machines and men (especially middle aged men) can too get tired

TheMarsian · 17/04/2023 11:12

As you get older, libido decreases, yes.
But at 50yo, there is no reason to go for months and months Wo sex.

Is it an issue with his libido - so he doesn’t masturbate either and that could be linked to low testosterone for example.
Is it that he can’t keep it up and the things like viagra could help
or is it that he simply doesn’t fancy you?

I think you need a chat….

TheMarsian · 17/04/2023 11:15

If @Whadda is right then I suspect the circumstances have a lot to do with it.
Finding a time and space to be relaxed and intimate won’t be easy with that arrangement.

Id worried about the older child walking on me on the top of disturbing/waking the youngest ones….

Jimbobdibob · 17/04/2023 21:11

I am 54, couldn't imagine being my 32 year old self in that way. Perhaps I'm just old.

5128gap · 17/04/2023 21:31

I think you probably need to accept this is how it is OP. He's not going to get any younger and it's not going to improve. Soon it won't just be in bed that he cant keep up. It will be with the children, socially, in leisure, he will want an increasingly slower pace. While you are likely to be full of energy for the next 20 years.
So, where does that leave you in terms of your future? Are you dependent on him? Is leaving an option practically? Even if you don't want to now, another ten years trapped in a sexless marriage with an aging man and you may feel very regretful of your lost youth and opportunities.

AlwaysAlba · 18/04/2023 06:59

Gosh you’re all harsh! My father and a few of my friends had their youngest at 65ish and were still fit and active hands-on parents, and yes I am someone who can honestly say my DH at 70 without any blue pills still makes love with me pretty much daily. It’s not necessarily an age issue but it is definitely a communication issue. You have to talk…and very definitely get rid of the idea “cold English” is ever acceptable.

NashvilleQueen · 18/04/2023 07:17

It could be his age. It could be the Leo DiCaprio effect. What do you know about his previous relationships?

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 18/04/2023 07:59

AlwaysAlba · 18/04/2023 06:59

Gosh you’re all harsh! My father and a few of my friends had their youngest at 65ish and were still fit and active hands-on parents, and yes I am someone who can honestly say my DH at 70 without any blue pills still makes love with me pretty much daily. It’s not necessarily an age issue but it is definitely a communication issue. You have to talk…and very definitely get rid of the idea “cold English” is ever acceptable.

It's not harsh to say that 50s is too old to have a baby. It's just a fact. Just because something is still physically possible does not make it a good idea. It's really not fair on the children.

65 year olds being fit and healthy for being a parent? I don't doubt that a lot of them would try to be hands on but when I think of my dad and his friends in their mid 60s, there's no way any of them would want to have kids now. And age related health issues are creeping in. How can anyone think retirement age or thereabouts is a sensible time to have a new child?

5128gap · 18/04/2023 07:59

AlwaysAlba · 18/04/2023 06:59

Gosh you’re all harsh! My father and a few of my friends had their youngest at 65ish and were still fit and active hands-on parents, and yes I am someone who can honestly say my DH at 70 without any blue pills still makes love with me pretty much daily. It’s not necessarily an age issue but it is definitely a communication issue. You have to talk…and very definitely get rid of the idea “cold English” is ever acceptable.

The exceptional men you know aren't the OPs H though, who is clearly a more typical example. It's not harsh to acknowledge the truth, either to the OP who needs to manage her expectations or to her H who should have thought of this before he married a young woman.

Greenfairydust · 18/04/2023 08:21

You have two potential reasons:

  • He is a creepy old men who only fantasises about much younger women and at 32 you are now ''too old'' for him. To me 22 years is way too much of an age gap and I would really query his motivations.
  • His age is the issue. He is at a completely different stage in his life and will find it hard to physically and mentally cope with 3 young kids. I am 52 by the way so this is not an ageist comment. Coping with 3 young kids at that age would drive me mad. Women are always vilified and called selfish for having kids in their late 30s/early 40s. I think it is time to put the same pressure on men not to leave it too late in life to have kids because it is unfair to these kids and their partner. The fact that you can still procreate at 50 if you are male doesn't mean you should....
Seaoftroubles · 18/04/2023 08:23

I doubt it's anything to do with your appearance, it's much more likely to be the age gap; 3 young children, one of which is a newborn, a busy job, helpful and hands on with you and the family, he is probably just feeling his age.