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Relationships

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Original poster

I'm 32, he is 54 - feeling like he is not that sexually attracted to me anymore

43 replies

threeplusmum · 17/04/2023 03:28

Just looking for advice really, not looking to leave him.

I've just given birth to my third child (his second) and though I'm not as big as I was with my second child, I just have a feeling he would be more sexually interested in me if I was slimmer and looked different. In the past even if I broach this subject with him, he reassures me he is in love with me and finds me attractive but his actions speak louder, I have a high sex drive and have had multiple sexual partners in the past and so has he, so I don't understand why there is a lack of sexual chemistry between us. For the last stages of my third pregnancy- he said it was best we didn't have sex as he didn't want to cause any complications or pain to me and though I was slightly miffed and relieved I admitted I missed our intimacy - he is English, so can sometimes come across as quite cold and brief - he hardly kisses and hugs me and I hardly kiss and cuddle him cause I'm scared of him pushing me away.

He does a lot for me and the kids, even the child that isn't his biologically and on paper he is a great boyfriend but sex is important to me when we do have it, I enjoy it.

What I'm trying to say is my partner probably could happily go months and months without intimacy with me and use excuses. I know he is not cheating because he is in love with me, but I don't think he lusts me. He is usually tired as one would expect from running a house, looking after kids and working.

I have no idea how to feel going forward.... he is a great guy, partner and friend but the lack of sex is making me feel insecure and unattractive. He says I'm the love of his life, but from past conversations I know he has done sexual stuff with exes that he hasn't done with me. Again excuses.....

Have I made that mistake of dating an older man?

OP posts:

billy1966 · 18/04/2023 09:24

Greenfairydust · 18/04/2023 08:21

You have two potential reasons:

He is a creepy old men who only fantasises about much younger women and at 32 you are now ''too old'' for him. To me 22 years is way too much of an age gap and I would really query his motivations.

His age is the issue. He is at a completely different stage in his life and will find it hard to physically and mentally cope with 3 young kids. I am 52 by the way so this is not an ageist comment. Coping with 3 young kids at that age would drive me mad. Women are always vilified and called selfish for having kids in their late 30s/early 40s. I think it is time to put the same pressure on men not to leave it too late in life to have kids because it is unfair to these kids and their partner. The fact that you can still procreate at 50 if you are male doesn't mean you should....

This.

Yours is a huge age gap and one of the above is likely.

I find it very strange any man of 54 wanting more children.

The energy difference of a 32 and 54 year old is just enormous, not to mind 3 young children in the mix.

Late 50's here.

perfectcolourfound · 18/04/2023 14:09

Not your question I know but please rethink the way you lumped a whole nation of people as being 'cold'.

It's not a helpful conclusion and quite inaccuarate IME.

Your husband is getting to an age where it's perfectly usual to slow down a bit. He must be exhausted with young children around. I'm a similar age and I know I couldn't cope. I wouldn't be offended if he wants to have sex less often.

YukoandHiro · 18/04/2023 14:18

Looking at @DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife comments and others - there's a perception issue here. Any millennials (even a geriatric one like me) knows they're working til their mid 70s + baby or no baby.
The idea that early 50s is retirement age is something is dying out with my parents generation. Attitude to when it is normal to have a baby, that's also shifting. Lots of 45+ dads at the school gates for the primary we use.
I'm in a smaller age gap relationship (me early 40s, DH early 50s) and we have only just bought a house. Timelines are changing, and too much judging on this post.
OP, your DH is probably just tired but maybe have a chat about your shared expectations - couples counselling?

Whadda · 18/04/2023 22:32

Any millennials (even a geriatric one like me) knows they're working til their mid 70s +

Really? I’m an elder millennial and this is news to me.

YukoandHiro · 19/04/2023 02:19

www.businessinsider.com/millennials-around-the-world-are-planning-to-work-until-they-die-2016-5?r=US&IR=T

Data on world economic forum website is worth looking at on this - v interesting

PaintedEgg · 19/04/2023 09:03

@Whadda with the way retirement age keeps going up we will be long dead and still enrolled in some sort of working scheme 😅

But what it also means that people are having their children later in life so its not so unusual to see middle aged people having children

Easterfunbun · 19/04/2023 09:04

He’s 54, now she’s what you’re expecting? Probably was always going to happen but that’s what you get for shagging grandads.

Dillydollydingdong · 19/04/2023 09:16

If you live in a one bed flat with 3 children, how do you get the privacy to have an active sex life? That would be enough to put me off for a start.

ImAvingOops · 19/04/2023 09:32

It might be less unusual these days to have kids in your 40s+, but you can't override biology - people start to feel knackered in their 50s. Especially if they are working and have young children.

Pahpahpotato · 19/04/2023 09:36

Such is the risk of going with a man so much older. Weird that you’re blaming it on him being English, I strongly suspect that has very little to do with your problems at all.

Crazykatie · 19/04/2023 10:01

20 yrs is a big age gap it depends how young he is in his head, my OH is 74 he is about as keen as an 18yr old but has a lot more experience, he can be boyish and serious, spontaneous but always sensible. I’m average after 4 children Ive got too much tummy but nice boobs so it’s not about body perfect, it’s my personality that is attractive and it should be yours.

Lack of intimacy finished my marriage at 50 I thought my sex life was over and eventually left, only have the old desire revived with a new man. At your age you should be having regular sex, if not resentment will build up, he should realize that you need that, being too tired is OK occasionally not continually. You need to talk to him, ask for more cuddles, if that doesn't lead to more sex then Viagra or Cialis.

Original poster

threeplusmum · 19/04/2023 11:54

Ok I have read the replies and felt I'd do an update, the day after I posted this thread, I eventually opened up to my partner as he noticed I wasn't being 'myself' I eventually told him that lack of intimacy is getting me down, we had a heart to heart which was good, he is in no way too tired or not interested, he just wants me to heal from pregnancy and misses making love to me, he took on board a lot of my concerns and I have said I will work on my insecurities etc for those who mention my 1 bedroom flat and finding time to have sex, I have two children under 2 who sleep in cots in our room and another who is 4 years old and sleeps in the living room it's partially her bedroom and our living room and at the moment it works - the kids all sleep through just about anything. Obviously as they get older we intend to move to a bigger property, at the moment it is working for us being here and saving money 💰
Partner is a good man, and sex is important to him as well as myself he is no way past it or too tired, he has more energy than me at 32 years old he is always the one going out doing the shopping, lifting up the pram etc he is very fit and healthy for his age (used to do rowing). I wanted advice and I thank everyone for replying even tho some responses were rather judgey but hey that's MN for you.

OP posts:

80s · 19/04/2023 12:09

some responses were rather judgey
says the woman who says English people are "cold"!

Thesharkradar · 19/04/2023 13:19

He's old and his libido is flagging, you should go out and find yourself a young stud

Original poster

threeplusmum · 19/04/2023 14:49

I don't want a young stud.

OP posts:

Movinghouseatlast · 19/04/2023 14:54

I am his age and I'm shattered all the time! He hadn't got an easy life looking after 3 children and it will take a toll on him.

Thesharkradar · 19/04/2023 17:35

threeplusmum · 19/04/2023 14:49

I don't want a young stud.

fair enough, but you're not going to get any action out of this one, he's ready for the knackers yard.
You're in the prime of your life with a high sex drive and yet wasting yourself on this old man....it's not like he's even rich, you're stuck in a 1 bed flat with 3 children.
Aim higher girl!

Easterfunbun · 22/04/2023 19:18

@Thesharkradar

Give me a young stud any day of the week over those circumstances 🤦‍♀️.

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