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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage in crisis

38 replies

SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 06:11

Been married 5 years, together 8. One young child together. Relationship over past 2 years has been up and down - we argue. The usual stressors: resentment about who does what at home, about money, etc. We both work but DW has a big job.

I love DW and thought we were happy. Yes we argued too much and I knew she didn't like my responses to things (too quick to anger) but the rest of the time things felt great. She was telling me she loved me only days ago.

A week ago she told me she had been unhappy for ages and had given me lots of chances to change but I hadn't and she didn't know what she wanted. She needed space. I was devastated and the next couple of days kept asking her to talk and on the second day she then said that's it, we're separating.

Since then she's told me she loved me again (once) and several other times, that she won't change her mind about separating. I can't lose my marriage, I love her. I'm starting therapy about the anger and DW has also started therapy. I'd like us to go together as well but she is saying no.

I don't understand why she feels she has to make this massive decision right now instead of giving it a chance with the therapy. Our little child's life would be so much less happy if we broke up, I can't bear it.

What can I do?

OP posts:
lightand · 16/04/2023 06:16

Are you able to control your anger?

Original poster
SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 06:18

lightand · 16/04/2023 06:16

Are you able to control your anger?

I don't actually feel I am angry a lot of the time that she says I am. I just get irritated and express myself in a way she finds stressful. Especially since a lot of our arguments are about me doing nearly everything on the childcare and home front as well as my job. So she feels I'm attacking her.

I have obviously tried to overcome this communication issue and failed on my own so I am now starting CBT to get some tools to make myself respond differently.

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 16/04/2023 06:22

I'm sharing some initial thoughts...Unfortunately when a spouse reacts in ways that make us feel things like fear often there is no going back. We may continue to love them, but also recognise that our ability to trust them and feel vulnerable and safe in that is gone. You'd have to be consistently showing her you can feel anger and express it safely to change anything here..all of which may need to happen after your separation as it takes time and practice with CBT.

Original poster
SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 06:24

I am just desperate at the moment to slow all this down. Nothing has happened that isn't fixable. I don't know why she appears to have made a snap decision instead of saying look, you/we need therapy to work through this. She says she doesn't want to go back. But we have a child.

OP posts:
BritInAus · 16/04/2023 06:34

But she probably hasn't made a snap decision. You've said you've been arguing a lot for 2 years. That you're quick to anger.
This is probably her final straw. It's not sudden - it might seem it to you if you haven't taken her concerns seriously for two years or more, but it doesn't mean she's made a snap decision.

Original poster
SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 06:38

Ok, point taken. But it's not as though there has been a "if you make me feel like this again then I'll leave". Literally days ago she was telling me she loved me. Even if she feels at the end of her rope right now, I am getting help with this and we have a kid who will not be happier being raised in 2 households than by the 2 people who love her most in the world. I need DW to see that this deserves a proper chance.

OP posts:
BritInAus · 16/04/2023 06:45

I mean this kindly, but perhaps she feels she has been giving it a proper chance for two years already?

and not everyone wants to issue an ultimatum (and really, they rarely work). It's not like there's a rule where someone can't leave unless they tell their partner 'once more and I'm gone'.

I appreciate this isn't what you want, but it's perhaps too late for her.

ThankmelaterOkay · 16/04/2023 06:55

Cherchez l’homme

Original poster
SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 06:56

We are both women, so it would be a femme. That is a possibility but even if it is, I need to keep my marriage together for my child.

OP posts:
SnapchatJustForTheFilters · 16/04/2023 06:57

ThankmelaterOkay · 16/04/2023 06:55

Cherchez l’homme

Bullshit. Easy excuse. Wife has clearly been saying the issue for years, OP only taking action now it’s too late.

No affair script here. Sometimes marriages fail.

ThankmelaterOkay · 16/04/2023 07:02

SnapchatJustForTheFilters · 16/04/2023 06:57

Bullshit. Easy excuse. Wife has clearly been saying the issue for years, OP only taking action now it’s too late.

No affair script here. Sometimes marriages fail.

Show quote history

Was being sarcastic. And failed clearly, on my part due to OP being a woman.

She sounds like she considers herself better than you because of her job? Such a man way to be. Was it like this from the start?

Original poster
SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 07:03

Don't think she thinks herself better than me because of her job, but the pressures of her job create an imbalance at home that I suppose has resulted in resentments building up.

OP posts:
ToastyMcToastyface · 16/04/2023 07:03

If she asked you for space a few days ago and you kept pushing her to talk maybe she just feels unheard and that her needs aren’t being considered by you.

maybe she has tried to indicate that she is near the end of her rope or that they way you respond is causing her to consider her options but you’ve not listened?

ToastyMcToastyface · 16/04/2023 07:06

Do you feel your expectations on her are fair? Do you feel you give consideration to the fact her job is stressful and she might need down time?

it is a balance as she can’t opt out of daily family life but in a marriage you should have some give and take during stressful times and actually want to support her.

Original poster
SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 07:07

Yes both valid points. For the past few days I have given her the space, not trying to talk about this any more. I got that wrong to begin with but realised I had to leave it be.

OP posts:
ThankmelaterOkay · 16/04/2023 07:13

Sorry if I am overstepping, but your child, is it biologically hers? If you separated, what would you both want in terms of access?

Original poster
SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 07:15

Our child is equally ours legally - forms signed st the time of the IVF.

OP posts:
Specso · 16/04/2023 07:15

Whatever is happening and however she feels, panicking, pushing or insisting you must stay together absolutely won’t work.

If you give her space and show understanding she will likely think it through and consider every angle including staying together.

If you push things and insist the marriage has to work then it will likely just convince her further that she’s doing the right thing in splitting up.

It’s so difficult but your only option here is to allow her to have space to think. Yes, let her know that you definitely want to stay together and want to work on things but it sounds like you’ve already done that so just give her the space now. When you say you ‘have’ to keep the marriage together unfortunately you both have to want that. If one person genuinely wants out then that’s what’s happening.

Original poster
SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 07:20

I know that is good advice. I am just so filled with regret and sadness and am desperate.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 16/04/2023 07:24

You can only hope, and do your best with therapy.

Show the changed person and show that more calm person for many, many months and then your spouse might start to trust you again.
I see this as a loss of trust and a rebuilding of trust takes a long time.
Whatever happens, the sharing of a child will bring you together sometimes so there is always a chance. Take care and make the contact that you still have really respectful.

Specso · 16/04/2023 07:24

SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 07:20

I know that is good advice. I am just so filled with regret and sadness and am desperate.

That’s completely understandable, it’s so worrying and upsetting going through this kind of situation. Have you told any friends and family what’s happening? Do you have anyone to support you IRL?

Original poster
SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 07:25

Yes some friends know and are being supportive.

OP posts:
barmycatmum · 16/04/2023 07:30

Hmmm. The best thing to do if you want to win her back is probably the thing that is going to hurt the most, especially if you have any anxious attachment issues: genuinely give her space. Give her a hell of a lot of space.

she can’t miss you if you’re pouring so much energy into trying, and she’s not in a “trying to work it out” place.

work on YOU, your happiness, your healing. Go to therapy ; do things for your heart and soul, and do not engage.

give it space and time.

it may feel panicky and urgent, but the more urgent something feels, that’s so often a signal we need to do the opposite and sit back, observe, breathe.

If there is not another woman (I’d be observing extra closely at this time, tbh-) then there may be hope- but the best thing to do to give this a chance is focus solely on yourself and your own healing.

then, in time, it either has a chance, or it will be good you have already been working on centering yourself in your healing process.

Nellodee · 16/04/2023 07:34

I’d be angry too if I was doing all the parenting work by myself. Make sure you don’t make a doormat of yourself here. Its not clear to me that you’ve done anything more than argue about an unfair distribution of household labour.

DustyLee123 · 16/04/2023 07:37

Sounds to me like she’s already checked out, especially as she won’t have couples counselling, the counselling she is having is probably helping her move on.
You can love someone and still divorce, she may well just not like you due to the behaviour she sees.