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Original poster

Marriage in crisis

38 replies

SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 06:11

Been married 5 years, together 8. One young child together. Relationship over past 2 years has been up and down - we argue. The usual stressors: resentment about who does what at home, about money, etc. We both work but DW has a big job.

I love DW and thought we were happy. Yes we argued too much and I knew she didn't like my responses to things (too quick to anger) but the rest of the time things felt great. She was telling me she loved me only days ago.

A week ago she told me she had been unhappy for ages and had given me lots of chances to change but I hadn't and she didn't know what she wanted. She needed space. I was devastated and the next couple of days kept asking her to talk and on the second day she then said that's it, we're separating.

Since then she's told me she loved me again (once) and several other times, that she won't change her mind about separating. I can't lose my marriage, I love her. I'm starting therapy about the anger and DW has also started therapy. I'd like us to go together as well but she is saying no.

I don't understand why she feels she has to make this massive decision right now instead of giving it a chance with the therapy. Our little child's life would be so much less happy if we broke up, I can't bear it.

What can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 07:48

Nellodee · 16/04/2023 07:34

I’d be angry too if I was doing all the parenting work by myself. Make sure you don’t make a doormat of yourself here. Its not clear to me that you’ve done anything more than argue about an unfair distribution of household labour.

We have other argument topics - all pretty standard ones. What I can't understand is what has happened in the past week to move her from feeling she didn't like the tensions in our relationship, but was generally happy with it (she had told me this a few weeks before), to thinking that she has to leave me. But nothing major happened. So why is she now being so cold and distant? We were cuddling in bed a week ago.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 16/04/2023 07:58

Seems like she wants out and is now blaming it all on you

relationships fail
what’s her role in that?

it’s not about you changing it’s about both of yiu understanding and acknowledging behaviours and both working on the relationship.. why is it only you need to change ?

sounds like she doesn’t want to

Sit down and work out a plan how to separate

YellowGreenBlue · 16/04/2023 08:12

Oh OP it's so sad. But as others have said, you can't force someone to stay in a marriage if they don't want to, even if you have a child.

As well as pursuing CBT for your anger issues, are you also having counselling to talk about the relationship?

She may have her eye on someone else, it's not inevitable but it's a possibility.

Original poster
SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 08:24

I don't want a plan to separate. She's the love of my life and I will do anything. I just want her to take a bit more time to think through all the consequences for our child if we separate, particularly since the issue is so fixable.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 16/04/2023 08:26

It’s not fixable if she’s already moved on in her mind. She might well have been planning this for some time, but it’s new to you.

BritInAus · 16/04/2023 08:42

If a major issue is your anger and it's fixable, you need to fix it. That's quite a major thing.

Original poster
SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 08:43

I am going to fix it. With the CBT. I wish I had done this before but I couldn't afford it before and now I can get it on insurance.

OP posts:
YellowGreenBlue · 16/04/2023 08:43

It may seem easily fixable to you. But the chances are that it's a combination of things - with this being the main one - and the upshot is that she just doesn't want to be with you any more. Sorry OP, I know it's devastating Sad

WTF475878237NC · 16/04/2023 09:25

She's clearly been backwards and forwards about the decision for a long time. Often the final straw can be one sentence, a look, a gesture even, or the absence of something promised but not fulfilled, that solidifies the need to move on despite desperately wishing it wasn't so. She will have thought about the impact on the children for many months if not years.

Blip · 16/04/2023 13:47

If your wife isn't doing much in the way of domestic duties and childcare how will it work if you are separated?

Crikeyalmighty · 16/04/2023 14:13

I'm married to a guy @SpaceAndTime09 and have been 27 years- (second marriage) all I will say is that it gets very wearing with someone who has a quick temper, moans a lot, and one day you just think 'I like you -but I don't like living with you' - once you have hit that point unless the person basically changes a great deal I think it's not if a death knell. My current H didn't show this side of him till we had been married maybe 6 years, but once it appeared it never stopped- if she isn't happy and has had the guts to tell you then I think you need to accept that however hurtful it is and at least separate on good terms and co parent well- you can't make someone love you in the same way if it's gone past that

Ghislainedefeligonde · 16/04/2023 15:17

If she has emotionally checked out it’s not fixable no matter how much you want it to be. I’ve recently separated from my husband of 20 years and his complete inability to accept that I no longer love him and that it’s all fixable is causing a lot of issues as we try to work out what to do next (children etc)

Original poster
SpaceAndTime09 · 16/04/2023 17:22

Blip · 16/04/2023 13:47

If your wife isn't doing much in the way of domestic duties and childcare how will it work if you are separated?

Says she'll get a nanny

OP posts:
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