Was ex H having an affair? Your thoughts …

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We split in November 2022 after years of emotional (and occasionally physical) abuse. I don’t have any proof (and to be clear, I don’t really care as we are - in the words of TS - never ever ever getting back together) but my spidey senses are tingling and I’m interested in the collective wisdom/verdict of MN.

I think ex H is having a relationship with a colleague and it possibly pre dated our split. Circumstantial evidence:

1. We had Easter away together as a family with kids and he stayed up late on Easter saturday night (I went upstairs to bed at 8pm). I came downstairs several times and he was outside on the deck messaging on Insta (I recognised the purple messages). He’s not active on insta (has never posted an pic) and only has a handful of followers, including this woman.
2. When I asked him the next day what he’d done after I’d gone to bed he gave me a long elaborate story about a TV show he had watched. I said no you didn’t, you were sitting out on the deck drinking on your phone “oh yeah I was watching it on my phone” (he wasn’t - I came downstairs several times and he was messaging. He’s had almost a dozen beers so clearly not very sharp 🤪)
3. Easter Sunday we visited old friends, one of whom happens to work with H’s female colleague’s husband. Friend mentioned the husband’ name - ex H acted as if he hadn’t spoken.
4. Ex H was highly highly stressed at work last year and ended up leaving - weird as he is a real lifer, had been there forever and ended up taking a job that was a very unusual move for him. He recommended female colleague be promoted into his role, which she was. A big step up for her - however she has now left too, to a role that is not as prestigious.
5. When H left his job he was paid his final pay plus a separate (reasonably significant) sum which he couldn’t explain “it must be leave owing”. The sum would equate to about a month’s worth of leave and I can’t see how he could possibly have been owed that much. We always took full quota of holidays. A settlement pay out?
6. I told him about an acquaintance of ours who has a similarly senior job on a similar type organisation to exH, who has been caught having an affair with a direct report and had to disclose it to management. Very embarrassing and career limiting. Ex H reacted really weirdly “middle aged people having affairs is disgusting!!!!” I thought it was directed at me as he has been constantly accusing me of cheating since the split. However I’m now thinking he identified with the acquaintance and was being defensive/over compensating.

Thoughts? it’s all circumstantial and I doubt I will ever know, he’s such a gaslighting prick. I don’t really care - in fact it frees me to progress my life. For some reason though, despite the fact he was so textbook abusive I always believe he would never cheat as his dad was a cheater snd he was extremely judgmental about it. But now I’m wondering if that was all a cover?! I’m feeling a bit 🤯🤯🤯

(But also feeling very proud of myself that I finally found the courage to leave, regardless of whether he fucked someone else 😂)

Congratulations! 👏🏼⭐

All the things you've mentioned could be harmless. But - and it's a massive BUT - the fact that they alerted your 'spidey senses' would make me believe you were right, or at least nearly right. The Instagram thing's particularly weird, as is his claiming not to know why he got an extra month's pay.

I understand why it's still bugging you. I was almost pathetically grateful when I finally found some friends (and a therapist) who understood what I meant about these smoke-but-no-gun incidents, and agreed that the affair was as I thought. It's really horrible to be told over & again that you're wrong about the very thing closest to your heart.

For reference, one of my things was "the way they move when they pass each other, they don't touch but it's like they're dancing". Yours are much more concrete than that!

Anyway, the geezer's clearly an arse. Well rid. Happy future!

thank you @GarlicGrace !!

Weirdly I don’t particularly care about the possible affair … what does REALLY fuck me off is that he was such a total psycho when I ended the marriage (rages, suicide threats, stealing joint money - the whole Lundy Bancroft 9 yards) … if he pulled all those shitty stunts while cheating or having cheated in the past I will be soooo fucked off.

Well, it was very mean of you to write your own script. If you wouldn't stay in your place and act the part assigned to you, you naturally deserve to be punished with full fury. Poor STBXH, it must be so difficult to see the lovingly-curated drama of his life sent off course by one disobedient cast member!

Tsk

How was his behaviour otherwise during that year?

Was he ratty? Picking unnecessary arguments? Trying to make you seem unreasonable at every opportunity?

Any extra personal grooming? Buying new clothes?

Well done for getting out of an abusive relationship.

Are you referring to this Easter? If you split up 5 months ago, I guess he can message who he likes? (Not entirely sure why you’re on holiday with your abusive ex).

The back pay story could be true. Is there no other way you could find out if he was somehow dismissed or left by some agreement?

On this level of evidence (ie none), perhaps worth thinking about how to move past it and focus on your new life. You’re rid of an abusive (potentially lying, cheating) ex, take that as an huge positive and run!

@BlastedPimples yes ratty, yes picking unnecessary arguments, yes making me seem constantly unreasonable (I was a heu/bitter/a bitch: he was sick of me/the marriage etc). Can’t remember any excessive grooming

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers Yes not ideal at all! We own a holiday home together and have small children who wanted to spend Easter with both of us. We tagged in and out (he arrived Friday, I arrived late Saturday afternoon, he left Monday morning). I am definitely definitely over him and very happy about the next phase of my life! It’s just that when he lied about the TV show and I saw him messaging furiously on Instagram pennies started dropping.

Good for you!

I think he was. And you have excellent gut instincts.

Well done on chucking him out and moving on. I think you're right that you'll never know. And that piece of shit isn't worth you putting a shed load of effort into finding out. Get an STI check and put it to bed.

Fwiw, I never thought my XH would be a cheater as his dad was. XH repeatedly told me he wouldn't do to his own children what his dad did to him. Loved them too much to put them through it. And loved me too much to put me through what his mum went through. And would never leave us, ever, like his dad did.

So it was an extra hard blow when I discovered he'd been cheating for 6 years. He left when the kids were pretty much the same age he and his sister were when his dad left him.

It does make me worry for my son's behaviour when he gets to that point in life. 😔

Confused as to why you even were asking about what he was doing when you were in bed if you've split up? Yes be may well be messaging a romantic interest but it's none of your business and if I were him I wouldn't have told you either

She's talking about when they were still together FFS. It's normal to process the end of your marriage. Get some compassion.

I get why people are saying congratulations on leaving him - that's great - but you don't seem like you've mentally left the relationship yet.

You kept checking up on him on the evening then tried to catch him out. I don't understand why. All he did was send some instagram messages.

None of those things scream affair to me.

lol @RedHelenB I actually asked because I could see from the rubbish that he’d drunk nearly a dozen beers and had several G&Ts and I wanted to see if he would admit to drinking too much/being hungover. His alcohol consumption was a big issue and one he initially acknowledged after we split but nothing has changed.

I didn't care that he was messaging anyone and didn’t think anything of it bit when he went into the elaborate take of the TV show he definitely wasn’t watching I wondered why he was lying.

@GoodChat I wasn’t checking up on him - I went downstairs a couple of times to get a glass of water/go to the loo, and then later to check whether he had put the easter bunny eggs out for the kids as I had asked him (spoiler alert - he hadn’t - so I did) … and for that whole time he was outside messaging on Insta. He obviously didn’t notice me (or was too drunk to remember).

I know messaging on Insta doesn’t scream affair 😂😂 God knows I do it myself. it was the unnecessary lie that made me suddenly 🤔🕷️ … for the first time ever I might add. it’s never crossed my mind before. My best friend gently suggested it a while ago as he went into the office unnecessarily every single day of a 4 month lockdown and I scoffed at her “he’s just a workaholic” 🫠

It's irrelevant now, you have split, move forward not backwards. And good riddance to him.

If he's started talking to someone he still might not want to tell you because he doesn't know if it's going to go anywhere etc, or it might just be a FWB he has.

I think you need to completely separate your lives because this relationship isn't healthy for anyone.

Trust me @GoodChat I well aware of that. Disentangling yourself fron a controlling man with whom you share kids and assets is not an overnight process.

I think it’s really odd you claim he’s the abusive one, yet you’re obsessing over a potential affair with pretty flimsy reasoning, analysing his life, his behaviour, trying to make his work situation fit your affair narrative, going on holiday with him 6 months after ‘splitting’ and posting a whole thread about it on Mumsnet.

Of course Mumsnet will say you’re right. Most people here consider not buying the right brand of lemonade is spousal abuse and having the audacity to have any social media accounts is DeFiNiTeLy AfFaiR oMg LTB.

If this is real the answer is: it doesn’t matter. There is nothing healthy about this obsessive behaviour. Let it go.

oh don’t worry @BoneBrothByDayDonutByNight he was definitely the abusive one. I never gave him black eye.

I hardly think a post on MN qualifies as “obsessing” over my ex, when I was the one who called time on the marriage and have spent the last 5 months trying to split our assets while he hangs on to me a dose of the clap.

This is ridiculous.

After a marriage / relationship, it's perfectly normal to think about it, think about what went wrong, what might have happened etc. Assess behaviours. Wonder if we did something wrong. And yes, wonder if there had been affairs.

It's how we learn from our past. We process it. And that helps us move on, hopefully with a better and fuller understanding.

Thanks @BlastedPimples

I genuinely don’t care if he’s met someone new - in fact I hope he has as it will distract him and hopefully speed up the divorce process. “I wish you well” to quote Gwyneth 😂

If however he was cheating (a) it makes me wonder if I ever knew him at all, after 20 years together and (b) what a hypocritical cunt - he’s spent the last 5 months accusing me of one!

One thing I found with my ex - he was adulterous, violent, verbally abusive etc - is that he would never admit it anything even with concrete evidence.

Accused me of an affair, abuse etc instead.

You will probably never get to the bottom of it with your ex. They don't care if they're hypocritical, dishonest or entirely without integrity.

It just doesn't matter to them.

This kind of headfuckery takes a while a shake off because it's hard to understand why someone wouldn't care about being honest and decent. That is why it might all stay with you a bit longer.

You probably wont figure it out because you're dealing with people whose morality is so different to your own.

We own a holiday home together and have small children who wanted to spend Easter with both of us.

Please don't do this to your children.

Separate your holidays and get rid of the holiday home.

You need to make it crystal clear you are not with their father.

In addition if he or you or you both get new partners you will not be spending holidays together and your children will think it is the new person's/people's fault. It won't be it is their parents faults for not having clear boundaries with one another.

The thing that makes me think the answer is yes, it’s possible he had an affair, is that he was accusing you. That’s fairly standard behavior for a cheater, I think.

ugh. Glad you’re rid of him

I do understand wanting to know. I still wonder if my ex cheated. I’d be relieved to have the question answered, finally. It is an unsolved puzzle, and it can be a little bothersome.

No but the first step is to not go on holiday with him. That's a fairly easy thing to avoid.