We split in November 2022 after years of emotional (and occasionally physical) abuse. I don’t have any proof (and to be clear, I don’t really care as we are - in the words of TS - never ever ever getting back together) but my spidey senses are tingling and I’m interested in the collective wisdom/verdict of MN.
I think ex H is having a relationship with a colleague and it possibly pre dated our split. Circumstantial evidence:
- We had Easter away together as a family with kids and he stayed up late on Easter saturday night (I went upstairs to bed at 8pm). I came downstairs several times and he was outside on the deck messaging on Insta (I recognised the purple messages). He’s not active on insta (has never posted an pic) and only has a handful of followers, including this woman.
- When I asked him the next day what he’d done after I’d gone to bed he gave me a long elaborate story about a TV show he had watched. I said no you didn’t, you were sitting out on the deck drinking on your phone “oh yeah I was watching it on my phone” (he wasn’t - I came downstairs several times and he was messaging. He’s had almost a dozen beers so clearly not very sharp 🤪)
- Easter Sunday we visited old friends, one of whom happens to work with H’s female colleague’s husband. Friend mentioned the husband’ name - ex H acted as if he hadn’t spoken.
- Ex H was highly highly stressed at work last year and ended up leaving - weird as he is a real lifer, had been there forever and ended up taking a job that was a very unusual move for him. He recommended female colleague be promoted into his role, which she was. A big step up for her - however she has now left too, to a role that is not as prestigious.
- When H left his job he was paid his final pay plus a separate (reasonably significant) sum which he couldn’t explain “it must be leave owing”. The sum would equate to about a month’s worth of leave and I can’t see how he could possibly have been owed that much. We always took full quota of holidays. A settlement pay out?
- I told him about an acquaintance of ours who has a similarly senior job on a similar type organisation to exH, who has been caught having an affair with a direct report and had to disclose it to management. Very embarrassing and career limiting. Ex H reacted really weirdly “middle aged people having affairs is disgusting!!!!” I thought it was directed at me as he has been constantly accusing me of cheating since the split. However I’m now thinking he identified with the acquaintance and was being defensive/over compensating.
Thoughts? it’s all circumstantial and I doubt I will ever know, he’s such a gaslighting prick. I don’t really care - in fact it frees me to progress my life. For some reason though, despite the fact he was so textbook abusive I always believe he would never cheat as his dad was a cheater snd he was extremely judgmental about it. But now I’m wondering if that was all a cover?! I’m feeling a bit 🤯🤯🤯
(But also feeling very proud of myself that I finally found the courage to leave, regardless of whether he fucked someone else 😂)