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Original poster

Fireworks after friendship?

26 replies

Nofireworksneeded · 15/04/2023 14:17

Met a fab guy, X, online Aug 20. Early 50s. Had a few dates. Really clicked, but due to COVID, he didn't want to meet up IRL. We carried on messaging and became really good friends, even supporting each other through some tough life situations.

Life carried on for both of us. We met IRL once in Aug 21 when X felt COVID was low enough. Again, that spark was there.

We were both in a position to properly start dating in Dec 22. X lives 2 hours away, so seeing each other is limited. We've probably spent about 25 days together since Dec.

This week, X told me he doesn't feel anything different for me compared to December. He said there's no fireworks. So he can't see a long term outlook for us. Because he wants the fireworks and flutters and those infatuation feelings you get early on when you meet someone.

From my perspective, my other 2 LTRs began as friendships, so there wasn't the fireworks he's describing. The love grew from knowing the person deeply, rather than the heady rush. Which is where I was heading with him...

He's never had a friendship become a relationship. So I don't think he can get his head around that love doesn't need the fireworks. Plus, I think he probably had the fireworks back when we met due to his behaviour but he suppressed them as he knew it wouldn't go anywhere. So much has happened since Aug 20, he can't recall his emotions from that time. I certainly had a buzz when we met and was so disappointed when keeping COVID safe was his priority, although fully respected his decision.

We're going to have a follow up chat soon after we've processed all that we talked about. I think we need to spend more time together before he concludes love between us is unlikely to grow. For me, having a friend turn into a partner is the very best outcome. For X, it's a non starter because he's not having that emotional high.

Has anyone experienced fireworks with a friend turned partner? Have I got it all wrong and should I have expected fireworks about my friend when we started dating?

OP posts:
zombiecupcakes · 15/04/2023 14:19

Kindly, I think you need to take no for an answer and not try to force this!

DustyLee123 · 15/04/2023 14:21

He doesn’t want to continue, move on.

IhearyouClemFandango · 15/04/2023 14:21

This isn't up to you. What you think is kind of irrelevant.

BringtheJury · 15/04/2023 14:22

He's just not that into you, sadly. For goodness sake take him at his word and don't try and force anything.

emptythelitterbox · 15/04/2023 14:26

He's not interested anymore. Take the hint and tell him bye.

Men know right away these things but they're all too happy to waste a woman's time for some sex when they know nothing long term will happen.

Living 2 hours away makes me wonder if he's married or already has a partner.

YouWithoutEnd · 15/04/2023 14:26

I think if you’ve got to try and convince him into it, it’s probably a non-starter. You’re better than needing to convince a man to give you a chance! Your post sounds kind of like you’re telling him and yourself how he felt back in covid, instead of listening to what he’s saying. He chose to sit in his house when he could have been spending time with you, that’s either very insulting, or he was having his cake and eating it, elsewhere.

Just because you felt those things, it doesn’t mean he did, unfortunately. Or maybe he did back then, but now that he knows you a lot better and feels safe and securely attached in your friendship, those “chemistry” feelings have dissipated. Sometimes the chemistry and butterflies are actually anxiety, because they’re recreating a trauma (usually from an unmet emotional need in childhood) and they’ve activated fight or flight. Lots of people will chase that “chemistry” forever and a day, and never allow anything to progress into a safe and securely attached love, because they’re not self aware and they don’t recognise the pattern, so they can’t fix it.

YouWithoutEnd · 15/04/2023 14:28

What’s very clear is that you’ve invested a lot of your precious time into nurturing and waiting on this connection and it’s never quite come to anything, don’t do that anymore. No man is that much of a prize. I bet if you stop doing whatever emotional labour you’ve been doing for him, you’ll soon find that the “friendship” falls by the wayside.

AutumnCrow · 15/04/2023 14:29

I agree with the others ^^ that there's no point arguing with the ref.

More generally, though, yes of course friendship can grow into love that is deep and still has sparkles and intimacy and passion in the long-term. But you need to find the the right man for that. This man is telling you it isn't him, in this instance; and I'd listen to him and save yourself some further grief.

Bummer Flowers but that's the reality I guess.

Original poster
Nofireworksneeded · 15/04/2023 15:22

Loving all the assumptions being made about the wife and 2 kids at home, him sitting on his arse all through COVID and my holding out for him for years. 🤣

I'm not going to try to persuade him-if he's done, he's done. I'm trying to understand his thinking. I'm wondering if other people have the fireworks after a friendship turns to dating, as I never have. That's what my questions were!

@YouWithoutEnd the information about the "chemistry" is helpful in my understanding. Thank you.

I'm really sad to be losing a friend, as I'll be going NC if he's done. Regretting the day we decided we'd start dating tbh, but you live and learn.

OP posts:
Skankylanky · 15/04/2023 15:29

Sounds like he's trying to gently tell you that he doesn't fancy you. Sorry OP.

Definitely let it drop.

AgapanthusandAcers · 15/04/2023 15:34

I agree with what previous posters have said but to answer your question yes I have had fireworks after friendship moving to romance. Obviously over time that changes but at the start of a newly romantic relationship that had evolved from friendship, there were still lots of fireworks.

Chat22455 · 15/04/2023 15:35

Hi there,

Sorry to hear it’s over between you but just wanted to answer your question about fireworks.

My current long term partner was borne out of friendship and once our feelings deepened into love, we realised we had something precious to make more of so we embarked on a relationship together and oh my goodness, HELL YES, there were fireworks. It was fantastic- felt like a teenager again.

Things have calmed back down to the steady deep connection and enjoyment of each other’s company without the attendant fireworks but yes, for me, there’s always fireworks at the start of a romantic relationship. 💥

Opentooffers · 15/04/2023 15:42

Nope, never had a friendship turn into fireworks. Had it turn into feelings, but fireworks, no. Sounds like you are flogging something that isn't there. You can't convince him and you shouldn't try

Original poster
Nofireworksneeded · 15/04/2023 15:46

Thank you @Chat22455 That's helpful.

Do you mind helping me understand further?

When you describe the fireworks and feeling like a teenager, do you mean the sex was amazing and you couldn't get enough and were always all over each other? Or do you mean that you were experiencing an emotional high? Or both? And for how long?

Thanks

OP posts:
Specso · 15/04/2023 15:48

To answer your question I think everyone is different when it comes to having a ‘spark’ and/or strong sexual chemistry.

Some people prefer to be friends first before feelings turn romantic but for others they need the chemistry to get things going in the first place. It really comes down to preferences and individual personality etc.

I’m someone who needs a strong chemistry. I met and married someone who ticked all my boxes, was a lovely guy and felt like my best friend and I did love him very much. 10 years on and friends is all we were as the chemistry was never really there in the first place and now we’re divorced and still on friendly terms.

The point is, you need someone compatible with you and it sounds like he isn’t. Talking someone round and ‘trying’ as is so often talked about on here is usually a waste of everyone’s time. Of course relationships require effort but you need to genuinely both be on the same page. When people are ‘trying again’ after cheating, someone saying they’re not in love anymore or don’t find them attractive etc it very rarely works. Just my opinion.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 15/04/2023 15:50

OP, in your shoes, I would already be NC with this man.

Emmamoo89 · 15/04/2023 15:50

Move on

Original poster
Nofireworksneeded · 15/04/2023 15:59

That's helpful to think about @Specso , thank you.

I've never been a strong chemistry person, neither were my 2 LTRs that both started off as friends. We just grew into the love we had. Obviously there was the initial couldn't get enough of each other in bed, but I wouldn't describe it as fireworks or an emotional high.

X and I couldn't get out of bed when we first agreed to date in Dec, so that obviously isn't what he considers fireworks.

Interesting to think this guy has shown himself to be a strong chemistry person. It's in contrast to much of his personality traits.

All fascinating to think about.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 15/04/2023 15:59

Ugh. It hurts. I really really really feel for you OP. It’s so hard but you’re really going to have to cut him loose and genuinely let go. Don’t even be ‘just’ friends. People are different. I absolutely need that knock-me-down-with-feather chemistry. It’s not taken my love life anywhere but still…

Press the release button. As a wise friend once told me, Don’t become Bonnie Raitt’s I Can’t Make You Love Me.
Ouch! But they became words to live by.

Chat22455 · 15/04/2023 16:00

@Nofireworksneeded it was an emotional high, but the idea of (and act of) sex was heady and exciting too. I think that feeling maybe last about 2 years or so…? I can’t quite remember, but it was incredible. It made me feel so young! And freeeeee! And like anything was possible etc etc etc.

As I said, things are back to normal for us now - we love each other but it’s not like that anymore of course. Human bodies are amazing aren’t they, the way they produce these fantastic chemicals and endorphins when we connect with someone.

Chat22455 · 15/04/2023 16:01

i pressed send too soon - just wanted to say I’m glad he’s been honest with you as it means you’re free to be you or free to find someone to feel wonderful with. ❤️

Original poster
Nofireworksneeded · 15/04/2023 16:03

Wow @Chat22455 2 years of feeling like anything was possible? Did you start HRT early? 🤣

I've never had that, I'll be honest. I'm just not wired that way. My endorphins seem to have only gone as far as the bedroom...as do the men I date it seems.

Thank you for helping me understand a little more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nofireworksneeded · 15/04/2023 16:07

@Opentooffers Ah, someone like me. I feel better!

OP posts:
Unicorn2022 · 15/04/2023 16:18

I'm not sure I believe him - it just sounds like he doesn't want a relationship anymore and has come up with a reason that you can't dispute or do anything about. Let him go and try to find his ideal unrealistic relationship with someone else. I know it must be difficult to let go after investing so much time in him.

TheShellBeach · 15/04/2023 16:27

Sorry about this, OP. It sounds very disappointing for you. Maybe this bloke just can't commit.
I think it's good that he's been honest, and not strung you along just for sex.
And you need to move on now. He's been clear in his intentions.