Lack of sex

[witnessprotection73]

My husband never really wants to have sex anymore. We’re down to about every other week and I normally initiate. At the weekend he will stay up late watching tv and in the week we’re often both quite knackered. I also feel generally we’re less affectionate, eg kissing etc. This morning I started to touch him, I was going to give him a quick HJ. He was getting aroused but then said I need to get up! I don’t know what to think! I feel rejected and my mind is working overtime.
He said he’s just stressed with work at the moment but it’s never mattered before.
Thoughts??

I guess everyone is different but once a fortnight in a LT marriage doesn’t sound too bad.

I think only you know if something feels “ off” and it’s very easy for others to say what you should and shouldn’t do in this situation .
Except only you know your husband and what does not feel right.
My suggestion is to observe and to see how things go, which might sound shit, but there is little more you can do right now: you’ve already tried to talk to him, are aware he watches porn but you do have access to his phone, which many don’t.
This could be just down to the fact that he doesn’t want to have sex as much at the moment . It is shit but can happen as all relationships can experience this kind of thing . Or he may not have been in the mood at that time , felt pressured by you and genuinely didn’t want it. Absolutely fair enough. If the shoe was on the other foot and you didn’t want to be touched by him, then I am sure he would respect your decision and boundaries.
Take your time and ease off the pressure- see how he is to you and whether he initiates any intimacy.
Ultimately though, you both need to talk to each other and have a good honest conversation.

I wouldn’t give the not wanting a HJ any more thought.
Have you thought about spicing up your sex life when you do get round to do doing it or going out with your girl friends wearing a sexy outfit and see if he’s suddenly interested.
If neither of these work you could try a chat with him saying you miss the intimacy and could you would like more cuddles on the sofa watching movies etc, but don’t mention actual sex.
If none of the above work then I hate to say it but based on his age it could be he’s started fancying someone at work.

i forgot to say I’m a couple of years older and my friends are the OP’s age and up
to my age and once a fortnight seems to be about average.

@witnessprotection73 my husband was like this and I'm afraid to say we are now divorcing. He was watching a lot of porn, not having an affair, but fundamentally just lost interest in me, completely. No ED, in very good shape etc. Tried to make it work for a couple of years but he never regained enthusiasm/was never interested in rekindling our sex life.

Suspect his libido is not what it once was

Mine isn't

Fell asleep so just catching up! thank you for all your input, all of which is appreciated.

I will try to talk from an are you ok’ perspective & see how that goes and I agree perhaps when put for a walk rather than at home.

rest assured he loves a no strings hand job. Honestly this is why I posted because it’s so odd. If we were just going through a sex drought I’d be less concerned because I know sex in long term relationships can be like this at times.

I have thought about and tried to spice things up but it’s annoying that this is always on me.

As someone has suggested I’ll see how things go. Im not going to be instigating anymore sex though!

There seems to be very little discussion about the impact of porn on women's sex lives on MN. You've said he's downstairs watching porn instead of being in bed with you, OP. That's a pretty big clue. It doesn't have to be an addiction to fuck up people's sex lives.

Yes, the porn thing is a worry.
Probably a major contributing factor.

Yes, I think the problem could be entirely innocent or not and have possibilities for help and improvement or not. You won't know until you communicate your care and willingness to get things to a better place, if possible, and see if he is open to talking and meeting you partway.

In a healthy relationship, investing attention and effort in each other goes a long way to getting over the slumps and bumps life throws in the way of a good sex life.
If he's not willing or interested in at least being open to going in that direction, when he is able, then that's one thing and his choice to check out if that's what he wants, let's hope it's not that.
If he still cares, but is suffering under the strain of whatever and wants time to sort his own mental well being so he can turn his attention onto your relationship, then that's another.

Good luck, let's hope it's nothing that can't be fixed with supportive good will and willingness to be honest and self aware.

I wholeheartedly agree that porn is probably part of the the issue but when I’ve raised this he brushes it off or suggests we watch together but I don’t like porn. For me it seems to be all about things being done to women for the pleasure of men, rather than mutually fulfilling. Plus I hate the idea that some of the participants aren’t completely involved through their own free will.

If that is the root cause of this problem, and that's his attitude you might have a serious issue on your hands. Unless he's willing to consider honestly what the effect of his porn is on your relationship it won't get any better. 😒

Possibly. Sometimes men are just lazy and going solo is easier than having to put the effort into having sex.
maybe he though if you gave him a HJ he would have to reciprocate or that it would lead to sex but he couldn’t bothered?
i know that’s shitty, but certainly better than him having an affair!

some men are just over it, if you were in your 20s I’d be surprised, but if you’re in your mid 30s+ maybe he’s just over it??
I think society stereotype all men as being sex crazed so women always think that men are constantly horny or ready to go when Infact that isn’t the case.

low testosterone levels can also affect libido.
Being self conscious about weight or image?
stress and anxiety.