Lack of sex

[witnessprotection73]

My husband never really wants to have sex anymore. We’re down to about every other week and I normally initiate. At the weekend he will stay up late watching tv and in the week we’re often both quite knackered. I also feel generally we’re less affectionate, eg kissing etc. This morning I started to touch him, I was going to give him a quick HJ. He was getting aroused but then said I need to get up! I don’t know what to think! I feel rejected and my mind is working overtime.
He said he’s just stressed with work at the moment but it’s never mattered before.
Thoughts??

48

He’s v fit and honestly doesn’t have an issue with this. I honestly think it’s either he just doesn’t want it with me or he’s getting elsewhere 🙁

I do think the lack of affection has caused us to be a bit awkward but again that’s mainly in his part. I’m still (or was), showing affection. Left to him we wouldn’t so much a kiss for days .

Reading this made me feel really sad

Me too

You need to talk to him about it.

I’ve tried. He says he’s stressed at work & tired. And I believe him & of it was just sex I’d not be posting here but this morning was just odd.

Have you actually talk to him? What does he say?

Hope there isn’t another woman xx

I’ve said I feel undesired and he’s said of course I desire you I’m just tired and stressed lately. I said you’ve never said no a HJ before and he said I had things to do this morning and just didn’t feel like it. He then got defensive and said am I not allowed to not feel like sex!
he is of course allowed to not feel like sex but I know this isn’t normal for us.

He could simply be bored of sex with you.
There are so many posts on this with every reason under the sun. Except boredom.

Men, even in a relationship, can view sex as a standalone activity so after say 20 years of what could be t emotionally little more than a long series of one night stands they get bored and cant be bothered anymore.

I agree & especially men who watch porn and think that’s what sex is like normally. But I don’t want to be married to someone who’s bored of me. I’m not perfect but I make a huge effort in all areas of our life together & so I deserve more than boredom!

I think coming at the conversation from an angle of how you feel undesired is a mistake.
I'd want to approach him from a 'are you ok, can we talk about it' angle before loading the conversation with the effect on your emotions first and foremost (obviously that's one of the effects of this issue, but surely the root cause and if he's ok should be Q.1).
As soon as you centre your emotions on his lack of performance/interest, you shut down how open and honest he can be because the implication is that his response needs to reassure you.

@witnessprotection73 Has it occured to you that he might be telling the truth?

If a woman was on here saying she was stressed out and not feeling it and her husband was bugging her for sex, then the husband would be getting crucified for it.

We're men, we're not mindless animals who always want sex no matter what going on. I've gone through the occasional period where I'm just not into it, as have most men, and with me it usually was due to stress.

Just because your husband got an erection this morning, it doesn't mean he actually wanted sex. A physical response does not equal consent in a man any more than it does in a woman.

You say you offered a no strings attached hand job this morning, but that's not really true is it. He knows you're not feeling desired at the moment, he knows he's not providing what you need right now. If he accepts that hand job then he's going to feel guilty that he's not reciprocating when he knows that's what you're after.

If you love and trust him, and it sounds like you do, then maybe accept that he's going through his own stuff right now and pressuring him probably isn't helping.

Agree with this, the dip in sex could to attributed to almost anything, but opening with how it makes you feel is going to put him on the defensive back foot no matter what the reason really is, and you are less likely to get a genuine response

*Has he been watching a lot of porn lately?

Probably! I know he watches after I’ve gone to bed. I don’t care but could that be it?*

Yes, absolutely it could. And you can have all the talks with him that PPs are urging, but he's unlikely to be honest about it.

Once a fortnight isn't too bad in the general scheme of things - but I feel your sadness and worry. Coupled with diminishing affection in general, you feel like your relationship may be losing its inner strength?

However ... I also agree with the PP who advised to be careful you're not accidentally turning into a sex pest! If he's feeling insecure or otherwise anxious about some other part of his life, then what he needs from you probably isn't a hand job. How good are you at gently encouraging him to open up? Would he be more relaxed over dinner at a restaurant, on a walk, in the car?

Other than that, porn can definitely put the user off real sex. The mainstream stuff gets more extreme & less humane with each passing year, and of course the algorithms keep pushing towards even harsher content. Knocking one out with your own well-practised hand, while shockingly vivid images barrel into the primal recesses of your brain, has a forceful impact quite different from the messy & squidgy realities of body-to-body sex with a human you care for.

Has the quality or nature of your sexual interactions changed, do you think?

I'm not saying he couldn't be seeing someone else, or thinking about it so much that his mind's already there. Just that it's far from a foregone conclusion.

As usual with relationship issues, the starting point has to be some real talk. Not specifically about your sex life or your feeling of abandonment but where you're at, both individually and together. See how that develops.

I'm not sure how long you've been together, but having sex once a fortnight isn't especially infrequent, especially if it's only been the case for two months!...
Most long-term relationships will have spells, or even lengthy periods, when sex at this frequency or less is the norm. A long-term marriage where the frequency of sex never drops off is very rare indeed!

The responses are another instance of MN double-standards... If this post was written by a man about his wife then he's be the one being berated with comments like "once a fortnight should be enough" and "you should be doing more around the home".

And can you imagine the response if a man posted that he offered his wife a "no-strings attached fingering" and couldn't understand why she said no. I mean, the guy would be crucified!

I think some women are socialised to think that all men are insatiable sex machines at all times and in all places, and are very entitled in expecting sex to be available to them whenever they happen to want it.... because frankly in their younger years it has been.

And then, when the years progress it becomes an almighty shock when they have to come to terms with it when it's not, which is what most men came to terms with in their teens! Most women don't think like this, but some women, such as you OP, seem to.

I think coming at the conversation from an angle of how you feel undesired is a mistake.

Another instance of "turn this around and imagine a mean writing this" and you see how wrong and entitled you are being.

Man not mean

I agree @gerbilcrocus

Porn. You don’t do it for him now unfortunately.

It could be as simple as him not liking HJs. Not many guys do. It's a very personal thing, and while mouths and vaginas are smooth and luxurious (generally), HJs are 99% of the time, awkward and 'clunky'. You're never going to get it quite like his own hand.

Truth be told, I'd be pushing my wife off too if she started one, and I have never heard a guy liking them. They say they do so as not to make the woman feel dejected, but often really do not like them. They're fine in the first moments of dating where lust is taking over and you just want the girl 'there', but I'd imagine it's akin to those awkward times when a man tries to reach down into your jeans in a hallway etc..

Basically, I wouldn't read too much into it.

And I agree with all the double-standard comments. A man should be able to say no without fear of being accused of infidelity, ED, death grip (a MN ridiculous favourite) etc, as much as a woman should be able to say no. If a woman said no, this same man would be labelled a sex pest, the 'r-word' would be brought up, "you're not just a c*m bucket", dtb etc etc.

DH completely shut off from me when he started to get ED. He wouldn't see the GP and had a bad reaction to Viagra that he got over the counter. Turns out that he had an undiagnosed heart condition... so I would encourage a visit to the GP to have a check over. Stress can have a huge physical effect on the body too.

And watching porn isn't healthy for many relationships. It doesn't involve any effort, is quick and men often end up with issues with grip that means normal sex doesn't feel right. I would also suggest he has a period of abstinence from watching it and see if that helps. Google death grip from porn!

As someone in a sexless marriage, I sympathise. It doesn't do much for your self esteem. We often try, then he gets stroppy and sulks.. so I do everything to avoid it which then isn't right either.... I never imagined this would be my life in my early 50s.