Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fight with husband 8 week old baby

55 replies

yvonneb13 · 15/04/2023 13:01

Me and DH have been fighting now for 2 days now because apparently "what do I do all day" we gave a 8 week old and yes I've let the house work slide and washing well today it came to a head because he asked me that question I'm so angry and upset because I'm trying my hardest this coming from the guy who doesn't do any night feeds because he "works" all day don't get me wrong when he's good he's really good he takes the baby and Is a great dad but it's me he seems to have a problem with because "I don't work" the house shopping baby ect should be done.
I AM PISSED OFF MAJORLY. Told him to leave because I don't wanna be around him right now he's went to his friends kinda just want him to stay there for now.

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 15/04/2023 14:21

Do you have any family support? If he took paternity leave dod he not see how difficult it is to manage with a baby?
He is ignorant- literally if he thinks a new mum does nothing.

I just hope you have some family support as you need to feel supported and validated. I suspect he wants to disappear rather than hang around and help with the chores.

Original poster
yvonneb13 · 15/04/2023 14:22

usererror99 · 15/04/2023 14:14

So are you saying you haven't put a single wash or on cleaned the house in 8 weeks?

I have I tidy up and do a bit of washing but I've not finished it and there is a pile it's hard aswell as my DS is so clingy can only put him down when he's proper proper asleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
yvonneb13 · 15/04/2023 14:23

Livinghappy · 15/04/2023 14:21

Do you have any family support? If he took paternity leave dod he not see how difficult it is to manage with a baby?
He is ignorant- literally if he thinks a new mum does nothing.

I just hope you have some family support as you need to feel supported and validated. I suspect he wants to disappear rather than hang around and help with the chores.

I agree I now thing he's picked an argument so he can now go off with his mate. I'm honestly past caring the past while he has been out has been the least stressed I've been all day.

OP posts:
Eggseggseverywhere · 15/04/2023 14:23

Tell him you are job hunting and how does he see 50/50 with childcare and housework being shared out...

BananaBlue · 15/04/2023 14:23

usererror99 · 15/04/2023 14:14

So are you saying you haven't put a single wash or on cleaned the house in 8 weeks?

What’s the problem if she hasn’t?

Has he done any of that in 8 weeks, regardless of whether he is at work or not?

Original poster
yvonneb13 · 15/04/2023 14:24

Eggseggseverywhere · 15/04/2023 14:23

Tell him you are job hunting and how does he see 50/50 with childcare and housework being shared out...

Thing is I do have a full time job I'm just on mat leave. I think now he just wanted to go out with his pal because it's a nice day and go sit in a beer garden but thought he "wouldn't be aloud" so he's picked an argument and pissed out anyway.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2023 14:26

You really need to leave him with the baby alone, don't sort bottles or anything out just leave him to it for 2/3 days.

bussteward · 15/04/2023 14:28

usererror99 · 15/04/2023 14:14

So are you saying you haven't put a single wash or on cleaned the house in 8 weeks?

It’s not any old eight weeks, though, is it. It’s the first eight weeks of parenthood with your fanny on fire and the lochia party refusing to stop and a tiny baby whose approach to sleep is pure chaos and whose favourite thing is “hold me so you only have one hand to do things”. Anyone who’s just given birth should be allowed to skip a bit of washing and have a sit down instead; eight weeks is a minimum, frankly.

Original poster
yvonneb13 · 15/04/2023 14:31

Just to clarify I have tidied and done washing the past 8 weeks it just piles up so quickly and I don't have time to get to nitty gritty (skirting boards) ect.. but the house is tidy and I do hoover and make beds

OP posts:
loopyloutoo · 15/04/2023 14:41

Feel for you OP - my baby is two weeks older and I can't manage to clean or get on top of anything. If my husband said that, I'd absolutely throttle him.

Original poster
yvonneb13 · 15/04/2023 14:43

loopyloutoo · 15/04/2023 14:41

Feel for you OP - my baby is two weeks older and I can't manage to clean or get on top of anything. If my husband said that, I'd absolutely throttle him.

Very close to it he's still out probs won't expect him back any time soon.

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/04/2023 14:53

I never cease to be amazed by how many adult males genuinely don't seem to understand that babies are a lot of hard work. How dim or denying of the obvious must they be? Would they also go out in the pouring rain and be astonished to find that they get wet?!

As PP said, does it not occur to them why maternity leave is very much A Thing whilst 'cleaning your house leave' doesn't actually exist?

I suppose we're back to the kind of man who thinks that a baby is nothing more than a little hobby for the wife; have a bit of fun with it until you lose interest, and then put it away in a box for next time when you get bored or have something else (non-urgent) that needs to be done.

Outwiththenorm · 15/04/2023 14:54

This is so sad. DH and I had plenty of arguments pre DC about division of household tasks etc (both work full time) but that all stopped when DC were born. He was great with newborn DS, worked full time but came home and got straight in to cooking, cleaning, taking care and playing with baby. Now whatever needs doing just gets done by whoever is free (not always to my standard admittedly but that's been my learning curve 😏). We're far from perfect and I hope this post doesn't come across as boastful - this should just be the bare minimum imho.

diddl · 15/04/2023 15:06

8weeks?

I was still sleeping as much as possible then.

Bfeeding so doing all feeds.

Sometimes 2 hourly at night.

Husband used to eat lunch in the works canteen so I only had to cook for me in the week.

He cooked & shopped at weekends so that I didn't have to.

So feed myself, wash up & try & keep on top of the laundry & ironing & run the hoover around occasionally.

So as little as possible basically!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/04/2023 15:18

I never cease to be amazed by how many adult males genuinely don't seem to understand that babies are a lot of hard work.

Actually, there are a fair few females too (although obviously not the mothers), who also seem to think it might be nice to 'pop in' unexpected as 'you're just at home with the baby, you aren't busy'.

turtlemurtle1982 · 15/04/2023 15:21

My dc was a very easy baby, but wanted to be on me or entertained by 8 weeks. Realised by this stage that I was better going out for most of the day, which I did as I couldn't get much housework done anyway. I was lucky that I met a lovely bunch of mummies and would spend the day walking or sitting in cafes. Dh was just happy that we were happy. Housework got done later, but tbh apart from extra washing I didn't see an increase in housework (at this age until about a year).

Channellingsophistication · 15/04/2023 15:26

I think next weekend you need to leave him to it with a list of jobs. I know it will be hard leaving your baby. But it’s the only way he is going to understand what it’s actually like with a small baby. Otherwise, when you go back to work, you’ll still be doing it all as well…..

You may also wish to remind him that you have done the most physical thing a person can possibly ever do, 8 weeks ago.

HarrietStyles · 15/04/2023 16:28

100% you need to book yourself an overnight hotel break next weekend. If you are breastfeeding pump and freeze enough milk for that time. Go anywhere for 24hours on your own, even if it’s just a cheap Travelodge to sleep and recharge your batteries. The only way he will find out “what you do all day” is to experience it for himself.

Goldbar · 15/04/2023 16:47

Stand your ground.

This is how inequality becomes entrenched and relationships die.

The woman on mat leave takes on all the household stuff and the man going to work becomes used to having the full-time nanny/housekeeper/cook service.

Problem is... they expect it to continue when you're back at work.

And eventually you ask yourself, what is the point of them? Because you earn money, do the childcare and do the house stuff.

And it's a short step from that to ditching the extra child.

Maybe point that out to him?

If he wants your relationship to survive, now (when you're vulnerable, recovering and exhausted) is the time for him to step up. Regardless of what he thinks (in his one-dimensional view of things) is "fair".

PaigeMatthews · 15/04/2023 16:54

the guy who doesn't do any night feeds because he "works" all day

I now think he's picked an argument so he can now go off with his mate

he's really good he takes the baby and Is a great dad

what makes him a great dad and different from a bog standard dad?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2023 17:02

How is this man a great dad; the bar for this seems remarkably low here when it comes to your good self.

Women also in poor relationships often write the "good dad" comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

SquidwardBound · 15/04/2023 17:08

It so often appears that the bar for ‘good dad’ is on the floor. Occasionally doing some of the fun bits when it suits seems to constitute extraordinary parenting effort worthy of accolades. 🙄

@Goldbar is exactly right. This stuff is exactly how relationships die. You learn that they simply aren’t there for you when you’re vulnerable (in fact, they are making it harder for you) and then recognise that you are doing it all anyway and it would be easier without someone else who expects you to look after them (but is harder work than a child because you can’t just tell them to do things).

GrazingSheep · 15/04/2023 17:11

He’s useless.
Don’t have another child with him.

Bluepolkadots42 · 15/04/2023 17:34

Why don't you say to him that clearly it isn't working as things stand so you've looked into Nannies and night nannies so you can go back to work and so far quotes are coming in as £xyz. I'm pretty sure once he realises how much your unpaid labour is saving the family he'll stfu quite quickly. The entitlement of some men whingeing about housework slipping when they're doing 8 hours work a day whilst you're there doing 24/7 baby work is a sick joke.
I would tell him if he isn't happy then he can either do housework himself or pay out for cleaner

SunflowerTed · 15/04/2023 17:36

usererror99 · 15/04/2023 14:14

So are you saying you haven't put a single wash or on cleaned the house in 8 weeks?

This is what I thought?!