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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would you feel about these comments?

27 replies

ADHDadvice · 15/04/2023 10:45

So this isn't a 'should I kick off' message, just genuinely trying to understand how other people would feel.

I have a medical condition that I have to take daily medication for and see a consultant on a monthly basis. I'm currently on a new set of drugs which has made me put on a lot of weight over the last 12 months or so. I'm usually a healthy BMI.

I'm now overweight. Holidays have been hard etc but if I don't continue with trying out this drug, my condition could get worse or I'd have to change meds again which is a pain.

My Mum knows all this. Everytime we meet up she finds some way to tell me that my weight isn't my fault, it's definitely down to the meds. She also tells other people (even random acquaintances in shops) and I feel like she's embarrassed of me and trying to 'justify' my weight.

On the other hand, she's not wrong, I am overweight. I think she thinks she's doing a nice thing by explaining to me and everyone else that I'm not fat because of something I do/did.

Would this bother you?

OP posts:

Cleoforever · 15/04/2023 10:53

It would if she continued to do it despite me talking to her and asking her not to.

have you?

is the weight gain very substantial?

Original poster

ADHDadvice · 15/04/2023 10:55

I haven't directly raised it yet. I wanted to see if I was being oversensitive I guess?

I'm 5'11, used to weigh just under 12ish stone, now I'm 14 stone so 2ish stones over 12 months so quite a bit added

OP posts:

BlueKaftan · 15/04/2023 10:55

She’s trying to explain it on your behalf and her own behalf because she’s embarrassed and probably thinks you are as well.

Original poster

ADHDadvice · 15/04/2023 10:56

This is what I think too @BlueKaftan

The more she says it though, the more embarrassed I'm getting. It just reminds me of my weight everytime and the fact she thinks I'm 'big' as she puts it.

She's right though so maybe I shouldn't be so bothered by it?

OP posts:

Meadowflower2023 · 15/04/2023 11:02

I think the next time she does it to a stranger I'd have to whisper in her ear 'please can we not discuss my weight to random strangers, it makes me uncomfortable'
I personally think it's quite rude and imo the fact you're 5'11 and 14 stone isn't huge by any stretch and I'm sure you carry it well without any explanation needed to anyone ever! xx

Cleoforever · 15/04/2023 11:03

What medication is this?

Your GP would be alarmed and concerned at any medication causing such a rapid and substantial weight gain.

Cleoforever · 15/04/2023 11:04

You are not comfortable with it. And that is all you need to know re whether you should raise it (no drama just over a coffee) as something you would like her to stop doing

StreamingCervix · 15/04/2023 11:08

I think there’s two issues in raising it directly with you, and raising it with external people.

if she was just expressing it to you then I could understand that she may be trying to be supportive, and was being clumsy by raising it multiple times.

once she brings other people into it, then it does seem to be about making a value judgement.

80s · 15/04/2023 11:15

It wouldn't bother me for long because I'd tell her not to keep doing it after the 2nd time at the latest :)
It's honestly never appropriate to bring up someone's size - they'd have to mention it first - but maybe your mum grew up with someone doing the same? Just fill her in?

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2023 11:19

It’s pretty rude to discuss anyone’s weight unless you’re a medical professional or a weight-loss consultant, or they specifically ask for your opinion (and even then, it’s a tread carefully conversation). So, regardless of intent, your mum is being rude and you should tell her to stop.

Original poster

ADHDadvice · 15/04/2023 12:00

Cleoforever · 15/04/2023 11:03

What medication is this?

Your GP would be alarmed and concerned at any medication causing such a rapid and substantial weight gain.

My GP and consultant review my health regularly but thank you for your concern

OP posts:

Original poster

ADHDadvice · 15/04/2023 12:05

Thanks for your views. I don't want to make a big deal about it because I genuinely think she's doing a nice thing?

OP posts:

PousseyNotMoira · 15/04/2023 12:06

ADHDadvice · 15/04/2023 12:05

Thanks for your views. I don't want to make a big deal about it because I genuinely think she's doing a nice thing?

Asking someone to please stop doing something isn’t making a big deal about it.

80s · 15/04/2023 12:09

Don't make a big deal of it. Just say "People don't care what size I am, Mum. There's no need to mention it."

Cleoforever · 15/04/2023 12:12

ADHDadvice · 15/04/2023 12:05

Thanks for your views. I don't want to make a big deal about it because I genuinely think she's doing a nice thing?

Who is suggesting you make a big deal out of this?

TrishM80 · 15/04/2023 12:21

Yeah it would bother me. Just tell her "stop mentioning my fucking weight to every Tom, Dick and Harry we meet!"

80s · 15/04/2023 12:23

TrishM80 · 15/04/2023 12:21

Yeah it would bother me. Just tell her "stop mentioning my fucking weight to every Tom, Dick and Harry we meet!"

yes, this would be actually closer to what came out of my mouth too :D

Original poster

ADHDadvice · 15/04/2023 12:31

I know I sound like such a wet blanket!

I'm genuinely not but I think I'm a little sensitive about my weight so feel like I'm drawing unnecessary attention to it by flagging my Mum bringing unnecessary attention to it 🙄I know I'm massively overthinking it

OP posts:

80s · 15/04/2023 12:47

Ignoring the weight issue, your mum shouldn't be telling other people what medication you're on...

Cleoforever · 15/04/2023 15:28

She’s concerned about what other think

but has she expressed any actual concern about the rapid weight gain to… you

Watchkeys · 15/04/2023 15:50

I wanted to see if I was being oversensitive I guess

Who decides for us what the 'correct' level of sensitivity is, @ADHDadvice ?

Dery · 15/04/2023 18:51

@80s has nailed it: this - “Don't make a big deal of it. Just say "People don't care what size I am, Mum. There's no need to mention it."”

She isn’t doing a nice thing. She’s actually being really unkind. Firstly, given your height, I suspect your weight scarcely shows. But even if it did - so what? What your mum is doing is telling everyone (including you) that she thinks you look overweight and - more to the point - that your appearance needs to be “explained”, in some way. It’s not nice, at all. How can you think it is, OP? It’s a ghastly way to behave. Your mum should be ashamed of herself.

Whereismyfairytale · 15/04/2023 18:56

Dery · 15/04/2023 18:51

@80s has nailed it: this - “Don't make a big deal of it. Just say "People don't care what size I am, Mum. There's no need to mention it."”

This, your mum is definitely not doing a nice thing at all.

Seaoftroubles · 15/04/2023 20:13

She is being unkind and very insensitive. l would say 'When we go out stop drawing attention to my weight. It's embarrassing for me and for the person you are speaking to'. If she doesn't listen stop going out with her, and tell her why.

barmycatmum · 15/04/2023 20:48

It sounds like she’s trying to protect you.

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