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Relationships

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Original poster

Does anyone compromise any more?

41 replies

bathsh3ba · 15/04/2023 09:39

I was brought up to see marriage/a relationship as an equal partnership where, if you love someone, you are willing to compromise. Not to be a doormat, and it shouldn't always be the same person compromising, but that there should be give and take. My parents have a successful and long marriage based on that principle and they have both compromised on matters both big and small over the years.

I'm going to be breaking up with my boyfriend of 18 months next time I see him. One reason is that I feel he expects me to make all the compromises and to fit his life plan. We're both divorced with kids, he wants us to be 'a family' (by which he means see each other all the time, parent each others' kids) but I don't see that we are on our current level of commitment. If we were engaged, lived together or were married, I'd see it differently. But we're not.

In fact, his plan is for us to live together and get engaged in 10 years when the youngest (his) leaves home. I'm not waiting that long, a proper commitment is important to me and I was clear at the outset I don't want to just date.

More than that, his reason is that he won't live with me until I can pay or get a mortgage for 50% of a house because he wants to pay his mortgage off and put 50% cash up.

I am currently fortunate enough to live rent free in a home owned by a family trust. This Trust could sell the house and advance the money for me to buy a house with him but he says no it has to be my money I've earned. (He has a real chip on his shoulder about the family trust). To me it would be pointless to get a mortgage - I already have a secure home and money to support me and my children in the future. (I also work full time in a well paid job and save for the future, I'm not a 'trust fund baby', but I don't want to spend my savings on a house to suit him when he won't compromise.)

I'm confident leaving him is right and I hope one day I'll find someone who won't try to shoehorn me into their life but accepts who I am and my situation and meets me in the middle.

But on this board I see a lot of talk about boundaries that seems to be saying don't compromise. Is this how the world is going? I might be on my own for a very long time if so!

OP posts:

wherearemyEastereggs · 15/04/2023 09:42

Urghh. He sounds hard work. I'd not put up with that attitude.

wherearemyEastereggs · 15/04/2023 09:43

But then what do I know? I'm the wrong side of 45 divorced 2 kids and likely to remain by myself now. Financially sorted but about to start counselling again to come to terms with my life now.

SunflowerTed · 15/04/2023 09:44

correct decision. He sounds a controlling arse who is setting his own rules! Set yourself free !

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2023 09:47

This Trust could sell the house and advance the money for me to buy a house with him but he says no it has to be my money I've earned.

Your problem isn’t compromise OP, it’s that this man is a total arsehole.

The above example is an absolute corker, but there are several in your post.

For the love of god, dump.

Icedlatteplease · 15/04/2023 09:48

You are correct to leave.

Fwiw the family trust protects your interest in a property. I wonder if you marry whether the family trust would deduct its share then the 50/50 would be calculated. From his perspective, his approach might actually be more prudent for him.

Icedlatteplease · 15/04/2023 09:49

But yes your attitude to the situation is correct in terms of the fact it is not in your interest to get a mortgage.

But I do think maybe you need some consideration as to have this interacts with marriage

balconylife · 15/04/2023 09:50

Agree, he is awful, end it and move on. You sound like you are in a very good place (literally and emotionally) so trust your judgement, it seems sound to me!

Expo23 · 15/04/2023 09:54

I'm confident leaving him is right and I hope one day I'll find someone who won't try to shoehorn me into their life but accepts who I am and my situation and meets me in the middle.

I echo all of this. Good luck and don't doubt yourself. Setting boundaries doesn't mean you are incapable of compromise. I see a nuance between stipulations and boundaries. He has offered stipulations.

Icedlatteplease · 15/04/2023 09:57

Sorry to clarify what I mean you are in a sound financially safe arrangement you would be mad to lose.

If you wanted to buy into a house with someone else, in order for the other party to have their contribution recognised you need to be able to define the percentages by which you own the house.

You cannot do that when you are married. When you are married it is 50/50

In your situation there us no way on this earth i would consider marriage

arethereanyleftatall · 15/04/2023 10:00

Two different things.

Firstly, your guy. Well, he's just a bellend, so the compromise question isn't relevant.

Secondly, compromise. Well for some women, (me), maybe they don't want to?
You've spoken about your own parents but that was of a time when women had zero choice other than to marry so of course compromise was required then. Now women have choices, so yes, compromise if need be and have a relationship, or don't and be single. I'd choose the latter, others wouldn't.

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 15/04/2023 10:09

@Icedlatteplease the Trust could choose to gift me the money and then they would have no interest in the house. Alternatively, as when I bought with my ex-husband, we could have a Declaration of Trust drawn up. The better option might depend on the situation of my partner at the time. Eg if he had his own property, that could be protected.

I get people saying don't marry. But personally I want to either be single or marry, not a casual, dating or just living together situation. And I'd like to remarry. But with the right person we would find a solution to these things.

OP posts:

ruddygreattiger · 15/04/2023 10:17

Correct decision to dump him op.
Everything is on his terms aren't they?

I recently ended a relationship where he wanted to blend our families but all the compromises seemed to be on my side with no promises or guarantees that my life would be in any way better in the future.
I was expected to fit around him and his kids and after bending over backwards (as a people pleaser) I realised how much it was affecting my health, finances and free time and called it off.
Personally I feel much better being single and have my own autonomy, if constant compromise is a default in relationships then I am at peace with being single.
My marriage was a constant compromise too so to me it's a recurring theme that the woman is supposed to be the facilitator for everything. Fuck that shit.

Good luck op, you will feel such a sense of relief to be the captain of your own ship.

AncientToaster · 15/04/2023 10:18

The delay of 10 years that’s a long time so that alone is enough to break up, you sound more like a will do unless something better comes along GF.

However at a mature age wanting the housing cost split 50/50 in case of a break up I can see why he wants that but the chip on the shoulder and it has to be your money is weird. If I was ever single again protecting my assets would be the number one thing I would do if I was contemplating ever living with someone again.

You would be crazy to give up free housing.

tanjaav · 15/04/2023 10:21

Sounds like you are probably making a correct and considered decision in your situation seeing as your guy is not willing to compromise or even see your point of view.

But to your general point, I agree that too much of the advice on these boards seems to be simply "get rid" rather than trying to understand the reasons for any poor behaviour on the part of other halves. Especially in the case of marriages where I still believe there can be a lot of merit in working through rough patches.

Isheabastard · 15/04/2023 10:24

I think the amount of compromise in a relationship depends on wether one person is more dominant than the other.

The ‘stronger’ personality will over time be less willing to compromise if they know the can persuade/bully their partner.

MaJolie · 15/04/2023 10:30

arethereanyleftatall · 15/04/2023 10:00

Two different things.

Firstly, your guy. Well, he's just a bellend, so the compromise question isn't relevant.

Yes, exactly. OP, obviously this man is ridiculous and you should end things and find someone better, but what alarms me is that you stayed with this person for a full year and a half.

I appreciate that some of his bizarre fixed ideas won’t have emerged immediately, but surely the arrogance that actually expects you to take on a huge debt for his benefit and to hang about until he deigns to get engaged to you in a decade (!) hasn’t come out of the blue?

I don’t think this is actually about compromise at all — this is an incredibly arrogant individual who is simply unable to consider anyone other than himself. If he loved you, he would know that his ‘plans’ require stupid sacrifices from you and benefit only him.

Anklespraying · 15/04/2023 10:34

He's offering you the opportunity to parent his children provided you pay for the pleasure of doing so. He won't have to pay anything as you will be working to pay for half of his kids home that you and your kids don't need.

That's not a compromise!

Icedlatteplease · 15/04/2023 10:37

Declaration of trust has no legal standing once married and you'd be mad to buy as yourself

BitOutOfPractice · 15/04/2023 10:37

other people have said stuff about the house so I won’t. I’ll just say that yiyr post is all “he wants..” and “he says…”. Nowhere have you said you love him, you want to spend the rest of your life with him, you adore his kids. You just say you want to “be married” and he seems to just be the closest available man. What do you want op. Apart from to “be married”? Do you want to be married to this man? Do you even like him?

i think you have done thinking to do.

And protect your own money and security at all costs

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 15/04/2023 10:45

@BitOutOfPractice no I don't want to be married to him, which is why I'm ending it.

I do want to remarry one day, and I don't think that desire is a bad thing. But it has to be with the right person. He's not it.

OP posts:

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 15/04/2023 10:53

I have to say I thought I'd have more to worry about from cocklodgers wanting to move into my house than his stance...

@Icedlatteplease I know, but the Declaration of Trust was honoured in my divorce. If my main aim in life was to squirrel away money and protect assets, I wouldn't remarry. But it isn't. I won't risk the roof over my head, my future security or that of my kids but there is enough money in the Trust, that cannot be touched in a divorce, to secure that anyway. I'm not boasting and I know I'm very very lucky. I'm just explaining why it's not my no. 1 priority.

OP posts:

Ooolaaaala · 15/04/2023 11:00

I can understand why it has taken 18 months to get to this point - I doubt he was laying these demands all out on the table on day one - classic ‘reeling you in’ I suspect and it’s not really the focus to discuss complex financial blending in the first year when you need to work out if your core personal values are aligned.

Seems that yours are not which ever way you slice the financial cake.

I wonder why his first marriage broke down.

Well done you

BitOutOfPractice · 15/04/2023 11:17

bathsh3ba · 15/04/2023 10:45

@BitOutOfPractice no I don't want to be married to him, which is why I'm ending it.

I do want to remarry one day, and I don't think that desire is a bad thing. But it has to be with the right person. He's not it.

That was my point entirely. The money / house issue seems to me a bit of a red herring here, since you don’t actually like him very much.

and “being married to someone I love and respect and who loves and respects me” seems a better ambition than simply “being married” doesn’t it? That seems like an odd desire to me.

anyway, glad you’re throwing him back. Sounds to me like he’s looking for a housekeeper / nanny rather than a wife.

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 15/04/2023 11:23

@BitOutOfPractice to me that was implied in the right person bit!

I suppose what I mean is that I'm not interested in dating unless the end goal is marriage. That doesn't mean I want to be married at all costs or that I don't also want an equal partnership with love and respect and romance.

OP posts:

Ooolaaaala · 15/04/2023 11:42

What will you do if he does start to ‘compromise’ - when you finish it - maybe saying 5 years etc?

If you give him too many details / reasons he might well start digging into those - than if you just said - not feeling it - life goals / values not aligned?

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