Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Does anyone compromise any more?

41 replies

bathsh3ba · 15/04/2023 09:39

I was brought up to see marriage/a relationship as an equal partnership where, if you love someone, you are willing to compromise. Not to be a doormat, and it shouldn't always be the same person compromising, but that there should be give and take. My parents have a successful and long marriage based on that principle and they have both compromised on matters both big and small over the years.

I'm going to be breaking up with my boyfriend of 18 months next time I see him. One reason is that I feel he expects me to make all the compromises and to fit his life plan. We're both divorced with kids, he wants us to be 'a family' (by which he means see each other all the time, parent each others' kids) but I don't see that we are on our current level of commitment. If we were engaged, lived together or were married, I'd see it differently. But we're not.

In fact, his plan is for us to live together and get engaged in 10 years when the youngest (his) leaves home. I'm not waiting that long, a proper commitment is important to me and I was clear at the outset I don't want to just date.

More than that, his reason is that he won't live with me until I can pay or get a mortgage for 50% of a house because he wants to pay his mortgage off and put 50% cash up.

I am currently fortunate enough to live rent free in a home owned by a family trust. This Trust could sell the house and advance the money for me to buy a house with him but he says no it has to be my money I've earned. (He has a real chip on his shoulder about the family trust). To me it would be pointless to get a mortgage - I already have a secure home and money to support me and my children in the future. (I also work full time in a well paid job and save for the future, I'm not a 'trust fund baby', but I don't want to spend my savings on a house to suit him when he won't compromise.)

I'm confident leaving him is right and I hope one day I'll find someone who won't try to shoehorn me into their life but accepts who I am and my situation and meets me in the middle.

But on this board I see a lot of talk about boundaries that seems to be saying don't compromise. Is this how the world is going? I might be on my own for a very long time if so!

OP posts:

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 15/04/2023 11:47

I don't think he will try to compromise, I think he'll just accept it.

But I've made my mind up anyway. This wasn't the only reason. My parents think he's controlling, my friends also see red flags.

OP posts:

labamba007 · 15/04/2023 11:59

Why on earth does he want it to be money you've earned? What difference does it make? Either way, you're making the right decision by the sounds of it!

Inthebathagain · 15/04/2023 12:14

I agree you're making the right decision ending things.

I also agree with the, what feels like, militant stance here in MN about not compromising and only setting your sites on Mr Ideal who does all you want and gives all you need without you making any compromise.

jsku · 15/04/2023 12:15

I think you are romanticising marriage and commitment.
I think - especially having kids and having been through divorce - people learn to separate that. And it is absolutely possible to be committed and share a life without complications of marriage.
Marriage is a largely financial arrangement created to entangle and protect assets. It is not a guarantee of enduring feelings as we all know.

Personally - I am reluctant to remarry. And certainly won’t in the next several years as it’s financially disadvantageous for me. It doesn’t make me any less committed to my partner though. We have been together for a few years, share a life, have plans for the future, etc. On balance - he is probably more a romantic and probably would have preferred we married - but he is also an adult and understands where I am coming from. Maybe it’s the compromise you are talking about.

That said - the guy you are with has some big hang ups about you. The whole - it has to be money ‘you earned’ Vs family money - is just plain weird. And I am sure he has more rigidity and inflexibility in life otherwise as well.

Stratocumulus · 15/04/2023 12:32

I love your strength of character. Gosh, it’s so refreshing to read a post built on a strong decision and well thought out intelligent plans. I’d love to be like you but I’m inclined to people please and in past relationships have hated myself for the compromises I’ve endured.
You go girl. Good luck to you.

EarthSight · 15/04/2023 13:43

In fact, his plan is for us to live together and get engaged in 10 years when the youngest (his) leaves home

Hahahahahahahah. Good try, but no, he can fuck off with that nonsense. That really comes across like he's trying t extract childcare from you and make his life easier without giving you legal protection beforehand. Jesus, the check of him.

mbosnz · 15/04/2023 14:26

He doesn't want you to compromise, he wants you to 'sit, stay, roll over, beg, and play dead'.

perfectcolourfound · 15/04/2023 15:27

FWIW I agree with your parents and friends - he's controlling. You're doing the right thing.

In response to your initial question - compromise is a healthy relationship tool (any relationship, not just romantic). But you have to know what you're willing to compromise on and where your boundaries are, and you must respect the other person's boundaries too. And the compromising is well-balanced in a healthy relationship, it isn't always one doing the compromising. That isn't compromise - it's someone always selfishly getting their own way. By definition, compromise involves both parties giving something up.

Watchkeys · 15/04/2023 15:52

I don't think you should base your views of 'how relationships are' on the MN relationships board. It's peopled with complaints. The happy people who respect themselves and each other are comfortably compromising, away from relationship forums.

gerbilcrocus · 15/04/2023 15:55

tanjaav · 15/04/2023 10:21

Sounds like you are probably making a correct and considered decision in your situation seeing as your guy is not willing to compromise or even see your point of view.

But to your general point, I agree that too much of the advice on these boards seems to be simply "get rid" rather than trying to understand the reasons for any poor behaviour on the part of other halves. Especially in the case of marriages where I still believe there can be a lot of merit in working through rough patches.

I agree. Compromise is often seen as a dirty word, but it's inevitable in any happy long term relationship. It's completely unrealistic to expect your wants and needs to precisely match those of your partner at all times, even more so when children are involved.

The issue is whether the compromises you are making make your life more content and fulfilled than it would be if you left the relationship. Only you can answer that.

username1722 · 15/04/2023 16:06

I think people do compromise but not to the extent they used to. We live in a more modern world where there is much more of an emphasis on independence and not settling for less than you deserve. Back then, having a marriage and kids was seen as the "thing" that you should be doing, so of course people compromised more to achieve it. Whereas now, people can wait longer to find the right one, or be happy alone.

In terms of your situation, I don't think it's so much a situation of compromise. It's more that you both have very different long-term goals that unfortunately were not laid out on the table earlier on. He sounds odd though so you're definitely doing the right thing.

RememberNancyDrew · 15/04/2023 18:23

From what I've seen (I'm old), once there are pre-existing children involved - and the dad still has a relationship with the children from the prior marriage - the chances of these dads marrying again are greatly reduced. If they still like their children and have contact with them, then they want to pass their assets to them and not to a subsequent wife. The subsequent wife relationship (if any) is more transactional. The nature of the compromises change.

frozendaisy · 15/04/2023 18:34

Me & H compromise.
All the time.
Sometimes it actually turns out better if I do. And I do admit that, as does he.

The "has to be money you earned" nonsense. Money is money. It's just money. Yes it's important but it's the life you build around it which is where the colour lies.

You are right to walk away he's not the right one.

ChristmasFluff · 15/04/2023 18:40

Boundaries are whatv allow you to compormise. They are a definition of your values - the things you are not prepared to compromise on.

Everything else is up for compromise.

Otherwise, if you are prepared to compromise on anything, you lose yourself to the relationship, and find yourself going against your own values - and that is what is happening for you now. Marriage is important to you, and so you should not compromise that.

OnaBegonia · 15/04/2023 18:45

18 mths in and he's dictating how you manage your finances, well done in getting rid.

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 17/04/2023 15:36

It's done - all over. He started an argument over WhatsApp so I just told him it wasn't working and we've agreed this is it.

Single in time for my 41st birthday, yay...

OP posts:

Flip

1 2