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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My son just swore at me

46 replies

morethanspice · 15/04/2023 08:02

My son age 22 lives with me, he moved with me after I got divorced. He’s the only one of my children who has contact with my abusive ex. He’s just sworn at me for asking him to keep a door shut to stop a cat escaping. I don’t think I want to share living space with anyone who tells me to fuck off…

OP posts:
TheKobayashiMaru · 15/04/2023 08:03

Tell him that you won't accept such behaviour and if he swears at you again, he can pack his bags.

TeeBee · 15/04/2023 08:03

Just tell him off then!

Original poster
morethanspice · 15/04/2023 08:09

Just telling him off is pointless. He’s learned this behaviour from a young age unfortunately. Mostly we get on alright but he sees us as equals in this house but I’m the tenant not him and it’s my home. He doesn’t accept that. So doesn’t see why he should do things my way. To be fair I rarely ask him to do anything it’s not like I’m always fussing about something

OP posts:
creaamontop · 15/04/2023 08:32

If you've got him to 22 before he's told you to fuck off then you're doing well. It's not ideal, my dd2 has gone through a stage of mimicking her abusive dads behaviour towards me but believe me it was much worse than that. He's 22 and an adult, it's an easy one, tell him to make his choice.

Original poster
morethanspice · 15/04/2023 08:42

its far from the first time but in the last year or two since the separation it’s been alright but today was like a horrible reminder of the time when I couldn’t decide who was more horrible to me, me husband or my son. I’ve just told him I won’t accept being sworn at and he’s shut his door in my face

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2023 08:44

He needs to leave, letting him stay will just give him the green light to keep swearing at you.
It's not OK, don't put up with it.

Noicant · 15/04/2023 08:46

He needs to leave, you will do him (and any woman he ends up with) no favours by allowing him to treat you like this. He’s 22 not a child anymore.

CiderJolly · 15/04/2023 08:48

Horrible behaviour but you’ve made it quite clear that this is how he has been raised and this is the kind of behaviour that has been role modelled to him from a young age?

I don’t even know how you’d begin to unpick ingrained behaviour like this. When he has calmed down I would try and talk to him. I’m guessing he has had to witness this kind of aggression throughout his childhood and I do think you have to take some responsibility here too.

Original poster
morethanspice · 15/04/2023 08:51

He’s told me I am awful to live with. So rude apparently! This has triggered me badly, I’ve struggled so hard to overcome feelings of worthlessness and have been through a breakdown and my self esteem gets crushed so easily

OP posts:
Fcuk38 · 15/04/2023 08:51

My goodness I think you could be over reacting. He’s 22 not an 8 year old child and it’s happened once. Have a word with him, if it continues then appropriate action from there.

Dotcheck · 15/04/2023 08:51

No- he doesn’t have to stay with you If he’s going to say that to you.
Does he pay rent/ do chores? Does he work?

Original poster
morethanspice · 15/04/2023 08:57

He pays rent and does help a bit with chores. I think it probably is all my fault but I was trapped in a controlling abusive marriage and it takes time to unravel and the guilt I carry is unbearable at times but I wasn’t the abuser. He’s angry because I’ve asked him to keep the new cat behind a secondary door until it settles in its new home. He likes cats so the cat is not the issue

OP posts:
SorePaw · 15/04/2023 09:00

Fcuk38 · 15/04/2023 08:51

My goodness I think you could be over reacting. He’s 22 not an 8 year old child and it’s happened once. Have a word with him, if it continues then appropriate action from there.

@Fcuk38 try engaging your brain!

she's had YEARS of this abuse from both her Ex & her son. She She eventually got the courage/resources to leave the abuse & create her own safe space & now her son is starting the abuse up again.

@morethanspice

Give him notice in writing. You are the tenant, he's there because you allow him to be, not because he has any right to be there. Show him you can't teach women like shit, like his father. He can either make his own way & go & live with his bastard father. If you don't do this, he'll just ramp up the behaviour because he thinks he can.

follow the eviction through as you would with an abusive flat mate. Tenancy is in YOUR name, don't be 'fragile' show him & yourself you ARE strong! You were strong enough to leave your Ex, you can evict this mini me!!

PousseyNotMoira · 15/04/2023 09:02

So, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to continue to let yet another man treat you abusively and make you feel worthless (he may be your son, but that’s what is happening) or are you going to tell him to leave?

Those appear to be your options.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2023 09:04

He is an adult, just because he is also your son doesn't mean you are obligated to house him, especially if he is verbally abusive and makes you feel like this.

Axahooxa · 15/04/2023 09:05

Has your son had therapy? He’ll be traumatised from seeing the abuse as a child. Did he experience abuse too? I imagine it’s likely.

I don’t think you should be a doormat and accept him swearing at you, but you need to talk to him about it and set boundaries when you’re both calm.

I think you need to shift your perspective too- I agree with your son that you are both equals in your living situation. He’s not a child. How could you make it more equal?

CiderJolly · 15/04/2023 09:06

It sounds to me like you need family counselling, not to throw him out.

Yes he is 22 but he will be damaged by a childhood surrounded by abuse.

The op was the adult here- hard as it is, choices were made. The son had no choice as a child in having to witness abuse. No-one protected him from it or took him out of the situation.

Axahooxa · 15/04/2023 09:11

@CiderJolly agree

MillyMoo1113 · 15/04/2023 09:16

I agree with Cider Jolly but family counselling isn't cheap.

I have the same issue, 20 year old DS forced to move back in with me when he's not at uni, as he could not longer live with his dad who has fucked off to the other end of the country for another woman.

Last night DS and I also argued over one the cats, and he swore at me several times. His behaviour, attitude and langue completely replicates that of his father and the verbal abuse I suffered for years.

I will talk to him today when we are both calmer, but I need him to realise it's not acceptable to behave like that, and that's not easy, as it's what he's grown up with.

Interestingly, DD 18 has always questioned her fathers behaviour from a young age, whereas DS has him on a pedestal. DD barely sees her father now tho

SunflowerTed · 15/04/2023 09:48

Sorry I wouldn’t accept being sworn at. Id talk about respect and let him know that if it happens again he’ll have to find alternative accommodation!

Original poster
morethanspice · 15/04/2023 09:56

MillMoo that’s so similar! My youngest daughter was the one who begged me to split from him. She was the one who found out he was living a double life

OP posts:
Flopsythebunny · 15/04/2023 09:59

Make him leave. You cannot go through all that again with another man no matter who be is.

DrMorbius · 15/04/2023 10:02

What are you asking Op?

Any adult in my house, who doesn't follow my rules and is not civil and respectful at all times, is not welcome in my house.

As it is your DS, sit him down, explain the required acceptable behaviour and give him one chance on the condition he apologises.

ChaToilLeam · 15/04/2023 10:27

DrMorbius · 15/04/2023 10:02

What are you asking Op?

Any adult in my house, who doesn't follow my rules and is not civil and respectful at all times, is not welcome in my house.

As it is your DS, sit him down, explain the required acceptable behaviour and give him one chance on the condition he apologises.

Agree with this. He gets one chance, otherwise he is out. He’s a grown man and if he’s not prepared to behave decently towards you, he needs to go. Be prepared to change the locks.

MillyMoo1113 · 15/04/2023 12:29

morethanspice · 15/04/2023 09:56

MillMoo that’s so similar! My youngest daughter was the one who begged me to split from him. She was the one who found out he was living a double life

My DD saw through him a lot earlier than I did, and suspect his affairs all along even though she doesn't know the truth.

DS seems to forget all the times he made him upset when he was younger.

Am going to talk to DS when he surfaces tho, and only another week til he goes back to uni!