Page 2 | My son just swore at me

morethanspice · 2023-04-15T07:02:08+00:00

My son age 22 lives with me, he moved with me after I got divorced. He’s the only one of my children who has contact with my abusive ex. He’s just sworn at me for asking him to keep a door shut to stop a cat escaping. I don’t think I want to share living space with anyone who tells me to fuck off…

Catshaveiteasy · 15/04/2023 12:40

If you want him to move out, then that's not unreasonable.

My 22 yo swears at me sometimes. She has always had a tendency to get over emotional (ADHD). She knows I don't like it but it isn't a deal breaker for me. In other respects she is a fairly considerate house mate and easy to live with. But I haven't lived through an abusive marriage. So I can understand if it is traumatising for you. What is he like most of the time?

One thing that works for me is to send her WhatsApp messages about issues. In person she readily gets defensive, but by text she is more measured. Even if she doesn't respond by text, I've seen her do so by her actions.

Stratocumulus · 15/04/2023 12:40

YOU are his parent. You will always be his parent.
Sometimes grown ups have to make big decisions which their kids don’t like.
Parent him. Do him a favour. Kick him out into the big wide world.
I assure you, one day he will look back and understand why he had to start making his own way in life.

perfectcolourfound · 15/04/2023 13:14

Whether or not you are 'equals' as far as who's name is on the rent isn't the issue.

His logic seems to be that you are 'equals' which means he can be rude and offensive to you. That isn't how 'equals' works. Equals means sharing the workload and mutual respect.

If he can't show you respect then I'd ask him to leave.

Qilin · 15/04/2023 13:16

morethanspice · 15/04/2023 08:51

He’s told me I am awful to live with. So rude apparently! This has triggered me badly, I’ve struggled so hard to overcome feelings of worthlessness and have been through a breakdown and my self esteem gets crushed so easily

So he moves out. Give him x days to find new accommodation and insist he leaves at that point.

If he can't treat his mum with respect, and finds it awful to live at home anyway, then he leaves - now.

Qilin · 15/04/2023 13:18

Fcuk38 · 15/04/2023 08:51

My goodness I think you could be over reacting. He’s 22 not an 8 year old child and it’s happened once. Have a word with him, if it continues then appropriate action from there.

The op states it's not the first time.
And no, a 22y should not be speaking to and treating his mother in this way. You could give an 8y the benefit of the doubt, but a 23y man definitely knows what he is doing is wrong.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2023 14:38

If he is heading back to uni and his attitude doesn't change before he leaves I'd end the tenancy and move to a one bed place.
Let him know once he has been back at uni though, so he has enough time to sort out another accommodation.

Skybluepinky · 15/04/2023 14:45

Just talk to him about it.

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/04/2023 14:47

TheKobayashiMaru · 15/04/2023 08:03

Tell him that you won't accept such behaviour and if he swears at you again, he can pack his bags.

This.

Pinkbonbon · 15/04/2023 15:42

I'd give him a months notice to leave.
He can go live elsewhere. It'll be better for both of you.

Sod bring abused again.
Make it very clear. Tomorrow after you know he's had dinner, call him into the living room and sit him down. Tell him you love him but he has to move out. 'Because I've lived with an angry man before and won't go through that again. So consider this 6 weeks notice for you to find a new place'

He needs to learn he can't talk to people like that.

Emmamoo89 · 15/04/2023 16:08

CiderJolly · 15/04/2023 09:06

It sounds to me like you need family counselling, not to throw him out.

Yes he is 22 but he will be damaged by a childhood surrounded by abuse.

The op was the adult here- hard as it is, choices were made. The son had no choice as a child in having to witness abuse. No-one protected him from it or took him out of the situation.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Its not easy to get out of one.

Singapore4 · 15/04/2023 16:10

What's the back story OP other than the cat?

OriginalUsername2 · 15/04/2023 16:12

morethanspice · 15/04/2023 08:51

He’s told me I am awful to live with. So rude apparently! This has triggered me badly, I’ve struggled so hard to overcome feelings of worthlessness and have been through a breakdown and my self esteem gets crushed so easily

Tell him it’s not working out. He needs to leave. You’re in another abusive relationship otherwise

Singapore4 · 15/04/2023 16:13

Emmamoo89 · 15/04/2023 16:08

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Its not easy to get out of one.

Show quote history

@CiderJolly has touched a nerve for me. I can relate to the poster saying the child had no choice but to witness abuse.

It's true and as a parent there is no point saying its not easy. It's bloody neglect. Have YOU got experience as a child?

sotiredofbeingshoutedat · 15/04/2023 16:43

I'm in a similar situation but my ds is also violent and aggressive not just swearing. Everyone says on these threads just tell them to leave and change the locks. If only it were that easy!

For one thing have you ever told someone to leave your house and they've just refused? I've been in an abusive relationship before and they've refused to leave and you can't phsyically remove someone from your house if they are refusing to leave. And no, calling the police doesn't help it just makes things worse.

Secondly, it's different when it's your own child. Even if they've grown up to be an aggressive drug user, they're still your child.

I've told mine that it's time for him to move out, I won't tolerate drug use and violence any longer. But he's not working and can't afford to move out. I'm on minimum wage and can barely cover my own rent and bills. I don't have the money to pay rent or deposit or help him to move out.

I've tried asking the council homeless people but they won't help unless he is sleeping rough. I've looked on spare room and tried to save up some money to pay the deposit and first month but they all want someone who is employed. I've tried downsizing to a one bedroom place so that I can tell him I'm moving out and he can't come with me but I can't do that either as even if I could save up enough for deposit and moving costs, I can't pass the affordability and credit checks for a new rental.

PousseyNotMoira · 15/04/2023 17:34

sotiredofbeingshoutedat · 15/04/2023 16:43

I'm in a similar situation but my ds is also violent and aggressive not just swearing. Everyone says on these threads just tell them to leave and change the locks. If only it were that easy!

For one thing have you ever told someone to leave your house and they've just refused? I've been in an abusive relationship before and they've refused to leave and you can't phsyically remove someone from your house if they are refusing to leave. And no, calling the police doesn't help it just makes things worse.

Secondly, it's different when it's your own child. Even if they've grown up to be an aggressive drug user, they're still your child.

I've told mine that it's time for him to move out, I won't tolerate drug use and violence any longer. But he's not working and can't afford to move out. I'm on minimum wage and can barely cover my own rent and bills. I don't have the money to pay rent or deposit or help him to move out.

I've tried asking the council homeless people but they won't help unless he is sleeping rough. I've looked on spare room and tried to save up some money to pay the deposit and first month but they all want someone who is employed. I've tried downsizing to a one bedroom place so that I can tell him I'm moving out and he can't come with me but I can't do that either as even if I could save up enough for deposit and moving costs, I can't pass the affordability and credit checks for a new rental.

And no, calling the police doesn't help it just makes things worse.

You've called the police, told them that a man is being violent towards you in your home (for which your name is on the lease) and you want him removed and they’ve made it worse? Can I ask in what way?

sotiredofbeingshoutedat · 15/04/2023 18:00

Sorry no, to clarify, when I asked the person to leave and he refused, I asked the police to help and they came round and spoke to him and said if she wants you to leave then you should leave but said as there's no violence we can't get involved. He then used that as "see the police said I'm no threat you're just being stupid". He was emotionally abusive and controlling and I was trying to end the relationship but he wasn't violent.

The situation with my ds is different, I haven't called the police because he's my son and despite everything that he's been putting me through lately I can't do that to him.

Axahooxa · 15/04/2023 18:02

It's true and as a parent there is no point saying its not easy. It's bloody neglect.

@Singapore4 good point.

This 22 year old has experienced neglect and trauma. His brain development will likely have been affected. His behavior and habits will have been affected.

His brain is still developing- 3 more years.

If I were his mum, I’d support him to get therapy so he can go on to live a healthy adult life with positive relationships. I’d take some responsibility for the sort of childhood he’s had. I would not kick him out for swearing.

Original poster

morethanspice · 15/04/2023 18:52

Singapore4 the back story is I married a man who revealed himself to be a textbook narcissist but I had no idea this was a thing until a chain of events led to me taking a job outside of his business where I became re exposed to the outside world and realised that my family life was completely abnormal. My youngest child had evidence of her father cheating and after several years i finally accepted that she was correct and eventually my children (all 16 or over) confronted their father who admitted it all and laughed

OP posts:

CiderJolly · 15/04/2023 20:05

Yes I have and I’ve acknowledged that by saying ‘as hard as it is’, when there’s kids involved then it amounts to emotional abuse of them and being on the receiving end of abuse doesn’t absolve a parent from the responsibility to protect their child. One incident I can understand, years of it, no. That’s just being complicit in the abuse of a child too.

CiderJolly · 15/04/2023 20:07

Sorry, that was to @Emmamoo89

Axahooxa · 15/04/2023 20:27

@morethanspice I can imagine how hard your experiences have been in this marriage.

my family life was completely abnormal.
please keep this in the forefront of your thinking about your children, even though they are now grown up. They have not had a healthy childhood. They will likely have trauma and be damaged from it. You cannot expect perfect behaviour if they’ve suffered neglect and abuse and they need help.