How to accept being single and childless

[Rnc96]

I appreciate some women may choose to be single and childless, but it wasn’t by choice for me.

I’m on antidepressants (tried another type recently but hasn’t really helped much yet), seen a psychiatrist, attend CBT sessions. I have good friends, hobbies, live in a great city and have a decent corporate job to keep me busy. But it’s still so hard to get rid of this longing feeling I have for my own partner and family.

I go through phases of doing well at keeping myself really busy in life then other days the smallest thing can set me off. On particularly bad days, even seeing young families or couples in public caught up in their own lives can hurt. I feel so detached from society, I’m in a big city constantly surrounded by people but feel so lonely and hollow inside.

I feel guilty because despite genuinely being happy for friends/colleagues/relatives who are parents, I still find it challenging being around babies or kids. I’ll always ask about their kids (genuinely interested because I only want good things for them) but physically being around them stings.
An old friend who I hadn’t seen in a while invited me to their baby shower this weekend and I’m having to make an excuse because I’m not mentally strong enough to go.

I really want to be set free from this irrational longing I have and to just accept these are the cards I’ve been dealt with, to move on with life.

It's not an irrational longing. You sound lovely. I hope you find peace ano happiness.

Have you considered all options to having s family, solo mother by choice, egg donation, embryo adoption? Are you lacking a partner or are there other factors involved, such as medical issues?

I feel like until you explore all options to have your family, you will never be able to put it bed and feel at peace.

Are you at the age where you can go for IVF alone? Is adoption an option?

it might not be what you planned, but it might be wonderful.

@Rnc96

Your feelings are not irrational and nor should you feel guilty.
I'm 57, been single for about 15 years, to be honest I'm not that bothered about finding a partner and haven't been for a long time.
I did however really want to be a mum so I chose to go it alone.
I have no regrets, he is an amazing human being, even though he is about to abandon me to go to university in the autumn😊
We have built a good life together.
There are options available to you

I am married but we have been struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss for a long time and everything you have written above resonates with me.

I don't have a magic answer but what I would say is that I have a friend in your position who started online dating, then met someone, fell pregnant and had a baby in the space of about 18 months - so life can change very quickly!

Some people also consider being a single parent by choice - either via donor conception or adoption. I realise these are big decisions and certainly not right for everyone.

I hope that you manage to find happiness. It sounds like you're a great friend and have lots of interesting things going on in your life.

It's not an irrational longing op, it's a perfectly natural feeling. And I say this as someone who doesn't and never has wanted children.

Is it truly off the table? Or is there still a chance? Either way, don't beat yourself up about how you're feeling. It's ok and you should take care of yourself

I'm sorry if you've discovered you're unable to have your own children naturally, that must be really difficult to learn.

However, in not sure I understand why you've got to accept being single too? There so many variations of what could happen in the future;

Your future partner may not want to/or be unable to have children so you both somehow accept that and you have a wonderful future together, having freedom to travel etc.

You could meet above partner and decide to adopt or Foster, look into egg donation/surrogacy.

You meet a partner who already has children and you become a wonderful stepmum (I know everyone MN don't think they exist, but they honestly do!).
You could decide to stay single and adopt, foster, consider egg donation/surrogacy.

Please don't write off a happy future, either with or without a partner and children. The possibilities are endless, even if it doesn't feel like it right now 💐

If you've exhausted all options and/or know it's never going to happen for you, the only way to acceptance is to grieve the life you could have had.

Ita far from easy of course. I have a disabled ds and grieve the life I could have had if he had not been the way he is. It's a long hard road but I think ultimately you need to feel the pain and sadness and jealousy and whatever else before coming to terms with your life now. It sounds like you know you have lots of positive things, which is great, but that longing needs to be acknowledged and given an outlet.

I wonder if a counsellor might be a better option than a psychiatrist? Someone to listen and support you emotionally?

Artwork, journalling, blogging might help too. Just get your feelings out there. And don't feel guilty about avoiding baby showers if it's too much. The pain won't be this intense forever.

Why do you think you need to accept it OP?

Why wouldn’t you look for a partner? And/or explore becoming a parent, alone if you want. You don’t sound too old for that, and no one is too old to find a partner.

Like @Ted27 , I'm also a solo mother by choice. Your feelings are valid if your current situation isn't what you'd hoped for.

I'm not sure how old you are op @Rnc96 ? Or what the circumstances are around your not having children, we would need more information as to advise appropriately but previous posters have raised very valid points regarding dating/or going it solo.

Are you able to tell us more about your circumstances?

You are in your mid twenties according to your other thread. There is a good chance you will meet someone nice and find a way to have a child.

Thank you all for your kind comments and 💐 to those who can relate in their own way

Apologies, I’d rather not go into detail of my own circumstances (not to mention paranoid my unique circumstances will ‘out’ me). I do agree with pp that said life can sometimes change quickly/unexpectedly for some people

Although sometimes the unexpected can happen, I still hope to learn to accept my current life path so I’m less scared for the future

Have a DC on your own.

@Spottycarousel 💐 thank you, I think having an outlet is just what I need

Are you in your mid twenties??

For pp’s who asked, I am still looking for a partner :) but due to my own unique circumstances it’s something that is significantly less likely to happen.

Apologies, I don’t feel comfortable explaining my circumstances but I wasn’t looking for advice on that anyway

Would you consider solo motherhood?

Op I'm sorry that everyone is fixated on you having a child, however well meant. I know how upsetting that would be for me. I decided a while back that due to my difficult circumstances the chances of having another child were pretty much zero and I needed to grieve that knowledge. I think all you can do is grieve what feels impossible now but obviously be aware that so long as fertility is on your side you just never know. In the meantime finding other meaning in your life helps a lot. It doesn't have to be about having your own family or even a partner. Meaning can be about work, hobbies, volunteering, your own inner journey.

@Spottycarousel i don't think it's fair for you to apologise on our behalf for being 'fixated' on OP having a child. People are being incredibly sympathetic and kind but it's only natural for people to explore or suggest options when we don't know the full story. Fair enough, OP wants to keep some stuff confidential, that's her right. But if she thought people weren't going to ask questions or wonder why other options for motherhood aren't appropriate, then I think she's being a little naive - it's MN ffs.
Please don't take it upon yourself to apologise on my behalf again

Judging by your username you're only 26/27. That's no age. Plenty of time for all that.

Your thread title is how to accept being single and childless. But you are saying this in your mid twenties! Most people aren't settled then!

You need to get a more positive mindset, and maybe some counselling.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be offensive to anyone. I'm not in a great place emotionally this evening and really felt for op so just projecting my stuff all over the place.

How your life is now is not a fixed scenario for life. What I'm saying is things change. Think how different your life was 5 years ago and how different it could be again in 5 years time.

I'm 47 now and wanted marriage and children but it didn't happen for me.

I've now completely come out the other side and can't imagine my life with children and in many ways feel I had a lucky escape. It takes a lot for this mind shift but once it became apparent that it wasn't going to happen for me I started focusing on the positives about not having children and it really worked.

I have time for hobbies and friends and I always get a great nights sleep. I go on solo holidays and have pyjama days, I answer to nobody but myself. Just read through some of the threads on here and you'll feel you had a lucky escape. If I was to meet someone now they would have to be incredible for me to even contemplate dating them.

It takes time but find confidence in just being yourself. I do think hormones play a part, I'm now past childbearing age and it's not something I really think about but in my late 30's and early 40's it was always on my mind.

Having children isn't the be all and end all - honestly! There's an amazing life out there, it's just different from the one you always imagined.

I can't have children for a myriad of reasons & a number of years ago a long term relationship broke down. It wasn't the only reason, but it was one of many.

I went for counselling as I wasn't dealing with the "unfairness" of it all.

It changed me thinking from it's awful/unfair/ devastating etc to actually asking myself what if it is just me, childless & single forever? How do i make the the best & must fulfiling life I can.

I starting thinking about what I needed from all other aspects of my life, friends, family, career, hobbies, holidays, enjoyment etc.

I set up everything around me to ensure that I would have a great life anyway. By chance I did actually meet someone, only 2 years so still early days.

If you can't have what you want in life as you can't control it, make certain sure you have everything you need- that's within your control.