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Original poster

Ex moving on so quickly, dealing with how I feel

31 replies

catinthehatonthemat · 14/04/2023 15:01

My ex partner ended things with me 4 weeks ago... I'm trying to reconcile how I feel about it all. We'd been together since 2006, no kids together. I absolutely believed he was the love of my life.

We'd split up last year for 7 months, I knew our relationship wasn't great before it happened but he blamed me for stopping making an effort in terms of our sex life, which is fair as I got lazy and put on weight and we stopped communicating properly. We both accepted we made mistakes (there's a lot of stuff that he was at fault for too) and wanted a clean slate so we got back together just before Christmas.

I genuinely thought we were both trying, well I thought I was anyway but looking back I have my doubts as to whether he was. 4 weeks ago he told me things weren't working and he was moving out again. I knew something was up, you can just tell, he seemed dismissive of me and it was making me miserable.

He moved out the next day and we stayed in touch, just friendly messages and said we'd try and stay friends. Part of me was relieved and knew it was probably the right thing for us both and I was getting on ok, not great but I was doing better than when we split last year. Until he messaged me this week to tell me he'd met someone else, he didn't go looking for someone but it just happened, they'd just been friends previously, it felt right, he felt this was the right path for him blah, blah, blah. Hilariously this woman is pregnant, but not with his child.

He swears absolutely that nothing happened before we split up, whether that's true or not, who knows. What hurts the most is that he's moved on so quickly, and it now feels like he was never bothered about making a go of it. Someone much more attractive and younger has paid him some attention and that's it, he's in another relationship.

Deep down I know I'm probably better off without him, so why the fuck do I feel like shit?! I told him I couldn't be friends as I was too hurt about how quickly he moved on. I asked him to not contact me unless it was about collecting things from the house and he'd stuck with this until today when he messaged asking if I was ok. This has led to a whole load of messages where he seems to think I'm unreasonable for being cold with him. He understands why I may not want to be friends at the moment but says I'm not being civil. Ironically he started his messages saying he knew I didn't want to hear from him... yet still proceeded to contact me.

Am I unreasonable for being ok with staying friends with him until he told me he's met someone else? I know I'm jealous of his new gf but is it a case of I want what I can't have all of a sudden, even though having him probably isn't the right thing.

Can someone slap some sense into me?!

Sorry that was so long 😕

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 14/04/2023 15:06

Stop trying to be friends with him. He has got someone else ( quite likely she was in the picture when he split with you). Block him on your phone / social media , get on with your life. You weren't married and you didn't have kids - you are now officially free of him. Hooray ! Good luck .

Tuters · 14/04/2023 15:12

OP did he tell you that the pregnancy is not his?
I'd be very sceptical.

qqq82 · 14/04/2023 15:13

What a bellend
Of course you're going to be upset . He should leave you the hell alone now .

Sort out all the logistics of the split asap and then block him on everything

I'd put good money on the fact that this didn't just start after you split .

CantWait01 · 14/04/2023 15:15

Hmm not his child? And they were ‘friends’ before?

Do you know her op?

Winterisalmostover · 14/04/2023 15:33

If you read my recent post on another thread, my ex lied that our baby wasn't his to his whole family; his parents, ex and DC. We had been together for two years. Don't believe a word he says about the baby.

Original poster
catinthehatonthemat · 14/04/2023 15:35

I actually do believe him when he says the child isn't his. He's in his early 50s and having a baby on the scene would his idea of living hell, or it would be for the guy I knew. That's what makes it all the more galling for me, we discussed having kids, I was on the fence either way but he didn't want to do all that again (he has grown up kids from a previous relationship).

I don't know this woman but had suspicions someone was lurking after we'd split up, thanks to the joys of Facebook. I already found out her name before he told me so have tortured myself looking at her profile. Yes she's younger, yes she looks so much prettier, yes she looks like she's actually probably a nice person.

I've removed him Facebook as I couldn't bear to see any loved up bollocks that might appear but can't really block his number as he does still have a lot of stuff at my house and he owes me money. As fucked up as this sounds, his morals mean he absolutely will pay me back.

I was mostly fine until I found out about him having a new gf and now it's set me back again. FFS!!!!

OP posts:
LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 15:48

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It's completely normal to feel shit but I hope you'll remember all the good things about you and try to build yourself up at this time. It's easy to look at someone's outsides on social media and compare them to your insides but appearances can be deceptive.

I also am wondering if this relationship began before you split, or at least the opportunity presented itself before you split and was a factor in the end of the relationship. It's rare for men to end a relationship without having another one to go to. (I think this is why more divorces are initiated by women.)

You need to protect yourself at this time. Would it be possible to give his stuff to a family member to pass on? And tell him strictly no contact outside of the boundaries you have set.

Moser85 · 14/04/2023 15:56

I actually do believe him when he says the child isn't his. He's in his early 50s and having a baby on the scene would his idea of living hell, or it would be for the guy I knew. That's what makes it all the more galling for me, we discussed having kids, I was on the fence either way but he didn't want to do all that again (he has grown up kids from a previous relationship).

That means it's more likely that it IS his baby. Why would he start a relationship and deal with someone elses baby if that was his idea of living hell?

This has led to a whole load of messages where he seems to think I'm unreasonable for being cold with him. He understands why I may not want to be friends at the moment but says I'm not being civil.

He wants you to act in a certain way so that it makes the break up easier for him...Fuck that...you do what's right for you.

Am I unreasonable for being ok with staying friends with him until he told me he's met someone else?

Of course not. It's completely 100% normal that you would stop being 'friends' in those circumstances, and the vast majority of people would do the same.

Original poster
catinthehatonthemat · 14/04/2023 16:08

Thank you, I need this kick up the arse! You start to doubt how you're feeling because the other person seems so convinced in being sure that you're being unreasonable.

If this other woman hadn't have appeared then it's likely we'd still be in touch as friends but I don't think that would have done me any good in the long run.

@LadyH846 unfortunately there's only really his kids that could collect his stuff and neither drives, plus I don't want to drag them into this.

He has unfortunately previously jumped from one relationship to the next so it wouldn't be a surprise if there was an overlap. He split from his kids mum and jumped straight into another relationship and jumped from that into seeing me. I'm not sure he knows how to be alone.

@Moser85
That means it's more likely that it IS his baby. Why would he start a relationship and deal with someone elses baby if that was his idea of living hell?

This is where my ego takes a bruising, she's so amazing and pretty and whatever that despite her being pregnant with someone else's baby, he's decided she's the right woman for him... Ultimately I suppose it doesn't make any difference if it's his or not. He doesn't want to be with me and is with her and I've just got to suck it up.

OP posts:
FL0 · 14/04/2023 16:20

You need to be brave @catinthehatonthemat .

It’s 99.9% certain that He was with this woman last year when you split up. He probably didn’t ever stop seeing her , then she got pregnant with his baby and that’s why he has left you.

Very very few men would start dating a woman who is pregnant with another man’s child. Especially a man in his 50s with adult children.

It’s his baby and she is his affair partner. I’m sorry.

If it’s any consolation he probably will cheat on her too, once the reality of a new baby hits. It’s unlikely to last in the long term ( which is a shame for the baby but there you are ).

Original poster
catinthehatonthemat · 14/04/2023 16:40

Thank you @FL0 I'm pretty sure he wasn't seeing her when we split up last year as he moved away from the area, quite a distance away and he did admit to seeing someone else in that time (definitely not the same woman thanks to Facebook stalking). So whilst not impossible, extremely unlikely. He only moved back 5 months ago, so the dates don't match as she's about 6 months pregnant.

Either way, I think you're right about the reality of a new baby hitting. Whether it's his or not, he's in for a rude awakening when he isn't the centre of attention all of a sudden.

@Moser85
He wants you to act in a certain way so that it makes the break up easier for him...Fuck that...you do what's right for you.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here, he doesn't want to seem like the bad guy and me not wanting to stay mates might raise question to others about his sudden new relationship. Baby or no baby.

I need to stop giving him headspace 😞

OP posts:
samestyle · 14/04/2023 19:59

Sorry to hear this, I think it sounds like lies, also if he didn't want a baby he certainly wouldn't be looking to take on anyone else's. Cut contact is the only way to heal and move on.

Original poster
catinthehatonthemat · 14/04/2023 20:40

@samestyle I know you're right, my friend has just given me a good talking to for being too soft and too nice 😐

OP posts:
Eightiesgirl · 14/04/2023 20:51

I think he's keeping his options open with you. He's got form for lining another woman up whilst he's still with the last one. I think he wants to stay friends with you just in case this doesn't work out with the new one. He might already be having doubts about her and the baby, hence him making contact with you again, testing the waters by seeing if you are "OK". Don't be surprised if he tries to come crawling back soon. You already took him back last year after he admitted he'd been seeing another woman during the time you were apart. You are his safety net and he wants to keep you hanging on in there. You deserve so much better than him.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/04/2023 21:23

I’d block him on every single channel
it’s the ONLY way
total no contact and grieve for what has ended

you don’t need to speak to him and have him dally with your feelings
he’s made his bed
now fuck off and let you process this in peace

thesnailandthewhale · 14/04/2023 21:36

I agree that it's very likely his baby. Also please don't be sure you'll get the money you're owed - the guy you knew may have had good morals but he isn't the guy you thought he was and he now has a new priority with a baby on the way - I really hope I'm wrong but it's all so familiar. Sending hugs xx

Original poster
catinthehatonthemat · 14/04/2023 22:11

Thanks for the arse kicking everyone. I'm definitely not going back there again, he's burnt his bridges on that front and I'm not willing to be anyone's safety net. I don't wish him ill, but I bloody hope a screaming baby brings him back down to earth 😂

I'm not getting my hopes up re the money, thankfully I'm lucky enough to be able to afford to miss it if it doesn't materialise.

I was hoping he'd just fade away eventually but if not then I guess I need to put on my big girl pants 😬

OP posts:
Morewineplease10 · 14/04/2023 22:32

Finding out about her will make you get over him quicker although may hurt more in the long run.

I'm sceptical re baby too.

I'd get thst money back ASAP then give his stuff back and then block him.

Maybe one day you can be friends, right now it's too much too soon.

Whst you're feeling is totally normal, sounds like you're doing well.

Sadly they're all a bunch of clichés!

Hug.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2023 22:37

The baby is definitely his and there is no "staying friends" with this man. Cut him off entirely and move on.

redbigbananafeet · 14/04/2023 22:52

catinthehatonthemat · 14/04/2023 15:35

I actually do believe him when he says the child isn't his. He's in his early 50s and having a baby on the scene would his idea of living hell, or it would be for the guy I knew. That's what makes it all the more galling for me, we discussed having kids, I was on the fence either way but he didn't want to do all that again (he has grown up kids from a previous relationship).

I don't know this woman but had suspicions someone was lurking after we'd split up, thanks to the joys of Facebook. I already found out her name before he told me so have tortured myself looking at her profile. Yes she's younger, yes she looks so much prettier, yes she looks like she's actually probably a nice person.

I've removed him Facebook as I couldn't bear to see any loved up bollocks that might appear but can't really block his number as he does still have a lot of stuff at my house and he owes me money. As fucked up as this sounds, his morals mean he absolutely will pay me back.

I was mostly fine until I found out about him having a new gf and now it's set me back again. FFS!!!!

Having a baby on the scene can't be his idea of living hell if he's dating a soon to be new mum. It's his kid.

Isiteveningyet · 14/04/2023 23:11

I’m so sorry this has happened, and of course it’s his child. I think it best to accept that now, as very soon you’ll be seeing the happy family photos.

Original poster
catinthehatonthemat · 14/04/2023 23:19

Whether the baby is his or not isn't really the issue for me, just the icing on the cake for him having moved on.

Regardless of whether it's his or not, he met someone else but wanted to stay friends and although he seems to accept that's not what I want or what is good for me, he's critical of my being cold in response to his unwanted messages.

I was just starting to doubt that I was being reasonable in now not wanting to be friends or even in being cold if I had to respond. I think it's pretty clear he's the dick and not me, phew 😆

OP posts:
Moser85 · 15/04/2023 17:32

This is where my ego takes a bruising, she's so amazing and pretty and whatever that despite her being pregnant with someone else's baby, he's decided she's the right woman for him... Ultimately I suppose it doesn't make any difference if it's his or not.

Another reason why your ex is a prick. He's ok with you feeling this way and thinking she must be so great if he's willing to take on her baby..even though later on you'll find out the truth, so he's ok with you feeling even more unnecessary pain.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here, he doesn't want to seem like the bad guy and me not wanting to stay mates might raise question to others about his sudden new relationship. Baby or no baby.

Well if it makes you feel any better, I doubt it's all to do with not wanting to seem like the bad guy. He's obviously struggling in some way and life isn't all perfect and roses or he wouldn't be still trying to be friends with you 😂The new girlfriend, the new pregnant girlfriend 🙄 would NOT be happy over this, if he was happy and she was all he wanted he wouldn't even be thinking about you.

I was just starting to doubt that I was being reasonable in now not wanting to be friends or even in being cold if I had to respond. I think it's pretty clear he's the dick and not me, phew 😆

Oh there is no doubt that he's the dick* *😂And I would imagine there's a lot of dickish behaviour that you haven't even realised yet.

Ponderingwindow · 15/04/2023 17:41

I moved on very quickly after my first husband and I split. He wanted to stay friends. We saw a marriage counselor who pointed out that wasn’t possible at least to start. You have to get angry first. She was absolutely right. We both needed to be angry. Him more than me since I was the one who left, but me also because I left for very good reasons. The friendship comes later, after you let that anger flow through you and wash away. Then you might actually reach a point where you can be friends or at least friendly.

My XH and I chat from time to time. We swap
pictures of our children. I am legitimately happy for him that he is out there living a good life. If we ever found ourselves in the same city, we would probably meet up for lunch. If takes real time to get to that place though.

feellikeanalien · 15/04/2023 17:43

If he really doesn't fancy the idea of a new baby then the relationship is unlikely to last. My ex-H left me for OW who, after a short time, got pregnant. When he realised he was no longer the centre of attention the relationship fell apart.

They had a nasty break-up and, sadly, although that was many years ago he doesn't see his child now.

I agree with other pps that the baby is likely to be his and the only way to fully get over him is to block all contact as soon as you can.