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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do?

37 replies

ifeelnumb · 14/04/2023 10:46

Hi
I haven't posted much but have name changed for this thread anyway.

Married for 25years, 2 teenage children.

About 4 years ago my DH had what I called an emotional affair but because physical sex was not involved my DH thought is was just harmless banter. They definately didnt meet up in person but there was some sexting involved. She was an old girlfriend from many many years ago. Anyway, we worked through it, he realised he had overstepped the mark, apologised profusely, and agreed to cut all contact with her. I thought we were doing OK, sex has definately reduced but otherwise we seemed to be in a good place. I've just seen her number flash up on his phone. I'm devastated! How do I deal with this? Do I give him the opportunity to explain or do I just dump his stuff on the drive??

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 14/04/2023 10:49

I’d want to know more. If she just contacted him out of the blue- he needs to block. If he has contacted her at all, it’s stuff on the drive time

cocolocoe · 14/04/2023 10:50

Ask to see his phone immediately.

Original poster
ifeelnumb · 14/04/2023 10:56

I saw the phone number just as he was getting out of the car at the train station, he is now away for the weekend. So I have a few days to gather my thoughts.

OP posts:
cocolocoe · 14/04/2023 10:58

ifeelnumb · 14/04/2023 10:56

I saw the phone number just as he was getting out of the car at the train station, he is now away for the weekend. So I have a few days to gather my thoughts.

Where has he gone for the weekend?

Original poster
ifeelnumb · 14/04/2023 11:08

He’s away with friends, I’m 99.9% sure he’s not with her.

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 14/04/2023 11:10

Away with friends? Really?
Pull the other one.

Londontoderby · 14/04/2023 11:13

Away with friends- there covering for him, his gone to meet her.

Londontoderby · 14/04/2023 11:14

A bit funny how she happened to also call the exact time his going away and not going to be near you, she probably thought he was already on the train.

Id want photo and LIVE video evidence that he really is with friends. Does she know his friends? Maybe she has gone to join them all and he is introducing her?

Steakandquinoa · 14/04/2023 11:17

Oh dear.

Thehonestybox · 14/04/2023 11:17

I'd want to be absolutely certain where he was this weekend, then take it from there. I agree with others, try and force a video call.

cocolocoe · 14/04/2023 11:20

ifeelnumb · 14/04/2023 11:08

He’s away with friends, I’m 99.9% sure he’s not with her.

How far away has he gone from you? Do you know what hotel or where he is staying? I'd 100 per cent follow him.

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 11:31

Sorry OP but it would be a massive coincidence for her to text out of the blue as he's getting on his train for his weekend away

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 11:34

If you are 100% sure it was her OP

the marriage is over

so start looking around for a kick ass lawyer and use the empty house to gather as much financial info as you can

Pseudonamed · 14/04/2023 11:34

Not a hope he is away with friends.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 11:35

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 11:31

Sorry OP but it would be a massive coincidence for her to text out of the blue as he's getting on his train for his weekend away

Not if they regularly message multiple times a day

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 11:39

@Cleoforever then that wouldn't be out of the blue, would it.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 11:41

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 11:39

@Cleoforever then that wouldn't be out of the blue, would it.

I don’t believe it is out the blue

I believe it’s been going on for a long time!

hence the op should use the time to find herself a lawyer

ThisIsaNiceDress · 14/04/2023 11:43

I’d say say it’s very likely they are away together. Use your time wisely. Partly to get all the info/docs you need in his absence, partly to get proof they are together if you can.
good luck op we’re here for you if you need support

BringtheJury · 14/04/2023 11:44

I'd be very surprised if he's away with friends.

FartSock5000 · 14/04/2023 11:57

@ifeelnumb we accept the love we think we deserve.

Why do you deserve to be with a man who lies, reaches out to former partners for emotional and physical gratification and minimises your feelings?

Even if he is with the boys this weekend, why is she not blocked on his phone?

Why is she calling JUST as he is about to go away? The timing is suspicious and you are right to be on alert.

Wasn't it part of your reconciliation after the last time that he has no contact with her at all? Making himself available to her like this is breaking that deal. She can't call him if he has told her not to and blocked her... He hasn't done that, has he?

A cheater will cheat because they can. Unless you are prepared to give consequences, he will do whatever he likes because he knows you will let him.

I'd tell him that you saw her call him and that because he has not blocked her (remember if you saw her name come up, it is because he typed a name in for her number!) and that was part of you moving forward from his cheating (sexting IS cheating) that you are reconsidering your relationship with him and have dropped his belongings off at his Mum/Dad/Relatives house and you do not want him to approach you for the next 2 weeks while you decide what you want to do.

You take away his control over you. He doesn't get to tell you anything or make you feel like you are at fault/over reacting. He has had a chance and couldn't uphold his end of the deal.

He IS a liar, a cheater and gaslighting knobhead.

Maze76 · 14/04/2023 11:58

Sorry @ifeelnumb this doesn’t look good. I agree with others, it’s likely they are together, do you know where he’s staying and can you contact his so called friends?.. I’m sure one of them will slip up when confronted.

LiliLil · 14/04/2023 12:11

He’s not away with friends.

She called him at the time he was due to get to the train station? What a coincidence!

Get rid.

LYDIAtyto · 14/04/2023 16:07

He shouldn't have her number!bloody disrespectful!This is not good for your mental health,he's playing games, and like all men that do this, he's a shit

cocolocoe · 14/04/2023 18:14

@ifeelnumb do we have an update?

Dj2020 · 14/04/2023 20:28

I'd be checking the whole away with friends thing.. as we've seen on here plenty of times, friends can even be in on affairs and provide false alibis... and what the hell is her number doing popping up on his phone... not on!