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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with no time to myself

36 replies

Notimeforme · 13/04/2023 18:20

DH is here all the time, rarely leaves the house and if he does it is with me. DS is two, he’s with me all the time except when he’s at nursery and then I’m at work.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Hoping it’s temporary. I am pregnant and very very tired and desperate for some respite from it!

OP posts:
Dontbelieveaword · 13/04/2023 18:51

If DH is there all the time snd DS is there all the time, why can you go out and leave them together. Even if it's just a walk or a coffee date with a friend. Or ask DD to take DS out while you have a nap or a soak in bath.

Original poster
Notimeforme · 13/04/2023 19:01

Oh, he’s working. Sorry I should have explained that.

In any case I suppose I could do those things … DH would have DS (and has) on the odd occasion I’ve been out. It’s hard to explain. I just feel life is a bit frantic at the moment. I’m feeling pretty down tonight, in quite a lot of discomfort and feel really sad somehow.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 13/04/2023 19:02

He's not working 24/7. Have you told him you need some time on your own? He could take your little one out for the morning or something over the weekend.

Watchkeys · 13/04/2023 19:03

I’m feeling pretty down tonight, in quite a lot of discomfort and feel really sad somehow

Unsupported?

Original poster
Notimeforme · 13/04/2023 19:06

Probably a bit.

Life just feels very hard and relentless. I’m sleeping badly at the moment and don’t get much of a chance to take things easy.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 13/04/2023 19:11

Can you ask him to give you a break, @Notimeforme ? Sounds like you need one.

Original poster
Notimeforme · 13/04/2023 19:12

It’s just hard, as I feel like my days are just one activity to another to another. By the end of the day my back is killing me and I feel so weary. He does take DS swimming Sunday morning but by the time I’ve sat for ten minutes and showered in peace they are back!

OP posts:
Dontbelieveaword · 13/04/2023 19:20

And have you actually spoken to him about any of this?

Snoken · 13/04/2023 19:31

Maybe suggest he takes DS to see his parents for a day or weekend (depending on how far away they are)? Just say you need to breathe a bit and gain some energy before the next kid comes along.

Original poster
Notimeforme · 13/04/2023 19:37

Dontbelieveaword · 13/04/2023 19:20

And have you actually spoken to him about any of this?

I’m sure this isn’t the intention, but the way this is phrased seems to put the blame if you like very much on me, and that’s not what I’m trying to do here. I’m trying to just have a bit of a safe space where I can be open and honest and process what I’m feeling. I think it is unlikely that things will change for the foreseeable future, to be honest.

Like a lot of families I’ve ended up doing nearly everything childcare related, I also oversee the daily sort of grind of tasks if you like such as laundry and keeping the house vaguely functional although we do have a cleaner once a week and while this helps as people can probably appreciate, with a young child we’d ideally need one at least every other day!

OP posts:
shutthewindownow · 13/04/2023 19:45

Notimeforme · 13/04/2023 19:12

It’s just hard, as I feel like my days are just one activity to another to another. By the end of the day my back is killing me and I feel so weary. He does take DS swimming Sunday morning but by the time I’ve sat for ten minutes and showered in peace they are back!

That Sunday swim can be a day out for them Both. Park Lunch out go for walk feed ducks whatever but you deserve a day to yourself. Your partner needs to step up and you need to say something.

Original poster
Notimeforme · 13/04/2023 19:49

Not every week, though.

The problem is that on my days with the toddler I don’t get to just chill out and relax. Obviously you don’t really with a toddler anyway! But DS is going through a phase of just wanting his dad, which means I can’t keep him away from him but he’s working, so we go out. Bad night I have to go out, awful weather I have to go out, feeling unwell I have to go out.

I know people will say I don’t but I do, that famous video of the dad giving the interview on TV when the kids crash in was funny once but loses its appeal every time and if DH can get no work done.

But it’s exhausting and I’m fed up of it. It’s also expensive because I end up having to buy us lunch and activities. Just feeling really low tonight. Today was exhausting and I have another full day tomorrow.

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 13/04/2023 19:51

I dont know tbh. See if I have or hubby has and problems or feelings ir anything we talk about them straight away. So during pregnancies I was really ill and he asked what could be done to help and twice a week he took our 2 youngest out on his days off so I got sleep time,chill time and a few hours for me. Now we have 4 and still he Continues taking them twice a week out and about so I still get time and I do the same for him if I see he needs a few hours chill

Burgoo · 13/04/2023 19:54

@Notimeforme "I’m sure this isn’t the intention, but the way this is phrased seems to put the blame if you like very much on me"

You didn't answer the question which indicates he may be completely clueless.

The first thing is communicating. You can't moan if you don't communicate your needs. People won't actively seek to do more things unless they have to, so you have to be really clear.

It sounds a bit martyr complex-y to me though I am sure that isn't the case. You have to MAKE TIME, which means being boundaried around what you will and won't accept from partner (and others).

It drove me crazy when my mum used to whinge about how dad never spent time at home and/or wasn't emotionally available AND then continue doing everything and not tell him. I used to think "just tell him, stop being a bloody martyr about it". Eventually I told her that it sounded as though deep down she got a sense of secret pride and superiority when she was seen as this all-sacrificing wife and mother. Her response was explosive, which gave me the impression that maybe I had been a little too close to the truth.

Original poster
Notimeforme · 13/04/2023 19:57

But @Burgoo i guess this is the problem. Have you noticed how people here have assumed problem will be solved if he takes the toddler to his parents for a day, or a day out Sunday? I’m not having a go there, honestly Flowers but when you aren’t sure yourself it’s easy to be misunderstood or for things to get a bit twisted. The big problem is I don’t feel I can carry on the level of activities I have been doing, I need more downtime. But I don’t know if there is a practical way around this, to be honest.

OP posts:
Dontbelieveaword · 13/04/2023 20:41

Wow, OP. It was a very reasonable, obvious question. Can't believe you've taken offence. What am I blaming you for? How can that one question be twisted into anything other than it was.

I'll leave your previous little thread alone from now on except to say, of course things aren't going to change if you cant or won't talk to your OH about how you're feeling from the responsibility and overwhelming pressure you are under in a relationship where you have to do absolutely everything and don't have a spare minute to yourself. It's not in every relationship or even most relationships that it's normal that the only responsibility dad has is to take DC swimming every now and then.
But hey, as you said, nothing could possibly change, could it?

Holycow23x · 13/04/2023 20:44

Hi OP,

Also pregnant and in a similar situation to you!

When DC is at nursery and DH is working, book a holiday from work and have a "me" day!

mynameiscalypso · 13/04/2023 20:46

I get you. I have made the period from 10pm until bedtime 'mine'. I have a nice bath, read a bit, maybe do some yoga. I am quite protective of it - if DH wants to watch a film, we have to start it at 8 otherwise do it over two nights. Otherwise it's just always other people time.

Ss32 · 13/04/2023 20:47

Yep, I feel you, we’re in the exact same position. At the weekend my OH took our 2 year old on the train to see his mum, they live far away, I went the following morning so I had a whole 24 hours to myself. It was absolute bliss and I didn’t realise how much I needed it until it happened. Ask him to take him somewhere for the day so you can have some me time, it’ll be worth it

Gingergirl70 · 13/04/2023 20:48

I understand you're tired, hormonal and emotional but you're coming across a little...well, poor me and then defensive when people suggest how to improve things.
Why can't you be proactive and do something about it? If your husband is so completely unavailable to help out, can your DS go to nursery or childminder once or twice a week? Do you have no family or friends who could help out for a couple of hours every now and then, specially as your pregnancy progresses.
I'm obviously not going to ask if you've talked to DH 😂, but you should seriously consider it.

GrumpyPanda · 13/04/2023 21:02

Notimeforme · 13/04/2023 19:49

Not every week, though.

The problem is that on my days with the toddler I don’t get to just chill out and relax. Obviously you don’t really with a toddler anyway! But DS is going through a phase of just wanting his dad, which means I can’t keep him away from him but he’s working, so we go out. Bad night I have to go out, awful weather I have to go out, feeling unwell I have to go out.

I know people will say I don’t but I do, that famous video of the dad giving the interview on TV when the kids crash in was funny once but loses its appeal every time and if DH can get no work done.

But it’s exhausting and I’m fed up of it. It’s also expensive because I end up having to buy us lunch and activities. Just feeling really low tonight. Today was exhausting and I have another full day tomorrow.

Fuck that. It's your home first and foremost, not a workplace. If your partner doesn't want to be disturbed he'll need to go into the office or find a co-working space. Totally unfair on you and yet you're taking all the burden, and all the blame, on yourself.

Original poster
Notimeforme · 13/04/2023 21:02

I haven’t taken offence at all, and I am sorry if it came across that way. I possibly am coming across poor me but please understand I am very tired, sore and low just now!

I really appreciate the sympathy and solidarity, @Ss32 and @mynameiscalypso and @Holycow23x . I think the issue is I just need more than I can have at this stage!

OP posts:
Gingergirl70 · 13/04/2023 21:08

But why can't you have more? You're not answering any questions about why you can't make more time for yourself, why your DH is not helping more, why can't you ask for or pay for extra childcare, why can't you have a discussion with your DH?
It's just one of those threads where the OP shoots down every suggestion or advice because to actually be able to solve the problem would mean they can carry on the 'poor me, everyone feel sorry for me' spiel.
If you are in so much pain, feeling so low, why can't you ask for help and support? I just don't see how your DH is not seeing this for himself without you having to say ask. Does he walk around the house with earbuds in and blindfold on?

PousseyNotMoira · 13/04/2023 22:04

Why are you so resistant to talking to your husband about this?

QueenBee1234 · 14/04/2023 06:00

Stop going out all of the time. You are about to have multiple children in the home, if he doesn't like it he can work somewhere else.

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