Struggling with no time to myself

[Notimeforme]

DH is here all the time, rarely leaves the house and if he does it is with me. DS is two, he’s with me all the time except when he’s at nursery and then I’m at work.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Hoping it’s temporary. I am pregnant and very very tired and desperate for some respite from it!

Sounds like you’re so exhausted that you can’t see ways in which you can improve the situation. Pregnancy and childcare are both very tiring so you’re not the first woman to feel this way and you won’t be the last.

Definitely take some advice given here -

Put a lock on the door wherever your husband is so the toddler can’t go in, or you could even say goodbye to your DH with your toddler and then sneak DH back in when he’s not looking if needs be, so that you can relax in your own home and not go out every day.

Then make time for yourself in the early evenings and be regimented about it - say 5.30pm to 7.30om and DH does bedtime twice a week, or whatever suits you but do it!

Make Sunday swim trips a bit longer by going in the cafe or a soft play.

Please discuss these with your DH, things could be so much better with more of a focus on your needs without resorting to martyrdom which doesn’t help anyone.

“Like a lot of families I’ve ended up doing nearly everything childcare related, I also oversee the daily sort of grind of tasks if you like such as laundry and keeping the house vaguely functional”

This is a huge part of the problem, OP. Your DH is not parenting properly and not sharing the load. If you were an SAHM, I could understand a bit better how this had arisen (though it would still be wrong), but if you’re working outside the home, it’s completely out of order. You do need to speak to your DH and get things properly redistributed, especially when you’re about to have a second baby.

You might be feeling tired and emotional but it doesnt mean you are wrong. Although your DH works, he doesnt work 24/7 so you should be able to carve some time out for yourself every day.

What are all the activities you do? Is it to be out of the house while your husband works from home? If so, that needs to change.

Dh should go in to the office and work sometimes - that would help? I'm sure he doesn't have to wfh every day?

@Notimeforme I am in a very similar position to you with a 2 yo, doing all of the childcare and household stuff, plus working FT whilst heavily pregnant. I would speak to your partner and ask him to extend the swimming morning out to being at least a few hours, perhaps they can go for lunch together and then nap in the car etc. I find even a few hours makes a difference if you know it's reliable and coming up soon. You can plan in nice treats for yourself like I will eat some lovely ice cream, or go for a massage, or go for a walk etc. Alternatively if that doesn't work, could you put your DC in some form of childcare for a day a week (your OP sounded like you are a SAHM) so you can have some time to yourself and also more child free time to get stuff done?

There's no reason for you to go out with dc every day. Can your h work out of the house for a while so that you and Dc can stay in?

Alternatively, you need to make your dc realise that Daddy is working and can't be disturbed. It's ridiculous that you have to go out every day!

And re the weekends - you need to talk to your h, tell him how you are feeling. He's not a mind reader. Tell him you need a rest, a day without the Dc.

He needs to pick up half the household chores, cooking etc outside working hours too.

Do you think you should go and see the GP, perhaps have a blood test done, if you are always tired? There might be a physical cause too.

I agree with this.
You need to set your own boundaries and be proactive.
I watched my DH and realised he took what he needed when he wanted it.
So I decided to be more DH!

You're about to have a baby. You are not going to want to be shlepping around with a tiny infant and a toddler. You need to be at home and relaxed as you can.

On the basis you've not answered this shall we assume your husband gets angry at being disturbed?

I’m in a very different situation but feel similar. My DD is much older but has additional needs, it puts a lot of limits. A lot of DH’s work can be done from home so he often stays at home. Holidays are particularly tricky. Part of the problem is that we are different. I don’t think he’s got my desire just to be at home on my own for a bit without any other people present. I can’t have quiet lay down with them in the house, I just can’t. I grew up basically on my own, whereas my DH always had siblings at home, maybe why. So I needed to spell it out very very clearly. I don’t like it as I need to explain it in a very simple language so then it sounds very negatively. I just can’t vaguely hint : Can’t you go to the office to do this? I literally have to say : Get out I have to be on my own.
I think you have to find errands for DH and toddler to do without you on weekends. At least because they might need this when the second baby will be here, it will be better for them to have something in advance.

Husband works. I get that.

So what hours doesn't he work?

You have to carve time out for yourself. Once child in bed get in a bath. Just an hour, hot scented water, book or magazine. H van watch an hour if TV you hate and listen out for any waking up.

The biggest shock having two children was for my H, I could only put one to sleep at a time. But he did it he had to.

3-5 years per child of full on never ending exhaustion. I am just being honest. But you knew all this before having kids.

The other side of this is to enjoy your efforts, when they smile and run up to you that unconditional love that you are just the most super thing in the whole wide world. No one ever will love you just like this.

Can H do swimming and then go to the shop to grabs some small items? Or have a hot drink after to extend their time out of the house?

If you have a safe garden can toddler explore whilst you just chill with a herbal tea keeping a watchful eye but for an hour forget about the other chores just stand/sit in garden, almost meditating, concentrating on breathing finding a calm moment?

You don't have to fill a child's every moment.

Just trying to "find wally" can effecting be a sit down with a picture.

But alone? With a second baby on the way? Yeah not easy or even possible for some/most.

OP I hear you. It's hard. Especially when pregnant. Try to carve as much time as possible- It gets better. X