I don’t know how to talk about what bothers me

[Reyshimushroom]

Hello all, so about a year ago I left a heavily emotionally abusive relationship that left me with no backbone. I’ll admit I probably jumped into my new (current) relationship far too soon, but I’m here now. It’s been about 4 months and I like him a lot. He’s funny and definitely not abusive, but there are certain behaviours that I find really unpleasant and because I’m so scared of confrontation, I physically can’t bring myself to talk about it.

He’s a bit of a hot head, like if somethings annoying him he curse a lot and shout. He gets quite angry on the road too. I guess that’s normal stuff, but I don’t like it. Angry men trigger something in me.

He can be quite starey with other women too. I get it, I understand if a hot woman walks past then I’ll even glance too. I’m not gonna try and control his natural instincts. But it’s quite prolonged, like his eyes follow for a while. I dunno, I’m probably just insecure.

He didn’t necessarily do nice things for me. I’ve bought him food and stuff but it’s never been reciprocated. He doesn’t really ask me questions about myself or my life. We don’t have much deep conversation… I struggle to even talk about my recent trauma to him. It just doesn’t feel right.

The problem is I just don’t know how to bring it up. I can never find the right words, I forget what I’m even saying or I’ll just end up regretting it. I don’t know what to do :(

All those things.. are not normal in a healthy relationship. He sounds pretty awful, you don't need to accept such low behaviour.

I don't think any of those things would even be resolved by a conversation tbh.

It's who he is.

You shouldn't need to ask someone to be less angry or less sleazy. He is who he is and you can't stop someone's anger problem by asking them to tone it down a bit.

There's a saying "he's showing you who he is, believe him"

He's fucking AWFUL. I am very alarmed that you think there's anything to talk about. You should have dumped his arse by now.

You have only managed to trade one abuser for another.

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this abusive individual now. Indeed as Aquamarine has written you have traded in one abuser for yet another one. This is not an uncommon scenario. Abuse like you've described does take time to recover from and in this instance you've jumped from one relationship almost immediately into another.

Be on your own now and rebuild your life; it is far better doing that than to remain with someone like this individual who will continue to drag you down with him.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme, that is for those who have been in abusive relationships. BTW was your father an angry man too?.

Don't bring them up just leave him. This is the best version of himself that he is presenting to you he will only get worse.

i think you need to LTB, he sounds awful! he will only get worse.

Joining the chorus here, sorry! You've mistaken "less worse" for "good". Don't worry, we all do it after an abusive relationship. Just learn from it and lose this one.

You should never choose to be in a relationship with someone you need to change. People aren't projects, they're merely who they are. Apart from the fact that it's pretty much a lost cause from the start, surely you need and deserve a partner whose presence makes you feel relaxed and appreciated?

Have a read of this ☺ Good luck!
Right, listen up everybody (OP)

He’s a bit of a hot head, like if somethings annoying him he curse a lot and shout. He gets quite angry on the road too. I guess that’s normal stuff, but I don’t like it.

Why do you think this is ‘normal’? And even if it were, if you don’t like it then why put up with it?

I physically can’t bring myself to talk about it.

If he’s hot headed and shouts then this isn’t surprising. It’s probably your body telling you that it isn’t safe to express your feelings to this man.

How did you meet him? Is he older than you?

While I strongly believe that communication is the most important thing in a relationship, the thing is it does not solve everything, it is not some magic pill. I totally agree with @sladys this man is not a good man and I also do not believe that communicating would help solve this. If he was a loving and caring person you would not be uncomfortable talking to him.

If he’s hot headed and shouts then this isn’t surprising. It’s probably your body telling you that it isn’t safe to express your feelings to this man

Please pay very careful attention to this very wise comment by @TokyoStories. Our instincts are rarely wrong, we've just been socialised to ignore them.

I wouldn't bother bringing it up. He's not interested in your views on this.

I think you know you've yet again chosen a relationship with someone who makes you feel unsafe and unloved.

I think you know that you didn't do the work to get strong enough to take action when someone treats you badly...before getting into a relationship.

I think that the fact that you don't feel comfortable to talk to him says everything you need to know about the relationship. Compatibility is being able to talk easily to someone.

You're repeating the 'abuse victim' pattern, here, which is 'There's something wrong, things don't feel right to me, here... so there must be something wrong with me, and if I can just correct it, everything will be fine.' The healthy pattern is 'There's something wrong, things don't feel right to me, here... I'm leaving.'

As a very useful person once said to me, 'The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.' If you take that option off the table, what you're left with is 'I'm uncomfortable around this person', and that's actually what you need to deal with.

Read what you wrote: "It just doesn't feel right" then read it again, then leave him.

He is an abuser.

No point in bringing up anything with him.
Text msg that's it's not working out then delete and block.

If you haven't done the freedom program, do that.

I'm afraid he is abusive @Reyshimushroom. After 4 months there shouldn't be anything to 'talk about'.
You need to let this one go.
Have you done the Freedom Programme. ?

I don’t think it’s right to say he is an abuser, he is just not the right person for you. An abuser is someone who try’s to take control and power. You can be a bit shit and not be abusive. If you can’t talk to him then I would look at the reasons. I can’t talk to my partner but that’s nothing to do with him and more that I don’t like talking to partners I prefer to talk to strangers. I don’t need him to know everything and I don’t need him to tell me everything but I love and trust him that if I did he wouldn’t think less of me.

Why can’t you? Is that because you are trying to be someone you are not? Are you scared because he acts aggressively at times? Are you scared he will leave for a nicer looking women? You don’t need him to like you, you tell him and you judge what you do next by his response. If he listens then great if he doesn’t then leave, simple! I’ve learned you don’t change how you feel you change by leaving the people who don’t respect how you feel. You can give people a chance, he may not realise that what he does upsets you.

I’m teaching my children to respect how people feel. I tell my child that screaming in peoples faces might make people uncomfortable, it does to me so I’d appreciate they don’t and to go scream outside. It’s a personal boundary and I was abused and I don’t like it. Guess what they say sorry and don’t do it to me. It’s ok to voice a boundary.

What's he done that's abusive? It's not abusive to be hot headed, or to turn your head when someone attractive walks by. It's not abusive to be a crap conversationalist, or self centered.

Is it?

I wouldn't bother trying to bring anything up. You need to trust your instincts.

He gets angry and shouts. Stop trying to explain this away. I don't like angry shouty people either, I certainly wouldn't date one.

He "stares" at other women. Again, stop trying to dismiss your feelings. Yes, people glance at good looking men/women but they don't continue to "stare" at them. I would hate if DH did that.

He doesn't seem to be at all interested in you as a person, you admit there is no "connection" there and he doesn't do anything nice for you.

Other than being able to say you have a boyfriend, what on earth is keeping you with him?

Even if every single person replying said all of this is normal (it's not obviously!) that still shouldn't matter. These things obviously bother you - even if the rest of the world said "no, you're wrong, he's wonderful" it doesn't mean you have to stick with him. The only thing that matters is that you are not happy or comfortable in the relationship and clearly you are not so why persist with it. Set yourself free.

Even if every single person replying said all of this is normal (it's not obviously

Well, how is it not 'normal'? Lots of people behave in the way he does. It's fairly standard.

What is 'normal', @Wishimaywishimight ?

A lot of men are abusive.

And the sky is often blue.

What's your point?

As a PP says he is who he is, and he is not the man for you.

With your background and boundary issues you are not going to be able to manage a healthy relationship with a man with anger issues. Perhaps he isn’t so angry that no one could, but you can’t.

Move on. Get some therapy if you can go work on your boundaries.

It's only been 4 months, should be an easy dump, you owe him nothing.