I don’t know how to talk about what bothers me

[Reyshimushroom]

Hello all, so about a year ago I left a heavily emotionally abusive relationship that left me with no backbone. I’ll admit I probably jumped into my new (current) relationship far too soon, but I’m here now. It’s been about 4 months and I like him a lot. He’s funny and definitely not abusive, but there are certain behaviours that I find really unpleasant and because I’m so scared of confrontation, I physically can’t bring myself to talk about it.

He’s a bit of a hot head, like if somethings annoying him he curse a lot and shout. He gets quite angry on the road too. I guess that’s normal stuff, but I don’t like it. Angry men trigger something in me.

He can be quite starey with other women too. I get it, I understand if a hot woman walks past then I’ll even glance too. I’m not gonna try and control his natural instincts. But it’s quite prolonged, like his eyes follow for a while. I dunno, I’m probably just insecure.

He didn’t necessarily do nice things for me. I’ve bought him food and stuff but it’s never been reciprocated. He doesn’t really ask me questions about myself or my life. We don’t have much deep conversation… I struggle to even talk about my recent trauma to him. It just doesn’t feel right.

The problem is I just don’t know how to bring it up. I can never find the right words, I forget what I’m even saying or I’ll just end up regretting it. I don’t know what to do :(

" Angry men trigger something in me."

Listen to your board and brain. They are trying to tell you something

Why do you like him a lot, @Reyshimushroom? He doesn’t sound very likeable and he doesn’t treat you well. I think you may need to spend some time alone and, if you can, have some therapy because you’ve learnt to accept being treated badly and your standards for what you will tolerate from men appear to be very low.

This. I think your standards, boundaries and ideas of what’s normal are badly bashed about. End this, because the fact that you like this angry, selfish man who seems not remotely interested in you is deeply alarming. Relationships come in more types than ‘abusive’ and ‘non-abusive’.

It might be common/"normal" in some circles but it's not acceptable and women shouldn't have to put up with any of that.

No need to be quite so patronising.

He is just not good enough. Everyone deserves better that all that!
You know you don’t really want him in your life.
the right words…that’s easy
Goodbye!

He sounds bloody awful. None of the things you describe are normal or healthy. Raise your bar OP. You have the right to be with someone who treats you like you matter.

Trust your instincts... this is not the related for you.

You deserve better

Nah. He's not the one for you. And yes too soon. Because abuse is all you've known, you'll let it slide when you should be running. Temper is a trigger for me & if I ever saw it in current partner then I'm out of there.

Move on please. He's not for you. But be then full he's shown you who he is earlier rather than later.

*grateful

@Reyshimushroom Don't stay with someone who makes you uncomfortable, who doesn't respect you, who is happy to upset you, who you're frightened of being honest with.

Honesty and trust are (IMO) central to a healthy relationship. If you can't be honest with him then how will you build a relationship? And you aren't being honest because you're frightened of his response. Plus, I suspect there's a part of you that realises he isn't interested in your feelings or opinions. He's showing that in how he acts.

There are plenty of decent men out there. Men who don't shout and get angry, men who don't stare sleazily at other women. Men who show their partners they love them in a thousand ways.

And even if you can't find one of those men right now, it's great to be single. 1000 times better than being with an angry, disrespectful, inloving man.

It’s very simple he thinks differently about things then you do for whatever reason he does. Perhaps that’s his experience from his own family. Who knows. We must take people how they are. I guess it comes down to a calculation. Can you accept ALL that he is without loosing ANY of what you are.

My partner keeps hold of way too many things for my liking but I can accommodate to a certain extent. IF it compromises me then it will need re-evaluating. I have to safeguard myself. But I am a fair person and I will give them a chance if it’s not something that is a NO on my boundaries. We all have different NO’s and maybes, what are you willing to accept? Shouting at me in a way that scares me is a NO, there is NO compromise!

He is abusive

If he was abusive he would have her trapped by the time his intentions would show. This early in he would be mirroring her needs and love bombing not being a twat like he is. Accept people for who they are, in this case a bit of a twat. She doesn’t appear trapped, only trapped by the fear of respecting how she feels. Being hot headed and sleazy isn’t abusive.

She doesn’t appear trapped, only trapped by the fear of respecting how she feels

That's what abuse looks like. Most abuse victims aren't actually trapped, on a practical level, it's emotional and psychological, and it's about not respecting your own feelings.

I don't actually think that this relationship is abusive, but your idea that abusers don't abuse from the start isn't accurate. That's just one way of doing it. Some abusers abuse from the start, choosing victims who feel it's 'normal' to be called 'bitch' or 'whore', or to get slapped for forgetting to buy beer. It's quite harmful to state that this doesn't happen.

Yes I did think that after writing. Could be testing boundaries doesn’t sound like it though, sounds a bit of a twat but then don’t know him. If you accept it now though you need to accept that you will always need to accept it. They can’t all be abusers, can’t throw that accusation around constantly.

thank you so much for all of your responses I’m really grateful. I also think that my boundaries have been skewed by the past. For some reason I struggle to feel like I deserve proper treatment