Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moving in together

27 replies

Bobb40 · 13/04/2023 12:22

I have been with my partner 3 years and have wanted to move in together for a while now I finally broached the subject yesterday to him to be told he’s not ready and can’t give me a time frame could be the end of this year could be next year could be in a couple of years. I was extremely upset and I am now unsure of what to do should I leave this relationship or hang in there and hope he will want the same things that I do eventually.

OP posts:
MrsRickAstley · 13/04/2023 12:27

Hmmm tricky.

Are there any kids involved ? What are finances like ? Are you buying or renting ? How old are you ?

Did he say why he's not ready ?

Original poster
Bobb40 · 13/04/2023 12:33

We are both in our forties my daughter lives with her boyfriend and my other daughter is off to university. He has 2 teenage children that he has a couple of times a week but I more often than not stay at his when he has them so it has nothing to do with the children as they often ask when we will live together. We both own our own property with the same amount of equity so it’s not the money. He gave me the excuse of it’s not worked out twice for him before so he’s worried about that and also what his mum would say 🙄

OP posts:
Eggseggseverywhere · 13/04/2023 12:40

If he is putting his dm's feelings above yours doesn't that tell you everything you need to know?

MrsRickAstley · 13/04/2023 12:41

I was sitting on the fence till 'what my mum would say'!!

So do you know how he feels about you? Do you feel loved & wanted? Secure in the relationship?

If you're happy to continue on current arrangement, do so. He's been clear. Absolutely no hint of a time frame.

You can make your decision based on that information. Only you know if his response will work for you or not.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2023 12:46

He gave me the excuse of it’s not worked out twice for him before so he’s worried about that and also what his mum would say

Baggage baggage baggage. I couldn't be arsed with that. The mum thing is obvious but I'd also pass on someone that keeps bringing up hurt from former relationships.

AubadeIsIt · 13/04/2023 16:19

The mum aspect may be cultural -- but it's still bullshit. He wants his cake and to eat it too.

Original poster
Bobb40 · 13/04/2023 16:39

My thoughts exactly he’s getting the best of both worlds x

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobb40 · 13/04/2023 16:41

He says why can’t I be happy with the way things are and what we have got

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 13/04/2023 16:42

Tbh why can't you be happy with how it is, why is moving in together a must?

Whataretheodds · 13/04/2023 16:45

Why does moving in together matter to you? What does it represent for you?

Original poster
Bobb40 · 13/04/2023 16:45

Because that’s what I want it’s not for everyone and it’s not wrong if that’s what he wants and it’s not wrong that’s what I want but at least be honest about it so I can decide if that’s something I can live with.

OP posts:
Newusername21 · 13/04/2023 17:07

This can be a tricky issue - and there's probably no right answer.

I'm 50 and have been with my BF for 3 years too. Moving in together is something we've spoken about since quite early on so we know we are both on the same page. (in our case - yes we both want to move in - but not yet and we will both decide when time is right)
Have you discussed moving in with your guy before - or is this the first time it's been talked about? If you've not discussed it before it's not surprising you've got to this point and now you realise you may be on different pages on the issue of moving in together.

Only you can decide if you want to carry on as you are for "a couple of years" and then see if you both want to move in then - but you will also have to be prepared for him to continue to say "not yet"

There's nothing wrong with him saying this - but also nothing wrong with you wanting to progress. You just have to decide if you can compromise on this.

Original poster
Bobb40 · 13/04/2023 17:17

Yes we have spoken about it before and he has always said yes we will but I’ve felt lately he is putting obstacles in the way and I have let resentment build as really there’s nothing stopping us moving in together we are in each others lives most days and if I’m honest I’m just a bit fed up going between 2 houses x

OP posts:
Eggseggseverywhere · 13/04/2023 17:33

He is telling you he can't make the effort 24/7 with your relationship.. How much more proof do you need he just isn't that into you? Not worthy of dropping the aspects of his Other Marriage for. His dm is a substitute dw imo.

Newusername21 · 13/04/2023 17:34

Bobb40 · 13/04/2023 17:17

Yes we have spoken about it before and he has always said yes we will but I’ve felt lately he is putting obstacles in the way and I have let resentment build as really there’s nothing stopping us moving in together we are in each others lives most days and if I’m honest I’m just a bit fed up going between 2 houses x

It does sound like the two of you are on different pages on this.
I'm sorry it seems your BF may be stringing you along. It's clearly something that is important to you (and I totally get the living between houses thing!).
Might be time for an open and honest conversation with him - and if you can't agree a way forward or agree a compromise you are both happy with - then it might be time to call it a day. Flowers

Chasingsquirrels · 13/04/2023 17:37

Only you can decode whether this is a deal breaker for you.

I've been seeing the bloke I'm seeing for nearly 5 years. Earlier in the relationship I was keen to live together, but wasn't prepared to do so while my children were still dependant.
Now, I wonder whether I actually want to at all.
If it becomes a deal breaker for him I'll have to assess what I want most, but for the moment I'm just carrying on as we are.

iamenough2023 · 13/04/2023 17:44

Hello OP I am sorry that you ran into this obstacle with the relationship that seemed to be going the right way. If he told you before that he would want to move in then something else is up, I am afraid. You have a choice of letting it be, enjoying the relationship while it lasts, or pushing him to tell you why he changed his mind which may drive him away. However, I must say people are different when it comes to this. I have been separated two years, just got my divorce, but have not even thought about dating. If I ever do, I do not think I would ever want to move in. I value my newly acquired freedom too much. Good luck op.

perfectcolourfound · 13/04/2023 18:04

He's not in the wrong for not wanting to live with you. You aren't in the wrong for wanting to live with him. You're both entitled to how you feel. Unfortunately it means you're incompatible if living together is a dealbreaker for you.

Aside from that, I would be concerned if he isn't being honest with you though. Do you feel he's stringing you along and has no intention of ever living together?

Original poster
Bobb40 · 13/04/2023 18:19

I don’t know it’s not that I’m desperate to live with a man I’m quite happy to live alone it’s just when u meet someone and fall in love it’s just a natural progression for me 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobb40 · 13/04/2023 18:21

It’s just a little heartbreaking to realise the Man U love doesn’t feel the same way x

OP posts:
Provenza · 13/04/2023 19:24

I fully get you OP. As you said - for some, it’s a natural progression of the relationship to want to live together. Otherwise, it may feel like never ending dating, constantly dipping in and out of someone’s life. Which, again, may be what some people prefer.
Love is not enough. If you are not compatible in the vision for the future, it may be time to move on.

Cimone · 13/04/2023 20:49

He does not want to live with you for whatever reason he has. All the above are excuses, not reasons.

So you have a decision to make - either continue to enjoy things as they are, or move on to find a man who wants what you want and is happy to give it to you. Pick one.

samestyle · 13/04/2023 21:05

He would be a deal breaker for me, in fact I had a similar situation where, he said he wasn't ready, he wasn't looking forward to planning it even, just kept saying I was putting pressure on him. He obviously didn't feel as strongly as I did about a future. We broke up as I didn't want to hang around waiting for him to be at the same stage emotionally, I already felt I had wasted time with him, I think for it to work you both have to agree on a timeframe, it's not fair of him to say maybe this year or a couple of years. If you can't look forward to planning things in your relationship together then it's more of a casual bf/gf relationship rather than a serious future.

justanotherdrama · 13/04/2023 23:50

Bobb40 · 13/04/2023 17:17

Yes we have spoken about it before and he has always said yes we will but I’ve felt lately he is putting obstacles in the way and I have let resentment build as really there’s nothing stopping us moving in together we are in each others lives most days and if I’m honest I’m just a bit fed up going between 2 houses x

I totally understand how you must be feeling but also after 3 years if someone isn't prepared to be committed after all that time they potentially never are

Whatever you do make sure you rent your place out or make
Him rent his out and move into one or other to start with then if it all goes wrong neither of you are homeless

Morewineplease10 · 14/04/2023 01:16

I think it's fair enough tbh.
Pretty sure I'll never live with anyone again, no matter how much I love them!

If its a deal breaker for you, that's also fair enough of course!

What's so wrong with wanting the 'best of both worlds'?