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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I jealous?

32 replies

Changeling78 · 13/04/2023 12:19

So a quick background. I had a huge accident last year, I am recovering, been left with a life altering injury. Life isn’t worse, it’s different, I adapt. I’m a positive person and I’m looking forward, not back.

My OH on the other hand is acting very different. I’m not sure if it’s due to that or because he is turning 40 this year.
He started playing pool with his mates in a local pub once a week. That became twice a week. Fair enough, I don’t mind that. Now though it is all he talks about , constantly on his phone researching pool equipment or chatting to his mates about it. Annoying but I’m gritting my teeth. Him and his mate (Carl) chat constantly about it. His mate has a son (Bob) a bit younger than our son.

Over the easter he had little time off work, the time he did have I planned things for us to do. He invited Carl and Bob to every one of those things. The one day he had off, he arranged for himself, our DS, Carl and Bob to spend the day doing things (pool hall) together. I reminded him he had a Dd too so he did take her. I was invited as an after thought but due to my disability I can’t do it.
Yesterday it all came to a head when I asked him if we could do something and not invite them.

He says I’m jealous of Carl. I say that I would just like a day together without his pool buddy.
He really lost it, shouting me down. He says he spends plenty of quality time with the kids, I said what about me? He replied, what about you.
We are going on holiday this year, our holiday last year was cancelled due to my accident. He wanted to invite his mates and families.
I feel like I am not enough fun for him anymore. This year has been traumatic for me, he’s living his best life. Nothing has changed for him. Sorry I’ve gone off on a tangent. I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall with him.

OP posts:

flipent · 13/04/2023 12:22

No you're not jealous - but he clearly has something going on that he's not saying to you directly.
It sounds like an avoidance technique.

LovelyCat · 13/04/2023 12:23

Sounds like he's carving a new life for himself. Maybe he's finding the changes since your accident too much and Carl is an escape. Is he bisexual?

FishChipsMushyPeas · 13/04/2023 12:25

It definitely sounds like he either cant handle the new you or is somehow resentful of the fact that you cant do the things you used to. Is he embarrassed to be seen out with you?

LovelyCat · 13/04/2023 12:26

You said nothing has changed for him, but is that really true? It changed his partner and how things are done. I'm sure your accident has had an impact on your relationship and the family. If not only as PTSD from seeing you go through it. It must have changed all of your lives directly or indirectly. Maybe he is trying to restore some normality or do the things he likes with someone who can.

LovelyCat · 13/04/2023 12:27

Being a carer is a huge strain and going through or witnessing someone close go through a life changing experience can make you think of your own mortality and what you want out of life, it can make you reassess your relationship. Perhaps there were always cracks in the relationships or perhaps what you bonded over is no longer possible since the injury... so many possible explanations as you can by my several comments. I just think it's too simplistic and unrealistic to say nothing's changed.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 13/04/2023 12:28

Maybe he is trying to restore some normality or do the things he likes with someone who can.

Maybe but to be playing pool constantly feels like he is avoiding being at home. When he replied, 'what about you' it sounds like resentful. Could he somehow blame you for the accident OP?

LovelyCat · 13/04/2023 12:28

It's not constantly it's twice a week

FishChipsMushyPeas · 13/04/2023 12:30

It might be twice a week but it has progressed to inviting Carl and Bob to everything the OP plans.

LovelyCat · 13/04/2023 12:30

If it's a self inflicted injury you can see how easy it is to be resentful. I saw it in my family circle wife had to pick up more work since her husband's silly injury and she was so bitter.

Original poster

Changeling78 · 13/04/2023 12:30

No he’s straight and his mate is straight. They are more like brothers. My OHs hobby’s tend to be more like addictions and he finds friends within that particular hobby and they become his new best mate. For example, he used to do mountain biking and he had a best mate within that. As soon as the mb hobby was over, that best mate was phased out. Now that I’m thinking about it, this isn’t new behaviour on his part. Maybe it’s a new me less likely to put up with it.

OP posts:

LovelyCat · 13/04/2023 12:30

What if he has a crush on carl?

LovelyCat · 13/04/2023 12:31

so his personality is intense like that full on with someone then move on?

Opentooffers · 13/04/2023 12:31

I'm sorry you are going through this "what about you?" Says a lot really. You'd hope that someone who cared would realise how much you mean to them, especially when a big accident occurs, but in this case its made him check out.
What was your relationship like pre-accident? Had he showed any signs then of checking out?
I think marriage counselling or maybe post trauma counselling for both of you could help get to the crux of it. It's not acceptable to be mad at you for wanting to spend time with him. You bravely have enough to deal with.

Original poster

Changeling78 · 13/04/2023 12:33

FishChipsMushyPeas · 13/04/2023 12:28

Maybe he is trying to restore some normality or do the things he likes with someone who can.

Maybe but to be playing pool constantly feels like he is avoiding being at home. When he replied, 'what about you' it sounds like resentful. Could he somehow blame you for the accident OP?

He actually partly blames himself for my injury. It was an accident though and I don’t blame him at all.

OP posts:

FishChipsMushyPeas · 13/04/2023 12:34

Could it be that he struggles to be alone with you then? It reminds him of his guilt?

Original poster

Changeling78 · 13/04/2023 12:36

LovelyCat · 13/04/2023 12:31

so his personality is intense like that full on with someone then move on?

Yes, maybe it’s my turn to be phased out because I haven’t been much fun.

OP posts:

Original poster

Changeling78 · 13/04/2023 12:39

I don’t think he wants to leave me, to divorce. I think he would be happy to have me at home and him to be able to go about his business enjoying himself.

OP posts:

Skybluepinky · 13/04/2023 12:41

Sounds like he isn’t coping with the aftermath of yr accident so surrounds himself with others so he doesn’t have to deal with his feelings.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 13/04/2023 12:42

So you definitely need a conversation or perhaps counselling to see where his head is. His life will change after something like this surely too and he will need to accept that as you cant do as much then he will need to spend more time at home?

LovelyCat · 13/04/2023 12:44

I think you are jealous but you have a good reason to be. Definitely need an honest chat to see what's up with him. Some people avoid and want to escape or run away from 'mistakes' it could be his guilt or it could be something else.

Original poster

Changeling78 · 13/04/2023 12:51

I think I may ask about counselling. Maybe it has affected him more. I do feel like he’s checking out. I’d rather he didn’t. Something needs to change though, I won’t live the rest of my life in a marriage where I come last in line.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 13/04/2023 15:36

He sounds awful.

Jealous🙄
What a twat.

I think counselling is a good idea because remaining married to such a twat behaving like a 5 year old with a new best friend must be so unattractive.

The fact its a pattern is even sadder🙄.

SilverPeacock · 13/04/2023 15:46

My dh has had a few of these quite intense bromances over the years. He doesn’t lose it with me if I point it out to him though. I hope you can come to a resolution op, you deserve some care and attention.

Original poster

Changeling78 · 13/04/2023 18:38

@billy1966 sadly I agree. It’s not attractive.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 13/04/2023 20:03

You do deserve care and attention.

Mind yourself OP.

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