Am I jealous?

[Changeling78]

So a quick background. I had a huge accident last year, I am recovering, been left with a life altering injury. Life isn’t worse, it’s different, I adapt. I’m a positive person and I’m looking forward, not back.

My OH on the other hand is acting very different. I’m not sure if it’s due to that or because he is turning 40 this year.
He started playing pool with his mates in a local pub once a week. That became twice a week. Fair enough, I don’t mind that. Now though it is all he talks about , constantly on his phone researching pool equipment or chatting to his mates about it. Annoying but I’m gritting my teeth. Him and his mate (Carl) chat constantly about it. His mate has a son (Bob) a bit younger than our son.

Over the easter he had little time off work, the time he did have I planned things for us to do. He invited Carl and Bob to every one of those things. The one day he had off, he arranged for himself, our DS, Carl and Bob to spend the day doing things (pool hall) together. I reminded him he had a Dd too so he did take her. I was invited as an after thought but due to my disability I can’t do it.
Yesterday it all came to a head when I asked him if we could do something and not invite them.

He says I’m jealous of Carl. I say that I would just like a day together without his pool buddy.
He really lost it, shouting me down. He says he spends plenty of quality time with the kids, I said what about me? He replied, what about you.
We are going on holiday this year, our holiday last year was cancelled due to my accident. He wanted to invite his mates and families.
I feel like I am not enough fun for him anymore. This year has been traumatic for me, he’s living his best life. Nothing has changed for him. Sorry I’ve gone off on a tangent. I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall with him.

Maybe he can’t accept your accident and is looking for solace as both your lives
have changed. He sounds like he’s distancing himself sadly x

Unfortunately it’s fairly well established that men are much more likely to check out of a marriage when their wife gets seriously ill than vice versa (I’ve actually seen this happen with a family member, he had affair when she got cancer). It may be a variation of this?

NC for this as RP.

No you are not jealous

However I will give you my opinion as someone whose husband has become disabled. It took me a good 18 months to come to terms with the change in him, us, our future, our plans, everything. I felt like life had imploded, I grieved, felt angry, robbed etc.

I spent time out of the house because I felt suffocated by the huge responsibility I felt due to the dynamic shift.

I don't love my husband any less but we are different and it's been hard.

So sorry this has happened O.P, you sound brave, strong and resilient and you deserve love and care from your partner. Unfortunately It does sound as though he is running away from his responsibilities, maybe due to guilt or avoidance, it's hard to say. He needs to step up and stop behaving so selfishly.

Hey, op. I'm disabled too, post-accident tests found I also have a degenerative illness as well as the. life-altering injuries from the accident. I know when I have flare-ups and prolonged phases in bed my oh changes, our relationship changed too at that time. He feels overwhelmed at having to ’do’ all of the things, ’be’ both parents, remember all of the stuff, to be me and him for the children. I'm a little voice from the distance yelling down, has x got her homework, y has p.e. today, z needs trip money, and has everyone for their drinks bottles and coats.
I think counselling helped for us. He spoke about the fear of losing me while the kids are young, how will he be enough for them etc. Things came up that I hadn't considered. He needed a distraction, to be just him for a while and not think about all of the stuff, the enormity of it all emotionally as well as the physical side of caring for me. We still don't have a stair lift, for example, he lifts me up and down stairs.

Does that make sense a bit? Avoiding the responsibility for a while, in your husbands case he has a sort of addictive personality and throws himself into his latest hobby addiction.

Tell him you love him. (if you do ) see what his response is. Does he say to you he loves you?
If he blames himself for the accident he will carry that guilt with him too. Doesn't matter how many times you say it wasn't his fault. It will still be there -eating him. Try counselling. Pm me if you ever want to chat. It's hard being a disabled parent, hard for the whole family. I know my eldest almost hated me for a while because I couldn't do the activities I did before. Maybe not hate but bitterness? Resentment? She needed to talk things through with a counsellor too to help her process and readjust if that makes sense.

Take it easy x

I don’t have much to add to this, but can you afford and physically manage a holiday without him? I’d book one, so you get a holiday without pool twats including your dh. I agree don’t put up with this, it will be your dc coming last too and best for them to be clear that you don’t have to accept that in relationships!

It was an accident