Self sabotage and how to stop it.

[WhyCantITouchIt]

I seem to be on a path of self destruction and I don't know how to stop it.

I have a lovely boyfriend and a potentially brilliant relationship and I just don't seem to be able to appreciate it or him at all.

I feel like I'm waiting for him to screw up or let me down. I feel tense and uncomfortable when he tells me he loves me because it feels like a sick joke. I hate it when he compliments or says anything nice to/about me because it means he's thought about it. But if he says nothing, I worry he's embarrassed to he seen with me.

So now I actively go out of my way to make myself unattractive. Not because I don't want him to find me attractive but because, I don't know, it's like I'm punishing him for liking me? Or I'm aware that I'm nothing special and when we go out there will be hundreds of women who are all more attractive than me so it feels like a lie? I feel arrogant for believing him? I don't know.

I used to wear things that I knew I looked nice in. Now I hate doing anything that would be construed as 'making an effort'. I've gone from wearing things I looked nice in to leggings, his band t shirts and oversized hoodies. I feel hideous in them but I feel hideous and ridiculous if I wear anything nicer. I want to hide and not be seen.

This was always an issue when I was younger. I'd buy clothes a couple of sizes too big for me because I was quite slim (on reflection) and I felt that I looked like I was 'showing off' when I had no right to. That comes from my mum always telling me I was too fat and unattractive and no one would ever want me so I avoided doing anything that made me look like I thought I was attractive.

When I was 21, I was a size 8/10. I had a friend who was a 16/18. I'm just looking at a photo of myself wearing a dress she handed down to me that no longer fitted her (probably a 14). I used to wear loads of her hand me downs.

I feel like an idiot if I wear something like a dress. Or anything that flatters/accentuates my figure.

I used to sleep naked and be happy to cuddle him in bed. Now I wear a t shirt and knickers and sleep on the edge on my side of the bed. I feel like he doesn't want me anywhere near him and that I'm doing him a favour. He tells me that he loves it when I cuddle up to him but I can't bring myself to do it anymore. On the occasions when I do, I feel stupid and ridiculous afterwards. Or I wait until he's asleep so that he doesn't know.

I've put on a stone since we got together. He says he loves me and it doesn't matter how much weight I put on or lose it won't change how he feels about me. It's almost like I feel like "challenge accepted" and am making myself (in eyes) less attractive to him.

When he goes on his phone when were together, I'm convinced he's messaging other women or watching porn even though he's given me absolutely no reason to suspect it. I've never shared any of this with him but it means that rather than cuddle up to him on the sofa, I curl up at the other end away from him. He sometimes tries to hold and stroke my feet instead so I hide them under a huge blanket so he can't. All the while I feel tense and angry and anxious. I can't bring myself to look at him sometimes.

He's mentioned a couple of times that he'd like it if I wore nice lingerie occasionally - nothing outrageous - petty standard stuff that (from speaking to other men and women) is pretty commonplace and it made feel disgusted. By him? In myself? I don't know. I said I wouldn't ever do that and he's never mentioned it again. So I worry that he's finding it elsewhere (not in real life) if that's what he likes. The worst thing is that, before he mentioned it, I'd been looking at stuff to buy and had been planning on getting some. But now I'd feel I'd be doing it because he wanted it and not because I thought of it. And then any 'comedy' element of it (because i wouldnt look sexy) would be lost and I'd just have tried and failed to be what he likes.

When we first got together, he told me he'd been in love with me for a while but had never thought abut me sexually. It was just about us being together and spending time together etc. If that was the truth, then I find it hard to imagine that he looks/thinks about me sexually now. I'd it was a lie, then it means I can't trust anything he says to me.

It started off being wonderful. A few months ago, it was still great when we were together and I only had these thoughts when I wasn't with him. Now I have them all the time.

I feel tense, unattractive, undesirable etc. I've spoken with him about it and he says everything he could say but it feels like a lie. Why would he lie? I think he likes being in a relationship. He's not a cocklodger. We don't live together and he does loads for me. He's more than self sufficient and does more housework and cooking etc than I do when he's at mine. I know he was loving, faithful and a great paetner to his exes but I can't imagine he could feel similarly towards me. I don't feel like I deserve that.

He says he loves more than anything and I'm everything he's ever wanted - he can reel off the things he loves about me. He says he feels being with me has made him a better man.

im aware reading this back that, for various reasons, i put too much stock in how i look and what i look like to others, which is bad and shallow enough, but i dont go out of my way to try and make myself look better, i do the opposite. Like im sticking too fingers up at the world for me not being attractive enough.

We're going out tonight. Two nights ago, I was thinking about what to wear, how to do my hair, what make up I should wear - just looking forward to it. Today, I'm planning on having a shower at some point and wondering which t shirt to wear with my leggings.

Have you for one minute thought about what he must be thinking? Other side of bed, sofa, constant reassurance, covering body. If he was doing all that you would be going stir crazy.

You will push him away and then you can say to yourself you were right all along he never loved you, rather than you became so paranoid about yourself there was nothing he could do anymore.

Believe him
Dress up for you, to show the world that yes he is lucky to have you
Go out and have a great night
Life is too short OP.

I say this with kindness, but please seek professional help. This is no way to live.

Sorry you're going through this. I was the same, turned out, my instincts were correct. He was texting other women, I knew he wanked to porn all the time .. but he gaslit me making me feel I was crazy, I wasn't - he was doing all the things I thought he was.

re your comment:
"That comes from my mum always telling me I was too fat and unattractive and no one would ever want me so I avoided doing anything that made me look like I thought I was attractive".

Think all your self loathing stems from the above; your bullying mother has done you an awful lot of emotional harm. And you are still self sabotaging now because your mother's abusive behaviour towards you lives on in your head. Did your mother actually see you as "competition" I wonder for her man's affections?. If so that is her problem and not yours.

Did your parents also expect you to screw up and or let them down repeatedly, did they tell you regularly that you did that to them?. I sincerely hope you no longer have any contact with either parent these days if that is the case.

I would actively seek out a BACP registered therapist before your self sabotaging behaviour causes you only more pain and anguish.

Have you for one minute thought about what he must be thinking? Other side of bed, sofa, constant reassurance, covering body. If he was doing all that you would be going stir crazy.

There is no constant reassurance. We had a conversation about it once.

But, yes, I do think about how it must feel for him but then I felt like I'm doing the right thing by him. Or he won't have noticed. Or I'm protecting myself from thinking that he likes while all the time he's thinking of someone else.

And sometimes I know it's ridiculous but I still can't help it. I've tried to ignore how i feel but it causes me such physical pain and discomfort that I can't.

You will push him away and then you can say to yourself you were right all along he never loved you, rather than you became so paranoid about yourself there was nothing he could do anymore

I would know it was me. Rationally, I know it's me.

The thing is, I know (as much as anyone can) that he's not. This isn't a gaslighting situation.

It's all in my head. There is nothing in his behaviour towards or around me that backs up any of it specifically. It's all how I feel about myself.

Unless you address the root causes of all this (your mother) you could well repeat this in future relationships. Parental words hurt and they do have the power to ruin young lives. Do not let her words further ruin your life with your boyfriend now, that is why I urge you to seek therapy.

Re your comment:
"When I was 21, I was a size 8/10. I had a friend who was a 16/18. I'm just looking at a photo of myself wearing a dress she handed down to me that no longer fitted her (probably a 14). I used to wear loads of her hand me downs."

This friend was no friend of yours either was she; she was probably very much like your own mother in terms of personality.

I agree with you. I know you're right.

I've had counselling many times over the years and it hasn't helped.

I have a constant interior monologue in which I tell myself it would he best for both of us if I ended it. Or imaginary conversations daily where I break up with him.

I've tried to replace these with positive comments or use CBT strategies but they just feel like insincere words and like I'm gaslighting myself.

I've tried 'fake it till you make it' years ago and it worked for a while but I just found that people (well, men) took that as an invitation to 'be honest' about how they saw me. I don't know if it was meant to bring me down a peg or two or they thought I was confidenct akd string enough to hear an honest appraisal (not that they'd been asked for one!)

I don't know if my mother saw me as competition. From what she said, I think she was more embarrassed and ashamed of me because I wasn't pretty.

When my youngest child was 6 months old, we went out for my grandma's birthday and she told me I looked fat and should sit down. My brother sent me a photo of that day. I was not fat! I was breastfeeding and my boobs were huge. I still have the dress I was wearing on the photo which is a 12.

My confidence was pretty good up until this relationship. Even when I've dated men who've been critical, I've just thought "fuck you, I'm fine as I am."

I don't know what it is about this relationship. He has never knew criticised me or said a bad word about me and yet I've just lost all my confidence and feel stupid, ridiculous, embarrassed and ashamed now if I'm faced with the thought of having to look nice.

I'm sitting on the sofa. I need to have a shower and think about getting ready. We're leaving in an hour and a half. But my heart is racing and I can't decide what to wear and I'm putting it off until it's too late and I'll have to leave with wet hair, having thrown on whatever I could find and no make up. Because that's what I always do. And I can explain looking like shit away by saying "I only just got out the shower 10 mins before we left".

Finding a good counsellor is like finding a new relationship. This is the person you will trust with everything; more than you've trusted anybody before. It's hard. It's a compatibility thing. It's just as much about finding the right person as it is the right treatment.

I don't think you've exhausted the counselling avenue any more than someone who has had some unsuccessful relationships has exhausted the 'romance' avenue. Keep looking.

This friend was no friend of yours either was she; she was probably very much like your own mother in terms of personality.

Looking back, she probably was. She said similar things to me about me to my mother said. That has made it harder to remove them from my inner voice because it wasn't just my mum or just friend who said it. It was my mum and my best friend. Probably the two people who I should have been able to trust to be honest with me.

I understand that I've sought relationships with men who said similar things as well. But I'd had so much experience managing people and comments like that that it was almost like aternoff a duck's back. Except that it wasn't. And all the words have stuck.

I don't understand why it's coming out this violently now though.

I don't know what it is about this relationship

Probably the fact that he's giving you nothing to argue against. Nothing to model on the experience with your Mum. That's what you're doing; you're trying to recreate the experience you had as a child, where your primary 'love' figure is critical, judgemental, and would never genuinely say or think anything nice about you. This relationship is highlighting to you where your behaviour is inappropriate. If a previous partner was unpleasant to you, then 'Yeah, well, I don't care what you think' would fit in great, just like it did with mum. But now, with this guy... your established patterns look out of place.

Might that be right?

Wow.

I think that's probably spot on!

My own head is filling in the blanks that he's leaving by not being critical.

Interesting...

I need to stop seeing him as some sort of silent assassin, don't I?

Because its normal for your boyfriend to like you and find you attractive.

It's not normal to always feel on the defensive and have to mentally guard yourself against someone who is supposed to care about you.

Because he isn't saying any of these negative things, I'm assuming they're happening privately in his thoughts and they'd be a lot harder to guard myself against because I wouldn't know what they were or when they were occurring.

Your BF is not critical unlike your mother who clearly is critical of all aspects of your very being and is basically not emotionally healthy at all. She remains a dangerous presence to you and I sincerely hope you do not see either parent at all these days. Read about narcissistic personality disorder re your mother and see how much of this fits in with her behaviour towards you.

CBT is not going to cut it and indeed it has not. You need more than that, far more. You likely need a therapist specialising in trauma based therapy, not just counselling. Such people do exist and I urge you to find one.

I think your mother saw you as competition for men and their affections so decided to destroy your self worth by going for the jugular as she has done. Your "friend" who passed on her hand me downs to you was no friend of yours but likely a narcissist too. Bet your mother liked this person no end. These types of people are truly wolves in sheeps clothing.

Your boyfriend is to all intents and purposes emotionally healthy unlike these two women who have featured all too large in your life.

Hi Honey

You are extremely articulate and self aware. You know that you are self sabotaging because it then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy - I am not good enough, I therefore know that I will be dumped/cheated on/hurt, so I will make sure that I do everything in my power for that not to happen to me and when it does as I create it to protect myself, I can then pat myself on the back and say to myself "you see I was right and so was everyone else. I am completely unlovable/unattractive etc".

Also if you can read his mind can you get me the lottery numbers for Saturday!

You sound fantastic. With you own insight it is you that should be guiding others.

It's not normal to always feel on the defensive and have to mentally guard yourself against someone who is supposed to care about you

Careful how you phrase this stuff, though. It is, in fact, normal for you. That's not because there's something about you that's not normal. Quite the opposite: You are doing exactly what any psychologically health person does when habitually under attack: you are defending. What you're doing is the right thing, but your circumstances have changed and you haven't changed with them. That's normal too. It takes a long time for emotional defences to die down. Some people never get to the stage of self realisation you're at.

I think you're further along the path to being ok about this than you think; you're self aware, you're questioning, you're open.

Careful about saying what's 'normal' and what's not. Careful about saying you need to stop feeling how you feel. Now is the time for self validation: what you feel makes sense. Even if it doesn't fit right now. It's a bit like expecting a child who was bitten by a dog years ago not to be afraid of dogs now, because it's not 'normal' to be afraid of dogs. It is to that child, and for very good reason.

This.
You need therapy. You are worth being loved, being happy. I'd seek therapy to raise your self-esteem and help you communicate better with partners.

You are clearly intelligent, articulate and self-aware, op.

Great posts by @Watchkeys and @AttilaTheMeerkat - I'm glad they resonate with you.

Best of luck on your journey to happiness and to silencing the self-critic. 💐

Thank you so much for posting this @WhyCantITouchIt, it resonates so much with me and it’s interesting to read others’ replies

I’ve experienced similar today where my DP is due to stay at mine this weekend and I’ve been on the verge of just texting, asking him to not come round. I don’t know why but it seems that when I get closer I start pulling away. Feel like he’s only with me as a last resort etc when he has given me no reason for this. I just feel like I want to run away

Don’t want to derail your post but your thoughts about yourself and wanting to almost prove yourself right are so familiar. No advice but you’re not alone 🌷

VitaminSea77

Not a derail at all! It's reassuring but also shit to know I'm not alone.

I went out the other evening with him and some friends. I tried not to think about it but I'd left it too late to get ready properly. But at least I was clean and dressed.

He asked before we left if he looked alright. I said of course he did, he looked great etc but I would never ask that of him or anyone else.

We went out for the day yesterday. He mentioned once, many, many months ago, that he thought the accent of the place we went to was 'really sexy'. I enjoyed what we did and the day when it was just us but I alsp felt tense and uncomfortable. I avoided speaking to anyone. Was aware of who he was speaking with. I don't have that accent and felt like I was in competition (and failing to keep up) with every woman we encountered. He's mentioned a few things in passing that he likes/finds attractive/thinks are sexy (just normally in passing. Not in a negging way) and I feel that I have/am none of those things so what does he see in me?

If someone else was saying this to me, I'd think it was utterly irrational but it doesn't feel it to me.

When we talked about it before, I told him I felt I was being compared to all other women and that he wished i possessed these qualities. He said that wasn't the case and that he didn't know any man who went out and sat there wishing his girlfriend could be more like some random other woman in the room. But I know that they do because I've been out with men who did it.

He hasn't done it since that conversation but it means that I'm comparing myself to other women all the time and wondering if he's looking at them and prefers them to me. That makes me feel ashamed of not being good enough. I get caught up in a cycle of feeling inadequate and embarrassed and so I withdraw or remove myself from situations so I don't spoil them for him by being there.

I feel like I'm not listening to myself by trying to ignore how I feel and what I think. But other people say that the way I think isn't rational and ill never be happy and I'm not doing myself any favours.

I've just had another birthday. I'm another year older. Another year closer to my next decade (very close tbh) and I'm not sure I have the energy to keep trying.

If you don't have the energy to keep trying, stop. There are no rules to say that you have to be in a relationship. Maybe he's perfect but that doesn't mean he's perfect for you, or that anybody else would/could/should be.

How are you when you're single?

How are you when you're single?

Fine tbh.

I feel confident and, I suppose, attractive. I never give any thought to what someone else is thinking about me really.

I go out to places on my own and feel confident doing so. I'll chat to both men and women. Occasionally, I'll be a bit flirty 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't feel any differently about myself to how I feel about other people. That everyone is attractive their own way and that no one is going to be liked by everyone etc. I have quite a healthy mindset when I'm single. I'm no different to anyone else. And because my boyfriend is so much nicer than anyone else I've dated and only has experience of healthy relationships, I thought I'd be able to do it this time. I thought it would be different. But it's not.

The biggest issue I have with it is that my mum's biggest fear was being single (she's never been without a relationship). And she projected that fear onto me. Rather than make me strive to be better (as I think was her intention), I internalised it as "what's the point?" I then dated men I knew weren't really into me and felt guilty if they seemed to like me because I felt they hadn't realised I wasn't good enough. So everything my mum said was just reinforced by my experiences.

I always felt unlovable. I now feel that everyone is lovable and the ability to love comes from the other person. If that makes sense? Except when I try to be in a relationship. When I just feel hideous and unlovable and ashamed again. It doesn't make me feel loved or 'validated' or attractive knowing that someone is with me. Quite the opposite in fact.

It's almost as though she brought me up to be, and I have become, exactly what she feared I would be the most. I hate the feeling that she has 'won'.

I've tried to overcome it but it's like as soon as I try, the wheels are set in motion and I don't know how to change the trajectory.