Self sabotage and how to stop it.

[WhyCantITouchIt]

I seem to be on a path of self destruction and I don't know how to stop it.

I have a lovely boyfriend and a potentially brilliant relationship and I just don't seem to be able to appreciate it or him at all.

I feel like I'm waiting for him to screw up or let me down. I feel tense and uncomfortable when he tells me he loves me because it feels like a sick joke. I hate it when he compliments or says anything nice to/about me because it means he's thought about it. But if he says nothing, I worry he's embarrassed to he seen with me.

So now I actively go out of my way to make myself unattractive. Not because I don't want him to find me attractive but because, I don't know, it's like I'm punishing him for liking me? Or I'm aware that I'm nothing special and when we go out there will be hundreds of women who are all more attractive than me so it feels like a lie? I feel arrogant for believing him? I don't know.

I used to wear things that I knew I looked nice in. Now I hate doing anything that would be construed as 'making an effort'. I've gone from wearing things I looked nice in to leggings, his band t shirts and oversized hoodies. I feel hideous in them but I feel hideous and ridiculous if I wear anything nicer. I want to hide and not be seen.

This was always an issue when I was younger. I'd buy clothes a couple of sizes too big for me because I was quite slim (on reflection) and I felt that I looked like I was 'showing off' when I had no right to. That comes from my mum always telling me I was too fat and unattractive and no one would ever want me so I avoided doing anything that made me look like I thought I was attractive.

When I was 21, I was a size 8/10. I had a friend who was a 16/18. I'm just looking at a photo of myself wearing a dress she handed down to me that no longer fitted her (probably a 14). I used to wear loads of her hand me downs.

I feel like an idiot if I wear something like a dress. Or anything that flatters/accentuates my figure.

I used to sleep naked and be happy to cuddle him in bed. Now I wear a t shirt and knickers and sleep on the edge on my side of the bed. I feel like he doesn't want me anywhere near him and that I'm doing him a favour. He tells me that he loves it when I cuddle up to him but I can't bring myself to do it anymore. On the occasions when I do, I feel stupid and ridiculous afterwards. Or I wait until he's asleep so that he doesn't know.

I've put on a stone since we got together. He says he loves me and it doesn't matter how much weight I put on or lose it won't change how he feels about me. It's almost like I feel like "challenge accepted" and am making myself (in eyes) less attractive to him.

When he goes on his phone when were together, I'm convinced he's messaging other women or watching porn even though he's given me absolutely no reason to suspect it. I've never shared any of this with him but it means that rather than cuddle up to him on the sofa, I curl up at the other end away from him. He sometimes tries to hold and stroke my feet instead so I hide them under a huge blanket so he can't. All the while I feel tense and angry and anxious. I can't bring myself to look at him sometimes.

He's mentioned a couple of times that he'd like it if I wore nice lingerie occasionally - nothing outrageous - petty standard stuff that (from speaking to other men and women) is pretty commonplace and it made feel disgusted. By him? In myself? I don't know. I said I wouldn't ever do that and he's never mentioned it again. So I worry that he's finding it elsewhere (not in real life) if that's what he likes. The worst thing is that, before he mentioned it, I'd been looking at stuff to buy and had been planning on getting some. But now I'd feel I'd be doing it because he wanted it and not because I thought of it. And then any 'comedy' element of it (because i wouldnt look sexy) would be lost and I'd just have tried and failed to be what he likes.

When we first got together, he told me he'd been in love with me for a while but had never thought abut me sexually. It was just about us being together and spending time together etc. If that was the truth, then I find it hard to imagine that he looks/thinks about me sexually now. I'd it was a lie, then it means I can't trust anything he says to me.

It started off being wonderful. A few months ago, it was still great when we were together and I only had these thoughts when I wasn't with him. Now I have them all the time.

I feel tense, unattractive, undesirable etc. I've spoken with him about it and he says everything he could say but it feels like a lie. Why would he lie? I think he likes being in a relationship. He's not a cocklodger. We don't live together and he does loads for me. He's more than self sufficient and does more housework and cooking etc than I do when he's at mine. I know he was loving, faithful and a great paetner to his exes but I can't imagine he could feel similarly towards me. I don't feel like I deserve that.

He says he loves more than anything and I'm everything he's ever wanted - he can reel off the things he loves about me. He says he feels being with me has made him a better man.

im aware reading this back that, for various reasons, i put too much stock in how i look and what i look like to others, which is bad and shallow enough, but i dont go out of my way to try and make myself look better, i do the opposite. Like im sticking too fingers up at the world for me not being attractive enough.

We're going out tonight. Two nights ago, I was thinking about what to wear, how to do my hair, what make up I should wear - just looking forward to it. Today, I'm planning on having a shower at some point and wondering which t shirt to wear with my leggings.

I feel confident and, I suppose, attractive. I never give any thought to what someone else is thinking about me really.

I go out to places on my own and feel confident doing so. I'll chat to both men and women. Occasionally, I'll be a bit flirty

I'm aware that I can do all of this and keep people at arm's length. They don't get to see the 'real me' or my mum's version of me. I don't reflect on them in any way. I have nothing to prove to them. I can't let them down.

I have a constant interior monologue in which I tell myself it would he best for both of us if I ended it.

OK, so what's happening here is that there's a part of your subconscious mind that is still operating on the core belief that was instilled into you by your mother - no one would ever want me. If that is true (as this part of you believes) then it's telling you that it would be better for you to get out now and to reinforce that erroneous belief it's urging you to make yourself unattractive in order to end the relationship.

This part of you is NOT trying to hurt you; on the contrary it's trying to protect you from the pain of being rejected and take you back to being single - a place where you feel comfortable and confident (and immune to being hurt).

The reason that CBT/counselling won't work is that it is accepted by you logical mind but not your subconscious - which is exactly why it feels false.

The first step is to look at your negative core beliefs, have a look at this guide;

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

Secondly please consider remedial hypnosis. The way I can best describe it is that CBT tells you where the weeds are in your mental garden and how to control them - RH pulls them out by the roots!

I hate the feeling that she has 'won

I think this might be a bit like when you have an argument with someone who is a bit nuts; the best way to deal with it is to walk away. Recognise that there is no argument, rather than keep trying to win (or stop the other person winning)

Does that make sense? Not sure what I'm suggesting you do about it, just thinking on my feet, it might prompt a thought (process) for you that helps...

Eyesopenwideawake

Thank you.

I have actually already read up on that about core beliefs and the subconscious.

I've just emailed a practitioner in my local area.

I know what you mean. I think that's why I put the 'won' in inverted commas.

I don't really feel that she's won. More that she was right. Or I've become exactly what she said I was. Not so much that she's won maybe but that someone who didn't have my actual best interests at heart has had such a profoundly impact on me.

I feel like I've let myself down.

Not so much that she's won maybe but that someone who didn't have my actual best interests at heart has had such a profoundly impact on me

But how do you know that, without your Mum's influence, your current partner would have been perfect for you? Perhaps you would have felt uncomfortable anyway? I would feel uncomfortable if my partner had a history of telling me traits he found sexy that I didn't have. Or if he'd asked me to wear sexy underwear. Or if he'd said he really liked me at first, but not sexually. Or that I'd made him a better man; that's his responsibility, not mine. All of those things would set my teeth on edge and make me feel tense, and like perhaps he would prefer someone else, or needed me too much for my liking.

It started off being wonderful

Well, then you are capable of 'wonderful relationship' status, then, aren't you?

I spent ages being really volatile in relationships. I was convinced it was because my parents had a violent relationship, so it seemed 'normal' to me to fly off the handle, etc. I did everything to try to calm myself down... my partners were really nice people, who were kind and sweet to me, and had happy friendships and family relationships: it must be me, right? And it was, but not in the way I thought. I didn't realise that it was my responsibility to stay away from people who trigger my issues. It doesn't take much to set me off, to this day, but I left behind the old relationships and have chosen someone who feels calming to be around.

You need to stay away from people who trigger your issues, too. It's your responsibility to yourself. Respect yourself. That means 'Don't look at yourself as faulty', because that's not how you look at someone you respect. Don't look at yourself as needing to change, because that's not how you look at someone you respect. Look at yourself as a person who is both an individual, and has been shaped, as we all have, by her experiences. Then, cater for that. Don't squash it or try to shut it up, or make it go away. That's you. That's who you are. You are unique, and need a very specific person to suit you. Just like the rest of us.

Sadly, it's all come to a bit of a head.

We went out last night with friends and had a lovely time but I still had all the thoughts all the time.

We got back and we were both a bit tipsy. We ended up talking. I don't really know how it started and neither does he.

We've barely spoken to each other today. It's not hostile and there was no anger there's just a really sad atmosphere. He asked what I think the solution should be and what I want but I couldn't answer.

I know the only solution is to split up. Neither of us want that but neither of us wants to feel like this either. I know the thoughts aren't something I can just stop because even when he was telling me that he loves and I'm everything he's ever wanted, I just felt sad and empty.

He deserves better than to live with this and I can't cope with feeling like this any more.

I'm just sitting in the garden crying. I feel pathetic.

It's not the only solution, and even if you do split up you may carry this behaviour onto the next relationship. I hope the practitioner gets back to you soon. Hang in there - you can get over this.

What I don't understand is why you're saying you had a lovely time, when you were having all these horrible thoughts. If I was having horrible thoughts like that, it would spoil my evening.

Have you heard of cognitive dissonance? It seems like you're telling yourself you had a lovely time, despite the fact that your evening was spoilt. The question is, why won't you let how you really felt be your reality? Why the cover up?

It's hard to explain.

The evening was lovely. We laughed and had fun but I still had this narrative running through my head.

It's like the two experiences run concurrently in parallel. Sometimes one overtakes the other to become the predominant narrative. So I might momentarily 'forget' the negative narrative but, equally, the negative one might overtake the 'enjoying the evening' narrative depending on what else is happening.

Yes, that's cognitive dissonance. You will have learned it with your experience with your mum; you're constantly feeling criticised, but you can't spend your life saying 'I'm miserable, this is all just horrible', and there are genuinely moments where you feel ok, so you just convince yourself that 'feeling shit' and 'feeling fab' are sort of the same thing, because they're happening at once.

You're convincing yourself you had a great time, but you didn't. You had some fun, and you had some shit feelings.

I just googled 'cognitive dissonance', and found definitions, and then googled 'how to cure cognitive dissonance', and some stuff came up that it might be worth you reading.

I've done what you're doing. It's perfectly possible to sort it out.

You need therapy my friend
this is a miserable existence and all the childhood shit coming out and it’s coming out hard

you can change this , it takes work , reading , therapy and time

but better out than in
and better when young than at my age (late 40s)
romantic relationships unfortunately are the area where this shit come to the fore most often

@WhyCantITouchIt i get how you feel and it’s hard to get out your own head, especially for ingrained thoughts and behaviours. My mum did always say I was fat and would always have a chat with me. She would say I was thin when I had a thigh tap and can see all my ribs. I am overweight and not confident. Spent years single because of it.

I can’t believe my DP is with me. Lack of texts or wanting to see me means in my head he is cheating or losing interest. I wore baggy clothes. I also think my mum made me a man hater, saying they were only with me for one thing. Even though she was with my dad for 50 years. Made me independent to the point I didn’t need anyone. said she was worried I would never met anyone.

I met DP and really liked him. He worried hard at the barriers I created. Still 8 months in and I was convinced he was with me for sex. He even said at one point we wouldn’t have sex for a month to prove he loved me.

My mum died unexpectedly. He stepped up and proved he loved me. No questions asked drove me 6 hrs to get there. Stayed with me for weeks. Saw me at my worst. Still loved me and wanted to have sex when I was ready or just cuddle me.

took that part of vulnerability when my life fell apart to prove to me he was with me for me. We are now moving in together. I am still sabotaging thinking he doesn’t want to or other issues. But I remember he is with me for me.

its only your head that is creating barriers. Remember he loves you for you. Baby steps but you are a unique person who deserves to be loved.

Why do you think your mum would

1. bully you like that

2. say these awful things about your appearance?

3. Was your mum bullied by her mum, your nan?

4. Did your mum have an unhappy childhood?

Reframe your mindset into a positive one.