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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get friendly with they neighbours?!

30 replies

newhome11 · 13/04/2023 07:10

Moved into a gated development, I thought it would be really friendly etc but it’s not. I suffer from social anxiety but hide it really well so we’ll in fact that my close friends don’t believe I have it.

ivevtruedvyo be friendly and say hello every time I see anyone. I also in the beginning went out on purpose when I saw kids n parents cycling n scootering on my private driveway (another thread on there) but it doesn’t lead to anything!

even parents with kids close in age to move I’ve said come over but met with many excuses. I say hi to one mum in particular and asked her for coffee she always says that would be nice but nothing goes anywhere.

there’s a Facebook for the residents of the development and I went on there to introduce myself and apart from one like and welcome it was largely ignored. What am I doing wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
newhome11 · 13/04/2023 07:10

apologies many typos. *the neighbours.

OP posts:
Differen · 13/04/2023 07:43

Can you organise something at the playground? A summer BBQ, a summer gala? I know it's a project, but that's where you will get to know people better especially if you work together on it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/04/2023 07:51

My instinct is to say that doesn’t surprise me, I can’t imagine people who chose to live in a gated community would be very friendly. But clearly that is my prejudice coming out.

I think trying to organise a community event as PP suggests is a good idea - if there’s no interest you can let it fall away. You could suggest something for the Coronation weekends??

Also when you are suggesting meet ups with people follow up with dates.

Give yourself 3 months to give it a good go, and after that if people aren’t interested then you can forget it.

AcrobaticCardigan · 13/04/2023 08:21

Are you trying too hard & being over familiar? This tends to put people off. Getting to know people can be a long gradual process.

JorisBonson · 13/04/2023 08:26

AcrobaticCardigan · 13/04/2023 08:21

Are you trying too hard & being over familiar? This tends to put people off. Getting to know people can be a long gradual process.

This. I wouldn't like that from my neighbours. Just because we live next to each other doesn't mean we are friends.

dimpleton · 13/04/2023 08:28

How long ago did you move in?

SquashPenguin · 13/04/2023 08:28

I live on a normal street, but being totally honest I can’t stand talking to my neighbours. Just because I live near these people doesn’t mean I want to be their friends. I’m quite introverted and unsocial like that. I’ll say hello in passing, I’m not rude obviously, but being invited round to their houses is something I would actively avoid. Some people are just like this!

Original poster
newhome11 · 13/04/2023 08:29

5.5 months ago

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 13/04/2023 08:29

Personally, I'd be put off by this and actively avoid a 'friendly neighbour'.

I lived in my last house for 15 years. In that time, I did little more than say hello to a few people. I went into my NDN's house once and the woman over the road's house once.

Not everyone wants to be friends with their neighbours. It's all a bit too close for comfort.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2023 08:30

I really think you need to let this go and just get on with your own affairs. A lot of people don't want to have friendships with their neighbours. They want to be friendly, but they don't want to be involved in their neighbours lives. I'm one of those people. Also, if a friendship does come about, you need to let it develop naturally, and that can take time. If you're being a bit too pushy about it you could definitely be putting people off.

Skankhunt84 · 13/04/2023 08:31

It's probably nothing personal op, some people just prefer to keep to themselves/keep a distance from neighbours.

I'm very happy to wave or say good morning to my neighbours but I don't want to develop a relationship with them. I prefer to stay quite anonymous.

TrashyPanda · 13/04/2023 08:33

Keep smiling and saying hello

make a remark about the weather

tell them their garden looks lovely

sort of low-key friendly.

and if things don’t ever develop any further than that, it’s their loss, not yours.

hugefanofcheese · 13/04/2023 08:37

I like the idea of getting involved with a community event or bbq at yours over the coronation weekend. Sort of a coordinated attempt at getting people talking rather than lot of individual efforts.

I'm quite introverted and would be a bit wary of someone moving in and being over friendly immediately as how do you shake them off if they latch onto you?

I think keep saying hello and having a quick chat when you see people but don't push too much on the coffees etc or coming out every time they're playing (if you don't want them playing on your drive then that's a separate discussion as you say, they're not obliged to make friends with you because they use it).

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 13/04/2023 08:37

Put a note through each door, inviting them for tea/coffee and cakes at yours, on a particular day, at a certain time?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2023 08:44

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 13/04/2023 08:37

Put a note through each door, inviting them for tea/coffee and cakes at yours, on a particular day, at a certain time?

Good grief, do not do this.

Pringleface · 13/04/2023 08:53

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 13/04/2023 08:37

Put a note through each door, inviting them for tea/coffee and cakes at yours, on a particular day, at a certain time?

Fuck no.

I would honestly stop trying. There’s nothing more annoying than a neighbour trying too hard to turn it into Ramsey Street. Stick to a hello/wave/lovely day isn’t it when you see people but otherwise get on with your life.

SquashPenguin · 13/04/2023 09:04

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 13/04/2023 08:37

Put a note through each door, inviting them for tea/coffee and cakes at yours, on a particular day, at a certain time?

I’d put this note in the bin and go out of my way to avoid this neighbour at all costs if I had this come through my door.

MinnieEgg · 13/04/2023 09:13

I think most people just want a cordial relationship with their neighbours. A take a parcel in relationship.

GOODCAT · 13/04/2023 09:17

With a new build development people are usually more friendly as everyone is in the same boat. I got to know more neighbours by speaking to those who spend time in their front garden.

We live right next to some retirement flats. The sun is in the front of these in the morning so many of them sit in their front gardens, so are easy to chat to. Others they are just gardening there, so if you do work in the front of yours, you may find people are a little more chatty.

I invite people in if they are chatty and I have time and get to know them better that way.

Someone I know looks after other people's pets when they are away and has got to know quite a few people that way. Word spread rapidly.

Are there any kids the same age as yours that you could invite for a play date or walk to a local park or something similar?

Mummy2mybear · 13/04/2023 09:18

Some people like to be private aren't too keen on building friendships etc with neighbours. I have to admit I am one of them I find it bliss to just live my life without worrying about neighbours and I would avoid anything through my letter box too, neighbours just people who live near you don't take it to heart OP you are really overthinking it Many people just want to be left alone x

Bearonthestair · 13/04/2023 09:23

It's only been 5.5 months. So you moved in before Christmas. It's been cold and dark. I don't think I have seen my neighbours much over the last 5 months and I'm in my house 10 years. Just wave and be friendly. It takes time but I think most people just want a civil,superficial relationship with neighbours. 5.5 months is still at the curtain twitching stage!

SittingOnTheChair · 13/04/2023 09:23

I've lived in my current house for 15 years and I've only ever had a brief chat with 2 of my neighbours. One about a fence and one about their building works.

TheFollies · 13/04/2023 09:25

SquashPenguin · 13/04/2023 09:04

I’d put this note in the bin and go out of my way to avoid this neighbour at all costs if I had this come through my door.

Show quote history

And there’s the true Mn note, OP.

In relation to your actual question, you may just be surrounded by people who prefer to keep a civil distance from neighbours, as you can’t distance yourselves if a friendship with a neighbour goes wrong, or if you turn out (in their eyes) to be awful, or who’ve been burned before. (We bought a former party house whose previous occupants had made themselves deeply unpopular…)

I actually don’t think it’s a bad idea to invite everyone to yours collectively for a coffee — it takes the pressure off individuals, means you’ve signalled a desire to be generally friendly, might mean that someone might include you in a barbecue or something at their house. We moved in November and put notes through our neighbours doors inviting them for a mince pie and mulled wine just before Christmas. We remained on excellent terms with both closest neighbours, though they hated one another. (Which is another thing to bear in mind — pre-established enmities meaning people don’t want to socialise with other neighbours.)

But I wouldn’t take it personally either way.

Bowbowbo · 13/04/2023 09:29

A good relationship with neighbours makes your life better (parcels, spare keys, a DIY emergency, worrying if milk bottles aren’t taken in etc) but it’s not something that can be forced, it just happens. And in my experience they are not friends as such, more like supportive colleagues. Just smile, nod hello, make small talk, but no invitations - that seems to suit most people

Original poster
newhome11 · 13/04/2023 10:20

Thank you everyone. I think as I suffer from anxiety I worry everyone hates me or thinks I’m anti-social! That’s why I keep
sniling and being chatty to people. If I’m honest I’m quite lonely living here, it’s very quiet. I don’t have any friends in this new area. It would be nice for the kids to get friendly with the neighbours too. I’d love if they had friends to go around or just play on the green areas where I can see them.

OP posts:
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