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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has secret Debts!!

27 replies

Mixedracequeen13 · 13/04/2023 06:46

Hi all!
okay so I went on my partners emails I know I should of , but he has been acting very touchy and moody so I investigated , Anyway while I was on there I seen in the archived messages loads of emails saying he had received pay day loans for thousands !! And that he hasn’t paid back his credit card and that he owes like thousands to another card !
i don’t know what to do he will know I’ve been snooping if I say I know about the Debts! We have a house and a daughter I’m worried he’s going to keep getting more debts and we will loose our house!!! Please help how can I I’m around this situation !

OP posts:
BCBird · 13/04/2023 06:54

I feel.for you. My partner,we didn't live together,was the same
He did tell.me but was not bothered. I was told not to open the door to anyone official when I was at his house. I really don't know how you can broach this without him.knowing you have been snooping. Have u noticed any difference in his spending pattern, or for e.g. a reluctance to buy something that could spark a conversation re money? Surely if u continue to pay the mortgage ur house is safe. Don't sign.any documents he presents to u in case he uses the house as capital. I.am not saying he will. Hand hold

thatsn0tmyname · 13/04/2023 06:58

I think you need to be direct with him, say you've seen the emails and that you need the full picture. Your security trumps his feelings.

DustyLee123 · 13/04/2023 07:03

Do you have your house owned as Tenants in Common ? If so it protects your half.

Original poster
Mixedracequeen13 · 13/04/2023 07:25

BCBird · 13/04/2023 06:54

I feel.for you. My partner,we didn't live together,was the same
He did tell.me but was not bothered. I was told not to open the door to anyone official when I was at his house. I really don't know how you can broach this without him.knowing you have been snooping. Have u noticed any difference in his spending pattern, or for e.g. a reluctance to buy something that could spark a conversation re money? Surely if u continue to pay the mortgage ur house is safe. Don't sign.any documents he presents to u in case he uses the house as capital. I.am not saying he will. Hand hold

Thanks for your reply . How did u deal with it?
no I’ve not noticed any changes in money apart from other day he said he was abit short of money this month!!
the mortgage is in both our names yes .. it worries me cos he’s not paid back any of the loans so I know his credit will be so bad I don’t want it to affect the house !!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixedracequeen13 · 13/04/2023 07:26

DustyLee123 · 13/04/2023 07:03

Do you have your house owned as Tenants in Common ? If so it protects your half.

Yes we are both named on the mortgage . Will they do a credit check on him
when it renews next year? That’s what worries me !

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixedracequeen13 · 13/04/2023 07:27

thatsn0tmyname · 13/04/2023 06:58

I think you need to be direct with him, say you've seen the emails and that you need the full picture. Your security trumps his feelings.

He will go absoloutley mad if he knows I was snooping that’s the thing but I may not have another option xx

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 13/04/2023 07:32

Do you know what he's spending it on, gambling, alcohol, day to day stuff, hobby, expensive car.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 13/04/2023 07:33

Both bring in the mortgage is not the same as Tenants in Common. You can either be Joint Tenants, in which case your share would be used to pay his debts, or Tenants in Common where your share could not be touched to service his debts. I suspect it's Joint Tenants but it can easily be changed.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 13/04/2023 07:34

Mixedracequeen13 · 13/04/2023 07:26

Yes we are both named on the mortgage . Will they do a credit check on him
when it renews next year? That’s what worries me !

Show quote history

That's not what tenants in common means OP. Tenants in common is where you each own 50% of the house (or 70/30 or whatever you decided when it was bought)

Joint tenants is when you both own 100% together.

Tenants in common would mean he could only lose his half of the house, as he doesn't own the other half. Joint tenants means he can lose the whole lot.

You should have been asked to choose which way you wanted to own the house during all the form filling with the solicitor during the purchase.

If you change mortgage company at renewal then yes, they'll do a credit check. If you stay with the same one they may not.

Have you checked your credit rating? If you're 'financially linked' then his rating will affect yours. I don't know if a mortgage is 'financially linked' but I think it might be. If you have a joint bank account then you definitely are linked.

comfyoldjeans · 13/04/2023 07:37

Hi OP...do you have a basic list of all your household income and outgoings? Presumably your partner is paying the minimum payment on things as if he wasn't, you'd likely also be getting letters and visits from debt collectors.

If you don't feel able to tell him you've looked at his emails, use the fact that he told you he was a bit short on money this month and say you'd like to do a really simple family budget just so you can where your money goes each month and if it's possible to make any saving. You could do it together and if he's paying out repayments then he'll presumably need to tell you. That might provoke a conversation?

Debt causes people to feel a lot of shame and it's very easy to stick your head in the sand while it mounts up and up. I know because I've done it. 😬 If your partner has got himself into a mess and is just scared to own up, then this might help. You should then get advice from a debt charity.

If your partner is the type who just doesn't care and continues to hide things from you, then you've got a different set of problems. But for now I'd suggest creating a space where he can admit it and if he will, go and get some help.

Stillwearingskinnys · 13/04/2023 07:40

Are your worries only about the money, or the fact he kept it all from you?

EllandRd · 13/04/2023 07:44

You had no right to snoop

BlackFriday · 13/04/2023 07:46

Well, that's helpful @EllandRd
Maybe not, but it's just as well she did as now she has some idea of the shit she, as well as he, might be in.

Original poster
Mixedracequeen13 · 13/04/2023 07:51

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 13/04/2023 07:34

That's not what tenants in common means OP. Tenants in common is where you each own 50% of the house (or 70/30 or whatever you decided when it was bought)

Joint tenants is when you both own 100% together.

Tenants in common would mean he could only lose his half of the house, as he doesn't own the other half. Joint tenants means he can lose the whole lot.

You should have been asked to choose which way you wanted to own the house during all the form filling with the solicitor during the purchase.

If you change mortgage company at renewal then yes, they'll do a credit check. If you stay with the same one they may not.

Have you checked your credit rating? If you're 'financially linked' then his rating will affect yours. I don't know if a mortgage is 'financially linked' but I think it might be. If you have a joint bank account then you definitely are linked.

Show quote history

I would need to check but I think we both own 100 percent ! The mortgage comes out of bud bank account … he’s never missed any payments for the mortgage. We have a joint account that’s never been used . I’m going to check my credit now but I think mines jus average tbh.
knowing that we are both 100 on the mortgage what does this mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixedracequeen13 · 13/04/2023 07:51

Stillwearingskinnys · 13/04/2023 07:40

Are your worries only about the money, or the fact he kept it all from you?

Abit of both tbh but mainly the money . He’s not the sort of person to ask for help… if anything he will be stressing and embarrassed about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixedracequeen13 · 13/04/2023 07:52

BlackFriday · 13/04/2023 07:46

Well, that's helpful @EllandRd
Maybe not, but it's just as well she did as now she has some idea of the shit she, as well as he, might be in.

Thankyou x
injave other reasons why I snooped but that’s a different matter and not important

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixedracequeen13 · 13/04/2023 07:53

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 13/04/2023 07:33

Both bring in the mortgage is not the same as Tenants in Common. You can either be Joint Tenants, in which case your share would be used to pay his debts, or Tenants in Common where your share could not be touched to service his debts. I suspect it's Joint Tenants but it can easily be changed.

Thanks for your message.
joint tenants I think ..
I m going to double check now

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixedracequeen13 · 13/04/2023 07:55

Bananalanacake · 13/04/2023 07:32

Do you know what he's spending it on, gambling, alcohol, day to day stuff, hobby, expensive car.

He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t gamble, tbh I think it’s day to day stuff and he buyin himself things that he doesn’t need. He doesn’t have self discipline at all … he’s always been like this

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 13/04/2023 07:56

I would find a way of bringing up the subject somehow.

Debts can drive people to do tragic things.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 13/04/2023 07:57

Definitely do a credit check on yourself as you are linked to him.

Tell him. Let him go ballistic. You potentially have a lot to lose here, him getting angry is the least of your worries

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/04/2023 07:59

Do a credit check on yourself and tell him that you're doing it. Suggest he does one on himself. It is free. Perhaps then the conversation can start as he really won't want to do that.

CardiffMam · 13/04/2023 08:00

Since your mortgage agreement is coming to an end, you could suggest that you both check your credit score. Some mortgage deals can be reserved 6 months ahead. Use this as an excuse to say that you want to make sure you get a good deal considering interest rates etc.

Soontobe60 · 13/04/2023 08:02

EllandRd · 13/04/2023 07:44

You had no right to snoop

If you suspected your partner of something - eg having an affair, gambling, taking drugs - would you just wait for him to tell you or would you ‘snoop’?

Soontobe60 · 13/04/2023 08:06

I agree with @CardiffMam. Do a credit check using something like Experion now, then ask him to do one too. This will give him an opening to come clean. If he refuses, you know he’s hiding something. At that point, you can ask him why he won’t do one knowing that you’ll need to renew your mortgage soon.
If the worst comes to the worst, you’ll have to tell him that you know. Is there any chance this could cause him to become a danger to you? If so, it may be wise to be in a public place when you speak to him.
Good luck OP x

EmilyMay89 · 13/04/2023 08:14

I would go with the approach of suggesting you do credit checks to make sure everything is alright for remortgaging next year. You could say that would give you some time to improve scores if you did it now ready to remortgage