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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So sad

26 replies

upsydaisy22 · 13/04/2023 06:36

Hi I don't know why I am on here but I don't do well with talking about how I feel in real life so I'm hoping I can get some good advice and good outcome stories please.

I have been with my fiancé 15 years. I left an emotionally and physically abusive relationship a week before and I just wanted someone to escape too . And I was also so scared to be on my own. I knew from the start that things wernt good but I thought things would be ok.

Turns out that he was actually worse than my ex and i apologised for everything I done that annoyed him. Which was even breathing towards the end .

I finally went on medication for anxiety and got a dog . He's 1 now and a beautiful German Shepard. I never knew what love was until he came in to my life .

The last year I have changed . When he kicked off and would abuse me I would just walk away instead of crying begging him that I would change . Also I'm out a lot with the dog and going to beautiful places .

My partner hates the dog with a passion and blames him for me not loving him anymore . He even told me I have to choose.

There is so much more I could write down but we would be here all day . He had a troubled up brining so I always felt like I could help him but I couldn't even help him self .

He done things to me that he knew I was dead against because of my ex but then would make me feel like I made him do it .

He walked out a week ago . Packed his stuff and left . Said that I don't love him anymore .

I was sad but relived and have managed to get through the days working and with my dog .

Now last night he messaged me really sad messages that he has no where to go and how suicidal I have made him feel . I feel like I'm back to square one because I don't want him to be sad because of me and the thought of him having no where to go breaks my heart . I have offered him back home and as soon as I sent it I feel all anxious again like I did when I was with him.

Please tell me that I have made a mistake . Thankyou ❤️

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 13/04/2023 06:38

He has blackmailed and abused you, and youve let him back. Big mistake.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 13/04/2023 06:42

you have made a mistake, do not let this man back into your life.

BCBird · 13/04/2023 06:42

He has treated u badly. U do not owe him.anything. u owe yourself a lot more. Dogs provide unconditional love. I.hope you can find some solution. @

Ooolaaaala · 13/04/2023 06:44

Who’s property is it?

Can you change the locks and tell him relationship is over and he can’t come back?

Or can you leave?

His flouncing off and suicide threats are as emotional blackmail exactly as PP said. Don’t get drawn in. If he threatens suicide again you can call the police to do a welfare check on him.

Have you other support IRL.

You have come so far. Keep taking a step forward

greyhairnomore · 13/04/2023 06:46

If he's not already back , text him and tell him not to come back. Then block him on everything.
You'll be ok.

Sausagerolex · 13/04/2023 06:48

That is blackmail OP

Please stay strong and stay away from him.
He is abusive to you and makes you sad and anxious. He doesn’t love you no matter what he says/ we don’t treat people we love the way he has treated you.

Your gorgeous dog is showing you the emotions that you have been denied so many years of being with abusive men- your dog shows you love and trust and honesty and loyalty.

Please tell him you don’t mean it and you don’t want him to come back.
If he is genuinely homeless he can approach a charity or the council or stay with a friend until he can rent.

Please call womens aid for some support.

Watchkeys · 13/04/2023 06:51

You are responsible for your own happiness. He is responsible for his. If he can't find a way to be happy without you, that's on him. It was up to him to treat you well enough that you'd want him, but he didn't, so you don't. It's on you to maintain a situation to suit that.

Don't allow yourself to be manipulated any further. If he says he's sad, tell him it's up to him to sort that out, because he's an adult who is responsible for himself. If he says he's suicidal, tell him that if he wants help, to go to A&E, because he's an adult who is responsible for himself. If he says he doesn't know what to do, tell him to work it out for himself, because he's an adult who is responsible for himself.

If he tries to be clever and manipulate you in different ways, walk away, because you are an adult who is responsible for yourself.

whatchagonnado · 13/04/2023 06:56

Did you not have a conversation with him beforehand about getting a dog? I'd find it very difficult with a German Shepherd suddenly arriving in the house, but then I'm not a big doggy person and I suspect neither is he. It seems to have been a trigger for a complete breakdown of your relationship

Zanatdy · 13/04/2023 06:59

Don’t let him manipulate you, don’t let him back into your life - absolutely it would be a huge mistake

Mumofnarnia · 13/04/2023 07:02

whatchagonnado · 13/04/2023 06:56

Did you not have a conversation with him beforehand about getting a dog? I'd find it very difficult with a German Shepherd suddenly arriving in the house, but then I'm not a big doggy person and I suspect neither is he. It seems to have been a trigger for a complete breakdown of your relationship

No it wasn’t a trigger, he was bad to her before that! The reason he walked is because she want crying and begging him so his. A sty tactics were no longer effective in abusing her and dragging her down and he got frustrated and bored. She was in an abusive relationship, nothing to do with the dog. You can’t reason with people like that so no point talking to them

cadink · 13/04/2023 07:02

So you're going to make yourself sad and a prisoner in your own home so he isn't? Time to put those big girl pants and tell him it's over. Block him and move on to a happy life you deserve. Don't let him manipulate you or your life will be worse for it. There's a reason you're feeling anxious it's your body telling you he's no good for you, listen to it

Mumofnarnia · 13/04/2023 07:03

Mumofnarnia · 13/04/2023 07:02

No it wasn’t a trigger, he was bad to her before that! The reason he walked is because she want crying and begging him so his. A sty tactics were no longer effective in abusing her and dragging her down and he got frustrated and bored. She was in an abusive relationship, nothing to do with the dog. You can’t reason with people like that so no point talking to them

Show quote history

Damn these typos.

she wasn’t crying and begging him

his nasty tactics were no longer effective

GoodChat · 13/04/2023 07:04

Tell him you've changed your mind. He needs to stay gone. Block his number and change the locks. Look after yourself.

Original poster
upsydaisy22 · 13/04/2023 07:14

Thankyou all so much I really mean it .

As for him wanting me to beg and cry for him to stay this time I believe that's what he wanted because I had a text off him saying he went because I didn't seem bothered . I have just text him that he can't come back . My stomach is turning . The house is rented and in my name . Luckily the house we both went to buy two years ago fell through . Now I know there was a reason for that happening

OP posts:
AuntieDolly · 13/04/2023 07:25

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. He needs to sort himself out

Drusillagobwitch · 13/04/2023 07:27

AuntieDolly · 13/04/2023 07:25

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. He needs to sort himself out

Sound advice.

Carsarelife · 13/04/2023 07:35

I'd say in this situation the dog is more important. The dog deserves love and a home, your ex is abusive towards you and you must stick to your guns. He walked out, why is it your problem if he has nowhere to go

Cyberworrier · 13/04/2023 07:39

I’m so glad you have your dog and that having him allowed you to develop more self-worth and independence. Hold that close and don’t give up your dog and your own safety and well being for this abusive man.
I recommend the book Women Who Love Too Much, as you say this is your second abusive relationship. I found it eye opening reading stories so familiar to my own- making excuses for the man, valuing their feelings/comfort over my own.
You deserve better. I hope you and your dog have a fresh start away from this horrible man.

Holly60 · 13/04/2023 07:42

Well done OP. Stay strong- do you need to change the locks?

CleaningOutMyCloset · 13/04/2023 07:47

The sad texts and suicidal messages are just another form of emotional abuse and manipulation because his usual tactics haven't worked. If he threatens suicide again ring the police for a welfare check - it's all bullshit.

Sounds like you have a lovely life, just you and your dog, I'm sure your feelings of anxiety will reduce the longer you stay away from this man. Stay string OP

SpringleDingle · 13/04/2023 07:52

The blocking is really important to stop him contacting you and emotionally blackmailing you. It’s totally normal to feel anxious and guilty about hurting the other person when you’ve split from a relationship like this. I split with ex in November last year. He was nowhere near as manipulative as your ex but showed a really odd side to him the moment I called it off. It’s April and I’m finally feeling less jittery at the thought he may just show up to yell at me. Give yourself time, lots of time, but keep him blocked!

pilates · 13/04/2023 07:58

Well done you have done the right thing. You will never be happy with him. Sounds like he wants to come back because he has nowhere else to go. Stay strong.

Ooolaaaala · 13/04/2023 08:14

Really important that he is blocked every where. Text him you want zero communication or contact from him. If he contacts you twice having been told this it is considered harassment and you should go to the police who will take this seriously.

Do you need to move his processions from your home? Do you have someone who can help with that?

Do you want to stay in this rental or do you want to move on elsewhere.

Please be extra careful with your personal safety.

Watchkeys · 13/04/2023 08:18

whatchagonnado · 13/04/2023 06:56

Did you not have a conversation with him beforehand about getting a dog? I'd find it very difficult with a German Shepherd suddenly arriving in the house, but then I'm not a big doggy person and I suspect neither is he. It seems to have been a trigger for a complete breakdown of your relationship

OP was already on medication for her mental health when she got the dog.

The dog didn't cause the problems here. Was she really supposed to discuss what she wanted with someone who was already abusing her? Why? Do you think he would have supported her in getting what she wanted?

Bumble84 · 13/04/2023 08:22

Telling you he is suicidal is emotional abuse and a desperate attempt to get you back IMO. An ex did this to me and it made me feel awful but I still walked away. I had to for my own sanity. I made sure a close family member knew what he’d said in case it was true (I knew it wasn’t) could you maybe do this and then I would recommend blocking him.

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